


.jrh

by linearhappiness



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Ryan-centric, Sex, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-13 14:53:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 82,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10515999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linearhappiness/pseuds/linearhappiness
Summary: Geoffrey Ramsey meets someone too hot to forget at work. When the guy is identified, he’s advised to stay away.Instead, he dives into it head first. It will take him both up and down, more so than he thought possible.There are no magical creatures or criminal organizations. The story is very much about the characters and their relationship. Gets fluffy, gets dark. Be prepared.





	1. A Whole New World

Sunrays were travelling through the room, moving down stripy wallpaper, crawling in on sleeping Geoff. They highlighted his dusty TV screen, his fat Mac from It’s Always Sunny poster, the books on his dark-wood shelves and ended up shining right into his face. He squinted at the sun.

Two years ago, his new roommate let him choose the bedroom; he failed to mention that one of those faced east and another one west. Geoff thought buying curtains was an old man thing, so he just taped newspapers to the glass in strategic places, to protect his sleep. He took the newspapers down the day before.

 _Why, past Geoff? What about the weekend?_ He got up and went to the bathroom.

He stuck his head under the faucet for a moment, straightened up and stared at his reflection as water was trickling down his neck, wetting the collar of his t-shirt. Staring back at him from the other side of the mirror was a guy with dark messy hair, prominent ears and droopy eyelids which made him look unimpressed at all times. _Still got it._ Geoff noted, half-kidding.

He dropped by the kitchen, made himself some instant coffee and went to the balcony for a smoke.

_Big day._

***

Half an hour later, his roommate entered the kitchen, drying his red hair with a towel. He went to stand next to Geoff by the stove. “This looks delicious.” He was eyeing the food. “Probably a little too much for one person…”

“Good morning, Jack.” Geoff poured coffee from a cezve, put whipped cream on top and handed it to him.

“Oh, thank you”, Jack sat at the table. “It’s barely eight, why are you up? Adjusting the schedule?” Jack took a sip and a Cheshire cat smile spread across his face. “Not that I’m complaining”.

“Going to the office today.”

“I thought you started on Monday.”

“It’s just to sign the papers and set up my PC.”

Jack nodded. “I have something for you then.”

“Ha! You do? Where is it?”

Jack unlocked a cabinet and pulled a box from the top shelf. Geoff opened it.

“It’s a mug!”

“You’ll need an office mug.”

“And this way I don’t have to break our set?”

“Take it out of the box.”

Geoff complied. The mug was dark green and had Paddy’s pub logo on it. He chuckled. “Thanks!”

***

“Nervous?” Jack put two French toasts on his plate. Geoff put salad on his own and offered some to Jack. Jack declined.

“It’s not like I’m freaking out, but yeah, I’m nervous.”

“Really? You?”

“All I did was read a couple books. Now, apparently, I’m a software engineer.”

“Did you expect an initiation or something?”

“I’m going to be the only 28-year old junior developer there. And I’m pretty sure I’m also going to be the only one who never went to university.”

“I told you, they hire students because senior staff works at uni. Besides, most of those students are mathematicians.”

“Meh.”

“If anything, you should be proud of yourself. I couldn’t really help you with your test task, but you figured it out. And they either offered you more money than usual, or I really fucked up when I switched to 3d modeling.”

Geoff started grinning. Jack poked him with an elbow. “Relax. Your tech support experience will be more useful than a diploma. If Matt thinks you’re qualified, you’re qualified.”

***

Subway was crowded. Geoff enjoyed it, being one of the people who had stuff that needed to be done, wearing pants at 9 am and everything. He’d been between jobs for only two month or so, but it felt like forever.

***

He was walking from the accounts department with his copies of the papers in hand. He met his project leader in the hallway.

“Hey, Geoff.”

“Matt.” They shook hands.

“Your desk is by the window next to mine. I’ll be back soon.”

Geoff walked into the office and to the desk. The room was empty, so he gave the monitor a fond caress. He went to the other side and was startled by a guy climbing out from under the table. The guy looked at Geoff and stood up from his knees. They ended up facing each other.

Geoff was staring like an idiot. His mouth fell open, but he was still smiling. The guy arched an eyebrow and responded with a small smug smile of his own. “Hello”, he said in a deep melodious voice.

Geoff snapped out of it. “Um… sorry, I think this is my desk.”

“I see. Take good care of it.”

“What?”

“This used to be my desk.”

“Where’s your… new one?”

“Nowhere. It’s my last day.” The guy paused for a second and left.

Geoff tried to sit down in the chair, missed it and almost fell, scattering the papers. He was glad no one was around to see that.

***

**Geoff: this is a very frustrating workplace already**

**Jack: something wrong?**

**Geoff: I found a smoldering hot guy under my desk**

**Jack: easily distracted as usual**

**Geoff: shit’s installing**

**Geoff: he said it’s his last day**

**Jack: poor you**

**Geoff: I watched him slowly stand up right in front of me. It was like that moment in moulin rouge**

**Jack: what moment**

**Geoff: when the duke falls for satine. How wonderful life is now you are in the world**

**Jack: very gay, Geoffrey. Very, very gay.**

***

**Geoff: so I have 6 hours to make a move, assuming he’s still here. Which rooms do they rent in this fucking building? Do you know?**

**Jack: what are you going to do, walk around saying ‘hey, I’m the new guy’?**

**Geoff: I hope people will find it charming**

**Jack: are you on his PC?**

**Geoff: yeah**

**Jack: they use a mail system from the 90-s. Each employee is assigned a three-letter pseudonym that’s used as file extension for their messages**

**Geoff: okay?**

**Jack: there’s a configuration file somewhere on the server. With a list of pseudonyms, real names, emails and phone numbers**

**Geoff: I’m listening**

**Jack: those three letters are also used as windows user names**

**Geoff: I know, I’m logged in as GER and there’s nothing else**

**Jack: check users folder for backups, ger**

***

**Geoff: JRH                         James Ryan Haywood**

**Geoff: a useless company email**

**Geoff: and a phone number))**

**Geoff: hope that’s him**

**Jack: james haywood, are you shitting me?**

**Geoff: no why?**

**Jack: I know him from uni**

**Geoff: you do? This keeps getting better**

**Jack: he got my fucking job. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised**

**Geoff: oh**

**Geoff: sorry**

**Jack: yeah**

**Jack: anyway**

**Jack: more cute than hot**

**Geoff: either he aged well or your taste is off**

**Jack: he’s like 26. You’re the only one aging well here :)**

**Geoff: dirty blond, blue eyes? A bit taller than me?**

**Jack: yes**

**Geoff: why would you remember his eye color, buddy?**

**Jack: bite me**

*******

**Jack: he didn’t even do the internship**

**Geoff: ?**

**Jack: he gets stuff without trying. Everything is fucking easy for him**

**Geoff: is he someone’s relative?**

**Jack: no, he’s just talented, I guess**

**Jack: top of the class most of the time**

**Geoff: so he’s like your valedictorian?**

**Jack: yeah**

**Geoff: is he a douche?**

**Jack: no**

**Geoff: how well do you know him?**

**Jack: we talked at parties several times**

**Jack: extensively**

**Jack: it was interesting**

**Jack: but he’s pretty much unapproachable when he’s sober**

**Geoff: and when he’s not?**

**Jack: when he’s not he’s very approachable**

**Jack: saw him with a lot of girls**

**Geoff: girls?**

**Jack: saw him make out with a guy at a concert once, too**

**Geoff: hmm**

**Jack: you know what?**

**Jack: he’s smart, but he’s fucked up**

**Geoff: how so?**

**Jack: I can’t even tell.  He’s pretty much a different person every time**

**Geoff: my interest just piqued**

**Jack: of course it did**

*******

**Matt: meetup at 4. Joel and Adam graduated and got us cake :)** **. James is leaving :(** **. And we have Geoff-the-new-developer to welcome!**

Geoff was at the main office, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the actual room, at the back of the small crowd. Some of the stories the graduates told were funny, but he was kind of bored.

He perked up when he saw James enter. James poured himself a drink and joined him in the doorway.

“You took my spot again”, he whispered.

Geoff was coming up with a line when Matt walked in.

“There you guys are!” Matt went straight to them. “James. I’m not happy that you’re leaving and you know it.” He put a hand on James’s shoulder.

“I’ll still participate in some projects”, James smiled briefly and moved away.

“Yeah”, Matt turned to the others. A girl walked up to James and handed him a box of candy. James thanked her.

“So this is Geoff, everyone”, Matt waved his head.

“Hello!”

“Hey!”

“Hi, Geoff!”

“We have something for him too, I believe?”

There was a pause.

“No?” The girl smiled apologetically. Some people laughed.

“Oh, right, sorry.” Matt grimaced.

“I can share”, James said in a low voice.

***

James only stayed for ten minutes. Then he started saying goodbyes. Geoff watched him awkwardly get out of a couple handshakes and left the office to wait in the hall.

James walked out of the door, noticed Geoff and grinned.

***

When they were outside, Geoff pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, wondering if that would be a turn-off. James asked for one, relieving him of his discomfort.

“So what’s it like, working here?”

“It’s interesting. And demanding, during the first year.”

“And then?”

“Then you mostly add features to the same familiar software. So it gets increasingly less interesting. But you could become a team leader, that’s a challenge.”

“Did you? Become a team leader?”

“No.”

“How long have you worked here?”

“Three years.”

“Matt seemed fond of you. Why not then?”

“I had a three year contract. The head of the development department first asked me if I was going to stay nine month ago and we had a conversation about my prospects. He used a football metaphor to describe the way they saw me. He said guys like Matt were the ones doing passes and I was a forward.”

“Sounds fucking flattering.”

“Maybe. But I didn’t get a team. For the time remaining, I was working on my own. Guess I lack people skills.”

“Really? I find you easy to talk to.”

“That’s because I find you easy to talk to.”

“Why?” Geoff smiled.

“You seemed so happy to see me.” James got embarrassed with what he said.

_Blushing, really? He needs to decide who he is. He looked like he was about to eat me before._

James quickly recovered. “Would you like to grab a beer?”

“Yeah!”

“You do realize that I’m hitting on you, correct?”

Geoff choked over the smoke.

James chuckled. “Relax, dude, I’m just kidding.”

Geoff waved a hand. “No”, he coughed. “I hoped you were hitting on me.”

James beamed. “Then I’ll be waiting for you to get your things right here.”

***

“So, James.”

“Actually, I prefer Ryan. It’s my middle name.”

“Hm. Okay, sounds even nicer. I don’t think people would agree to call me by my middle name.”

“Why, what is it?”

“Lazer”, Geoff chuckled. “With a ‘z’.”

“Seriously?”

“Geoff Lazer Ramsey, nice to meet you”, Geoff extended a hand.

Ryan shook it, slowly and thoughtfully.

“So, Ryan. Where’re we going?”

“I have a place in mind.” Ryan named it.

“Nice. Subway?”

“Let’s walk.”

“It’ll take us like an hour!”

“So? The weather is nice. And you’ll have a chance to change your mind.”

“Yeah, right.”

***

It was the very beginning of summer. Vacation season hadn’t started yet and the streets were busy. Ryan’s black long-sleeve and slacks were standing out in the sea of shorts and sundresses.

Geoff was still very much excited about the job. He asked Ryan to tell him about the project he was joining. Ryan made sure Geoff had already signed the confidentiality agreement. And then gave a twenty-minute speech that left Geoff with a much clearer view on what he was going to do than his interviews with Matt had. Ryan’s way of explaining showed a deep understanding that made things sound logical and simple. He even stopped being such a smart ass and used very informal wording, which sounded pretty funny, given what he was talking about.

Geoff was really fucking impressed.

“Is having Matt in charge of me a good thing?”

“Yes, absolutely, he’s great. He was the first person to comment on my code in-depth. He’s a better manager than he is a developer, but you probably won’t notice that for a while.”

“Hey!”

“Sorry.” Ryan smiled. “I did your task review, I know you’re new.”

“I thought Matt did it?”

“Well, Matt read it.”

“That review was brutal! I didn’t expect to be hired after that!”

“Was it?” Ryan looked sincerely surprised. “I didn’t mean it to be. You are quite creative. You’ve come up with some unconventional ways to get things done.”

“You owe me a sleepless night”, Geoff winked at Ryan. _Someone can be arrogant. Or just sound arrogant?_

***

The café offered secluded booths and Italian cuisine. Geoff ordered a full meal, but Ryan settled for just a beer.

“Are you vegan? You chose the place, so that’s on you.”

“I’m not, why?”

“You have the haircut for it.”

Ryan brought some of his longish locks behind the ears.

“Too nervous to eat then?” Geoff teased.

“Honestly? Yes.”

“No way”, Geoff’s eyes widened. “You’re such a smooth motherfucker!”

“Oh, am I?” Ryan put on his little smug smile again.

“How old are you, 26?”

“25.”

“I’m 28, and I’ve been picking up moves from you all day.”

“What are my moves?”

“The ‘just kidding’ thing, for one, well executed. And I realized it was a good idea to walk here. If we took the subway, we would’ve had to stop talking again and again. It would’ve been awkward up to… basically, this point, when we’ve already ordered.”

Ryan frowned to himself. “Exactly.”

“So, are you going to eat now?”

“Maybe later.”

***

Geoff mentioned his old job and pulled a couple funny tech-support stories from his sleeve. Ryan relaxed and started to contribute more and more with witty remarks. They made each other laugh.

Ryan threw in some literary references and Geoff almost squealed at that, excited. Most people he met didn’t read nearly as much as he did. Ryan was into some weird dark sci-fi and he was unfamiliar with some of the classics Geoff brought up, but that turned out to be a topic they dwelled in for hours anyway.

***

Things were going great. Eventually, Ryan had some pasta. His leg was touching Geoff’s under the table. Geoff started his seventh beer and decided to sort out their plans for the rest of the night. He let his voice get a little seductive.

“Would you like to come over? My roommate, Jack, actually knows you from uni. He would be glad to see you.” Geoff definitely wasn’t going to have sex with him for the first time while drunk, but there were other fun things they could do.

Ryan froze. “Excuse me”, he went to the bathroom.

Geoff wasn’t very perceptive at that point. He leaned on the back of the seat and closed his eyes.

 _This is the best date I’ve ever had! God damn. He doesn’t have to be so amusing with looks like that…_ Geoff laughed, remembering. _Did I do all right? Are you coming home with me, James Ryan?_

He heard a noise next to him.

The waiter put four shots and the check on the table.

“Sorry, I didn’t order this.”

“The other gentleman did.”

_Not sure what that means…_

Ryan returned and moved one of the shots to Geoff and one to himself. They drank. Then shared the check.

“Off to your place then?”

“If you want to.” _Yes. YES._

“I’ll get a cab.” Ryan downed the second shot.

***

When they got out, Ryan suddenly took Geoff’s hand and led him away from the street into a dark alley between the buildings. Ryan turned on the flashlight app. He looked at the wall, touched it and checked his fingers. Then pressed Geoff into it, planting an open-mouth kiss to his lips.

Geoff was surprised, yet nothing but happy to comply. He didn’t get to do much, Ryan turned out to be… not aggressive, but expertly active. In control. Ryan’s hands were all over him. Then the phone rang.

“We’ll be there in a moment”, Ryan told the driver and leaned in for one more kiss.

***

They sat in the back and Ryan’s hand was on Geoff’s inner thigh, slowly moving. Geoff closed his eyes, enjoying himself immensely. When they stopped, he put his head on Ryan’s shoulder and kissed it. The driver stared at them through the rear-view mirror. Ryan paid him and helped Geoff out of the car.

Geoff tried to sober up a bit as they walked the stairs.

Ryan seemed to be in shape, but was really winded be the time they got to the fifth floor. They stopped by the apartment and Geoff turned to him.

“Are you okay?” He put a hand on his waist and that turned out to be fortunate, because a moment later Ryan fell.

***

Jack opened the door to a bizarre scene of Ryan falling to his knees and Geoff barely catching him before his head hit the wall. Geoff looked at Jack, scared. “I don’t know what happened.”

Jack hunched down to Ryan, fairly freaked out as well.

Ryan came to his senses. “God damn it. If you make a comment, I’ll fucking stab you in the eye, Jack”, he looked up. “Jack. Pattillo.” He started laughing and tried to stand up. Geoff helped and led him inside, utterly confused.

“Sorry, Jack, that wasn’t meant for you.” Ryan pulled his shoes off with his feet. “Can I sit somewhere?”

Geoff took him to the living room. “I’ll go get some water”, Jack said.

Ryan dropped on the couch and lowered his head to the knees.

Geoff sat on the floor in front of him. “Ryan?”

Ryan mumbled something inaudible in response.

“Ryan, do you need help? What do I do?”

He waved a hand and pulled himself together. “No, no… nothing, I’m fine. Sorry. I’ll just stay like this for a minute.”

Geoff waited. Jack came in and handed him a glass of water.

“You fucking fainted, you need to get this checked out.” Geoff said.

“Medically unexplained syncope.”

“How often does this happen?” Geoff asked.

“Not too often.”

It was clear Ryan didn’t want to go into the details, so Geoff dropped it. He put a hand on Ryan’s knee, gently rubbing, and waited with a small frown on his face. Jack left the room.

Several minutes later, Ryan straightened up on the couch. Geoff sat next to him and gave him the glass. “Are you feeling better?”

“Good as new”, Ryan took a sip.

Geoff sighed with relief. “So what happened, besides a medically unexplained syncope? Did you expect to see someone else?”

“I expected another Jack, he’s… an acquaintance of mine. I thought this was his way of inviting me to a threesome.”

Geoff snorted. Ryan looked at him.

“Wait. You are serious, aren’t you?”

Ryan nodded.

“Now that I think about it, you didn’t seem into that threesome at all.”

“I was so into it all of my blood went to my dick.”

***

“I wish you stayed. In the living room, if you want. Or with me. I’ll behave.”

“I have enough trouble falling asleep in my own bed. And you know… we met fourteen hours ago.”

They smiled at each other.

“Can I have your number?” Ryan asked.

“Oh right, fuck. Of course you can.”

Ryan handed Geoff his phone. “Put it in, I’ll go say bye to Jack.”

 ***

Ryan knocked on the door.

“Come in?” Jack turned in his chair.

“I’m about to leave. My apologies for the dramatic entrance.”

Jack noted with annoyance that Ryan did, in fact, look hot. Less boyish, his features sharper. The beard suited him. He wasn’t so sure about the hair. Ryan sort of didn’t look well, pale and precariously thin, dark circles under tired eyes, though there was some peculiar kind of beauty to that… Jack interrupted his thought process. “You okay?”

“Perfectly fine.”

“See you later then.”

Ryan forgot to close the door when he left and Jack rolled his eyes. He closed it himself, sat back down, but didn’t return to his game. Ryan’s reappearance was quite startling.

***

Geoff barged into Jack’s room, playing a tune from Aladdin, the one with the first kiss, on the phone. He went to Jack’s bed and fell on it backwards with a sigh.

It was touching, but Jack just groaned.

“That’s it? I pissed sitting down to find the soundtrack!”

“Your romantic references are sickening. I like the idea of my bed being the magic carpet, though. Take you wonder by wonder.”

Geoff burst out laughing. When he was done, he sighed again. “Damn, he’s a pleasure for the senses. Have you heard his voice?”

Jack grabbed the phone and turned the music off. “So what the hell was that?”

Geoff explained.

“He’s definitely fucked up.”

“Maybe, but I don’t care. No… I care, but I don’t mind.” _Whoa._

“Didn’t expect a fellow notorious one-night-stander to be what it takes for you to get serious.”

_Shit… He didn’t stay the night, is this different for him? Certainly feels different for me… the very fact that it feels like anything…_

“Geoff?”

“Hey, I was never opposed to the idea. Just didn’t like anyone enough in a while.” _In a while while._

“Does he like you?”

“I hope so. I think that’s why he got upset when I first mentioned you and he thought of his ‘acquaintance’ fuck buddy. He thought he met someone and it turned out that he kind of didn’t. Do you know this other Jack guy?”

“Mm-mm.”

“I’ve had friends like that, and that’s what they were. Friends. Not close ones, but we got along well enough. These two seem to hate one another.”

“Maybe they hate-fuck.”

Geoff pressed his lips together. “Seriously, though… he’s so odd, he was all over the place tonight, confident, shy, then confident again. Something’s wrong… and the syncope thing… and I don’t like the idea of him agreeing to something he doesn’t really want to do… Might have to fucking take things slow.”

“Geoff.”

“What?”

“You care too much. You just met the guy. James is… not reliable. At all.”

“Noted. Also, he prefers Ryan, his middle name.”

Jack rolled his eyes again.

***

Ryan ordered a cab from his usual service that time.

He had a ‘don’t shit where you eat’ rule. Some places he didn’t go when he was really drunk or with someone who was likely to behave inadequately. Some places he only went when he was really drunk. He also had his own ranking system for cab and delivery services.

He recalled the driver’s expression when Geoff kissed him and added a second minus to the name of that service in his contacts.

He wasn’t that careful before. The whole area around his previous apartment was tainted in his mind. He never invited people home after he moved.

_You are an asshole for both having this system and using it on Geoff._

_I didn’t use it on Geoff. I used it with Geoff. And we went to a nice café, so shut up._

Random memories of that day came up in his mind as he enjoyed a quiet ride home. For twenty minutes, all was well with the world.

In his apartment, when he climbed under the covers, he tried to re-enter that state.

_Congratulations on being unemployed._

To no avail. Ryan turned to his side.

_You’re making another mistake. Those plans of yours are just… unrealistic. You need to take a clear look at your situation. You stopped talking to your friends and moved. To start anew. As a result, you went from being unable to chit-chat to freaking out when people stand too close to you in eighteen months._

_Still, I’m feeling better._

_You’ve crawled into a small safe hole. And you are making it even smaller. Six month from now, after your ‘break’, you won’t be able to come to an interview._

_Then I’ll do it remotely. I’m fine with being alone._

_Do you have to be?_

_…Do you like Geoff?_

_His tattoos are beautiful. I wish I could take a closer look._

_Yes._

_What if you got tattoos to cover your scars?_

_How is that better than just removing them? Someone will stare for hours anyway._

_What if you did it yourself?_

_Huh. Shouldn’t be too complicated, I guess._

_You draw and then you pierce._

_I wonder how much it hurts._

_Do you wish it hurt a little or a lot?_

_Fuck off… It would take a long time. And it’s insane, isn’t it?_

_It’s pretty out there._

_If I covered my thigh it would look like I have an elaborate dick tattoo. Geoff could pull it off, I don’t think I can._

_Maybe he’s pulling it off right now._

Ryan scoffed. Then scoffed again and let out a chuckle.

_Maybe he is._

_Do you want to find out for sure?_

_I don’t even know if I can fuck anymore. Even if I keep my clothes on._

_Do you want that,_ an image appeared on the back of his eyelids, _to be your last time?_

_God, no. I don’t want to have a last time. Not yet._

_So once again, desire to have sex is what makes you move. Nathan in Ex Machina was exactly right. What imperative does a gray box have to interact with another gray box?_

Ryan winced.

_What’s your plan? Clothes on, lights off?_

_It worked before._

_It barely worked before. It won’t work with the same person._

_I could just… show him, at some point._

_Jack will have a great reunion story. ‘Remember James? My roommate actually went out with him. Turns out he really is crazy.’_

_Jack is a good guy. Who would do that?_

_Someone drunk and in love with Geoff?_

_What?_

_In love with Geoff._

_You think he is?_

_Might be. He got real tense when he was watching you two. You might be interrupting. Are you a good guy?_

_All I said was that I would like to sleep with someone again sometime. Of course the person I kissed today came to mind._

_Do you like him?_

_Yes! I do! I don’t know what to do with that. I’m really tired. Will you please, please leave me alone…_

***

Geoff wasn’t in any hurry to get up the next day. He picked his laptop from the floor and put it on his stomach, surfing away, taking sips from the water bottle habitually placed by the bed.

When he went to the bathroom, Jack called his name.

“You wanna play some Halo?”

“Nah.”

On the way back, he stopped by Jack’s room.

“Maybe if Ryan wants to join?”

“You’re so full of it. Fine, ask him.”

Geoff got back in bed and took his phone.

**Geoff: How about some Halo with me and Jack?**

He put the phone on the blanket. He kept glancing at it, so he turned it screen down. Eventually, it beeped.

**Ryan: I won’t be at the top of my game.**

**Geoff: I’m hung over too, it’s okay :) Not that I was any good to begin with.**

**Ryan: I just installed Until Dawn. You said you didn’t have a PS4. Maybe you guys would like to check it out?**

The Until Dawn trailer looked cool, but Geoff was hardly a fan of horrors. Still, he wasn’t going to decline an invitation to Ryan’s. He went to talk to Jack.

“Ryan offers us to come over and check out Until Dawn with him.”

“Am I your designated cock-blocker now?”

“What do you think my plan is, not to stay alone with him from now on? I can control myself. He invited both of us.”

“You don’t want me to say I’m suddenly busy?”

“No, I actually want you to come with.”

“Are you really going to play?” Jack grinned.

“I mean I’ll watch? And I think I’ll fry some steaks.”

“Sold.”

***

Ryan opened the door for Geoff and Jack. They came in, carrying bags. “Hey”, Jack nodded at him.

“Hello, Jack. The kitchen is right there.”

Jack took Geoff’s bag too and went inside to give them some privacy.

Ryan was uncertain as to how to greet Geoff, but Geoff came closer and pressed their lips together without hesitation.

“Glad to see you.” Geoff smirked.

Ryan squeezed his hand and led him to the kitchen.

Geoff turned his head, looking around. The building was new and quite fancy, but the first two stories had cheaper studio apartments. Ryan’s place was on the first floor. It was nice, even though it was basically just one room. A very clean, minimalist room that lacked personal touch whatsoever.

Jack glanced at Ryan. His eyes were blood-shot and he was wearing a thick sweater way too big for him. Jack himself felt warm enough in a t-shirt.

“You don’t look so good, are you falling ill?” Geoff asked.

“Had a long night.”

Geoff took the beer out of the bag and put his hand on the fridge. “Can I?”

“Sure”, Ryan said.

The fridge was remarkably empty. There was nothing in it besides diet coke, milk and a can of mustard. Geoff put the beer in.

“Where are your pots and pans?”

“I only have a crockpot.” Ryan pointed at it.

“Fucking bachelor”, Geoff commented.

***

Jack and Ryan settled on the couch. Geoff said he didn’t need any help with the food.

“Ryan!” Geoff yelled in a high-pitched voice.

“It’s a small place, Geoff, you don’t have to shout”, Ryan said evenly.

Jack chuckled.

“Why is it dark as dicks in here?”

“Oh. Alexa, kitchen lights to one hundred percent.”

The kitchen brightened.

Geoff went closer to them, holding a raw stake. “What the hell was that?”

“Um.” Ryan picked up a black cylinder from the shelf by his TV. “It’s Amazon Echo. An array of microphones and a cloud service that parses the command. Alexa is the code word. It controls my lights and some of the devices.”

“Okay.” Geoff’s eyes widened, but he went back to cooking.

Jack took another look at Ryan’s place. Ryan had a PS3, PS4, Xbox 360 and Xbox One neatly arranged under his huge TV screen. Two 26’ monitors were sitting on his desk, next to a Razer laptop. _How much does he earn?_  Jack shook his head and tried not to think about the job opportunity Ryan beat him to. He concentrated on the game.

***

When Geoff brought them food, Ryan abandoned both the game and the conversation.

“Did you miss lunch?” Geoff asked.

Ryan was too busy to answer.

***

Not only did Geoff jump on each scare, he also let various sounds out. Jack and Ryan kept laughing.

“Are you really afraid?” Ryan whispered in his ear.

“I’m fine as long as you don’t make snake jokes.” Geoff restricted himself from leaning into the touch.

“What?”

“Hate snakes.”

Ryan chuckled and stroked Geoff’s head soothingly.

***

They got lazy and decided to switch to a movie. Ryan offered Kung Fury, which he funded, as it turned out, and went to microwave some popcorn. He put the bowl on the coffee table afterwards, sat down and leaned on a fist with his chin, holding his heavy head up.

Kung Fury was over too soon. Ryan browsed through his media library, looking for something else to watch.

“Rocky Horror, that’s certainly something.”

“What is it?” Jack asked.

“You never saw it?”

Jack shook his head.

Ryan turned to Geoff. “And you?”

“Never even heard of it.”

“Damn it, Janet!” Ryan pressed play.

“What?”

“You’ll figure it out”, Ryan said.

When Jack asked, Ryan explained some super dated sci-fi references in the movie. Geoff noticed him mouthing the lyrics a couple times and grinned to himself. He didn’t expect Ryan to be into something like that and was glad to find out he had a cute dorky side.

Ryan’s initial excitement wore off and he was almost lulled to sleep by the small chuckles of the guys and the warmth of Geoff next to him. Then Geoff got up, brought them more beer and started picking up the dishes. Ryan made a groggy move to help him, but Geoff waved him off.

He got back after cleaning the kitchen to find Jack with dozed off Ryan leaning on him.

“Watcha doing?”

“Nothing. He decided to take a nap, I guess.”

Geoff smiled and sat down.

“This is fucking ridiculous. The guy can’t eat or sleep by himself.”

“Are you really annoyed with him right now?”

Jack looked at Ryan, who was quietly wheezing on his shoulder. He sighed. “I don’t think that I am.”

“Good. He slept on you, you’re his friend now.”

_I thought I was his friend before, but, obviously, I wasn’t._

“Do we wake him up?”

“No. Let’s finish the movie, at least.”

***

Geoff cupped Ryan’s face with his hand.

“Huh?” Ryan turned to Jack and flinched, moving away from him. “Sorry…”

“Movie’s over”, Geoff said.

“Did you enjoy it?” Ryan asked, rubbing his eyes.

“The real question is… did you drool?” Geoff grinned.

“Fuck, did I?”

“I don’t think so.” Jack glanced at his shirt. “Well, maybe a little. I liked the movie, though.”

“I’m so sorry! Can I offer you a change of clothes?”

“It’s okay.”

“Sorry.” Ryan repeated.

“It’s late. We should go.” Geoff smiled at Ryan.

“Stay the night if you wish.” Ryan surprised himself with that, just as he did with the idea to invite them over. He knew Jack for a long time and he was unusually comfortable around Geoff.

“Like where?” Geoff asked.

“The couch turns into a huge bed. Or is that too weird?”

Geoff looked at Jack. Jack thought it was extremely weird, but he was tipsy and sleepy. Also, he could see Geoff wanted to stay and he didn’t know if that would still happen if he left. “No, it’ll do”, his answer was.

Ryan got up and pushed the coffee table to the TV. He gestured the guys to stand up and spread out the couch. He took bedclothes and started fixing the sheet on his hands and knees. Geoff followed Ryan with his stare and then looked away. Jack noticed that and withheld a snort.

“I can put a couch cushion into the third pillow case, but I just realized I only have two blankets. Is that a game changer?”

“Nope”, Geoff quickly responded.

Jack took a blanket-cover from Ryan and started stuffing it. Ryan had two identical sets of dark blue bed linen. The fabric felt so nice that Jack couldn’t wait to wrap himself in it.

Ryan climbed in the middle, fully dressed. Geoff settled to the right of him and Jack to the left. There was plenty of room. Ryan put an arm on Geoff’s chest under the blanket they shared, maintaining the distance otherwise, and went out like a light.

***

At 7 am, the place filled with noises. A robot hoover started cruising around the apartment, a coffeemaker in the kitchen turned on and there suddenly was a voice.

“…getting away from the storm is pretty important, but I’ve decided against it. I’m far enough ahead of the storm that I can afford one day of no movement…”

Geoff sat in the bed. “The fuck?” He turned and saw Jack sitting up too. Ryan stayed still. Geoff brushed his shoulder.

Ryan opened his eyes and smiled. “Morning.”

Geoff forgot what he was going to say.

Ryan turned to Jack. “Morning.”

“Yeah”, Jack gave a small smile in response. “So, what the hell is going on?”

“…finally, I am finally past the god damn storm…”

“Alexa, pause.” The voice disappeared. “Sorry, I forgot about that.”

Jack chuckled and shook his head. “It’s like waking up in a mad scientist’s apartment.”

“Was that the Martian?” Geoff asked.

“Yes. Have you read it?”

“I have. It’s a good one.”

“It certainly conveys a good message. That’s why I keep returning to it. Sometimes I think it would be more interesting with the opposite ending.”

“What? Why?”

Jack interrupted them. “Um, guys. Can we talk about book stuff later? I can’t remember the last time I woke up at 7 on a Sunday.”

“He hasn’t read it.” Geoff added.

“I figured.” Ryan grinned.

***

Ryan was as polite as can be and didn’t rush them to leave at all. They got back to Until Dawn, taking turns to shower. Geoff and Jack received fresh towels from Ryan. Then each of them had a bowl of muesli for breakfast; well, Ryan had a cup, since there were only two bowls. Geoff noticed Ryan take a few pills with his food and briefly wondered what they were.

Eventually, Geoff ordered a cab. Jack went to wait outside.

“This was great.” Geoff said.

“I think so too.” Ryan moved closer to kiss him, for real that time.

Geoff’s heart skipped a beat.

“I very much look forward to seeing you again.”

“Yeah.” Geoff squeezed Ryan’s hand and left.

***

Geoff turned to Jack in the car. “Do you still think he’s a dick?”

“I didn’t think so from the start.”

“Cut the shit, I could tell.”

Jack scoffed. “Fine. He’s smart, he’s hot, he’s funny and he’s loaded, apparently. He’s a catch.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

“I don’t know... Maybe I was wrong.”


	2. Crime scene

All week, Geoff worked a couple extra hours. He had breakfast earlier than Jack did and dinner later. He wasn’t in the mood to play games or have bevs, so he and Jack barely interacted.

On Friday evening, he went out with another friend and got himself blackout drunk. Jack woke up when his phone beeped.

**Gus: Are you up? The asshole can’t find his keys**

Jack glanced at the time. It was 4 am.

**Jack: Well, I’m up now. Use the intercom, I’ll open**

Jack pressed the button when he heard the buzz, unlocked the door and crawled back in bed. His phone beeped again.

**Gus: Elevator not working. Need help**

He frowned, put clothes on, grabbed the keys and went to the first floor.

Gus was slowly moving himself and Geoff, who was clinging to him, up the stairs.

“Hi. Delivery.” Gus said when he saw Jack.

“Hi.” Jack went to stand at the other side of Geoff, put Geoff’s arm over his shoulders and grabbed his waist. That significantly sped up the process.

“He kept stuffing his face with whiskey like there was no tomorrow”, Gus sounded drunk too, but Geoff was on a whole other level.

“Do you know why?”

“I’m still here”, Geoff chimed in suddenly.

“Oh, are you? Hello. Concentrate on moving your legs.” Jack responded.

“What he said. No, I don’t know why. I questioned him and got nothing. Why, Geoffrey?”

“’Cause people suck.”

“At the office?” Gus asked.

Geoff didn’t answer.

They got in and put Geoff in his bed.

“We should give him some absorbent”, Jack went to the kitchen.

Gus patted Geoff’s cheek. “Hey, bud. Take your pants off yourself if you want to, I’m not gonna do that.”

Geoff wiggled out of his pants and dropped them on the floor. “You’re a good friend, Gus...”

Jack came in with the pills, a glass of water and a box of orange juice. He handed the pills to Geoff and put the rest on the floor. “You can crash on the couch if you want”, he told Gus.

“Nah, thanks”, Gus bumped Geoff’s fist. Jack made a move to see him off. “Stay, I’ll lock.” Gus left.

Jack sat at the foot of the bed. “Geoff?”

“Mmm… sorry we woke you up...”

“It’s okay. Geoff, how are things with Ryan?”

Geoff leaned down and tried to grab his pants.

“What are you doing?”

Geoff succeeded and lifted them up. His phone fell out. He took it, opened his and Ryan’s text history, handed Jack the phone and dropped back on the pillow.

**Geoff: When will I see you again? :)**

**Geoff: I’m available after 6**

**Geoff: If you want to meet on Friday, you should book me in advance ;)**

**Geoff: Ryan?**

**Geoff: Wanna see Deadpool with me tomorrow evening?**

**Geoff: Ryan, are you there? Are you all right?**

**Geoff: Goddammit, what changed?**

**Geoff: If you don’t want to see me, just say so**

**Geoff: Say fucking anything**

**Geoff: Last attempt. Are you there? A + or - will suffice**

**Geoff: Guess I should stop embarrassing myself.**

Jack read the texts, silently getting more and more pissed.

“I called, too… To top it off, I’m working on his module… Spend my days looking at his neat code.”

 _Fucking jerk. I can’t believe I almost forgave him again._ Jack locked the phone and gave it back to Geoff. “I tried to warn you… How are you feeling?”

“Like a shit ate another shit and then shat it into my heart.”

Jack sighed.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

“No. That’s James for ya.”

“Do you think he has other stuff going on?”

“Probably.”

Geoff paused and then shook his head. “Fuck that... Fuck that.”

“Yeah.”

“He just seemed so sweet… I don’t get it… How I’m so upset I don’t get either…”

Jack felt sorry for Geoff and a little for himself, too. “Do you want to sleep?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Do you need a puke bucket or something?”

“Mm-mm.”

“Fine. Good night, Geoffy.”

***

The rest of Geoff’s weekend was uneventful. He cooked a nice meal for Jack on Sunday as an apology, but otherwise kept to himself, despite Jack’s attempts to cheer him up.

He was legitimately depressed. He had little reason to be and that made it worse. Days dragged. Waking up in time became problematic and he was late a lot. “Jesus Christ, James was always late and now you?” Matt said. Geoff didn’t have a good excuse for his slip-ups.

In the middle of his second week of work he got stuck. He tried to find the solution himself, unwilling to inform Matt. On Thursday, he was asked to report on his progress and had to explain. Matt did exactly what he dreaded – told him to consult with James and sent him the phone number he dialed so many times.

Geoff went outside. He lit a cigarette and stared at the cars passing by, thinking. _Do I want him to answer?_ He called Ryan and, to his surprise, he picked up the phone.

“Hello.”

“Hi.”

“Matt messaged me. He said you can’t figure out how to get the default view of an element.”

Geoff frowned. “That’s not the only thing I can’t figure out.”

That went right over Ryan’s head. “What exactly do you need to do?”

“Generate a dynamic legend.”

“Task ID?”

“IP38.”

“I’ll send you the code.” Ryan hung up.

Geoff wanted to smash his phone on the wall.

***

Friday morning, there was still no response from Ryan.

**Geoff: waiting on you**

**Geoff: I need to submit the task to testing today and I’m done with everything but that**

At the end of the day, he submitted what he had and went home.

He opened the door to see Jack and Gus coming in from the living room with overly chipper faces. Gus looked like that wide smile was hurting his face.

“’Sup?”

“Happy Birthday!”

Geoff usually didn’t celebrate anyway, but that time he actually forgot.

_So that’s why mom called… Fuck, I’m 29 now… At least there’s booze._

***

Next Wednesday, Matt took his headphones off as soon as Geoff came in.

“Hi, I’m gathering results for the update, where are yours?”

“I’m still fixing the views. Hi.”

“Didn’t James help you?”

“Not really.”

“Did you call him again?”

“No. I fixed bars, signs and labels, but all styled polylines look the same still.”

“How much time do you need?”

“I can’t say for sure, there’re like 10 classes supporting the styles and the hatches are drawn on a timer tick… I’ll be done by Monday, though.”

“Monday?? We’re sending the update on Friday and it needs to be tested for integration problems at first. Why didn’t you call James again?”

“Maybe you could help me?”

“Geoff, I’m demonstrating results today at 3 and there’s a ton of other problems. I know you’ve just started, but you did a great job with your test task and this one’s similar, so I gave it to you, though it’s urgent. Why didn’t you tell me sooner this was still an issue?”

“I didn’t realize there was a hard deadline.”

“What do you mean a hard deadline? Every deadline is a hard deadline, and yours was yesterday. We need to close the contract stage and there will be a customer meeting and everything needs to be uploaded to their server way before that…” Matt started the speech Geoff heard him do before, though it wasn’t directed at him then.

Geoff liked the man, but not the speech. It was about how everything should work like a clock, yet offered no practical solution. He didn’t get angry, he realized Matt was stressed and spread too thin among the projects he was managing.

“...supposed to be.” Matt concluded.

“Let’s include my current results in integration testing. I’ll call James and try to fix it. If I don’t succeed by tomorrow evening, we can turn off the legend.”

Matt sighed. “Fine. I’ll message him.”

Geoff decided to check his latest idea first. In an hour, Ryan suddenly sent him a link to a commit. Geoff pulled Ryan’s code from the version control system. When he looked at it, he frowned immediately. The code had misprints. Also, it looked exactly like his first attempt to solve the problem. _Maybe there’s some little fucking difference I don’t see?_ He corrected and tested it out of respect. It fixed nothing.

 _That’s what I get after a week of waiting?_ He was familiar with Ryan’s work enough to know how thorough he usually was. That did make him angry. He left the office to call Ryan.

Ryan answered on the second attempt and sounded just as distant as he did the time before.

“Hello.”

“What you sent me doesn’t work.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Are you kidding me? It didn’t even compile. I tested, though I don’t fucking know why, it’s obviously complete bullshit.”

No reaction.

“So are you going to send me something actually helpful?”

“I doubt that.”

“Yeah, you don’t really have to consult me, do you?”

Ryan kept silent.

“You know what I think about you now? I think you’re a fucking sociopath. I think you’re fake through and through. I think you’re doing this so we don’t have to work together, or maybe even to get me fired, since you don’t want to see me and that’s a reason enough for you.”

Geoff felt blood pulsating in his temples. He heard Ryan let out some air. “…are you serious?” Ryan said in a broken voice.

“Stop it. Yes, I’m serious.”

“Geoff… I didn’t help you because I… can’t... I tried to… can’t concentrate, everything’s mixed up… I don’t know what’s wrong… never got to this… point…” He sounded out of breath for some reason.

Geoff froze. He hardly believed what he said even when he was saying it, but he was hurt and wanted to get to Ryan. The way Ryan spoke drained his anger and made his heart clench with worry.

“I wasn’t fake. I’m so sorry… missed you.” There was a shaky sigh.

Geoff swallowed. “Ry, what the hell is going on?”

“I’m sorry.” Geoff heard muffled sobs and his eyebrows went up. “Maybe we’ll see each other… later some time. I hope.” He didn’t know what to say. “Please… don’t tell Matt anything. Say I was… unavailable.”

“Okay. Ry…”

Ryan hung up again.

Geoff stayed outside for another ten minutes, thinking. He went back up, deleted Ryan’s commit from the server, so no one else could see it, and got back to work, filled with determination.

***

Four hours later, he turned to Matt and waved hands to get his attention. Matt took off the headphones.

“I fixed it. Guys tested it. Sent you the task result file for approval.”

Matt smiled. “Really?”

“Yeah. Would you take a look at the file? I want to leave early today.”

“Okay, let me see.”

***

Matt waved back at Geoff. “Good job.”

“Can I close it and leave right now?”

Matt was too busy to discuss Geoff’s next assignment, so that was an easy yes.

***

Geoff ordered a cab to Ryan’s place. He called the apartment on the intercom.

**Geoff: Ry, it's me. Please, open. I won’t give you any more shit, I swear**

He called again and turned around, leaning on the wall with his back. He saw a guy slowly walking to the building from the park. The guy was wearing a hood and sunglasses, but he kind of looked like Ryan. Like a homeless version of Ryan. When he got closer, Geoff went to him. He kept his head down as he walked and Geoff still couldn’t see his face.

“Ry?” The guy stopped and looked up. There was a lump of dried blood on the bridge of his nose and a huge fresh bruise on his upper lip. He took his sunglasses off and fixed eyes on Geoff. “Shit”, Geoff let out.

“Are you real?” Ryan pressed a finger to his right eyeball. Everything doubled in his vision, including Geoff.

Geoff couldn’t tell if that was a joke. “What happened?”

“…Hit a bench.”

“Did you see a doctor? Is your nose broken?”

“No and no…”

“How do you know for sure if you didn’t see a doctor?”

Ryan was wobbling a little.

“Are you concussed?”

“No… Geoff, I want to go inside and lie down…”

“Okay. I’m going with you.” Geoff tried to wrap an arm around him, but Ryan stepped away.

“Don’t. There’s a camera.” He put his glasses back on and went to the building door. Geoff walked behind him, ready to catch. When they got to the apartment, Ryan stopped. “It’s messy.”

“I don’t care.”

Ryan opened the door without a key and Geoff shook his head. The city they lived in was not a place where one didn’t have to use locks. Ryan pulled his shoes off, dropped the hoodie and the glasses on the floor and went to lie on the couch.

Everything looked different. All the curtains were down and the place was semi-dark. It stank of weed and cigarettes. Crumpled sheets lay on the floor in front of the couch. Most jarring were the bloody footsteps all over.

He went to Ryan and hunched to look at his nostrils. They seemed even. Ryan was breathing through his mouth, though. “Did you throw up after you fell?”

“No evidence…” Ryan kept his eyes closed.

“What do you mean no evidence?”

“I got drunk… woke up like this… remember going outside… found blood on a bench. No puke.”

Geoff got up and opened a drawer he saw Ryan take bedclothes from last time. He threw a blanket over him. Then carefully raised his head and put it on a pillow.

There were no clean glasses or mugs left in the kitchen. He moved the pile of dirty dishes in the sink and found a glass with a cigarette bud in it. He cleaned it, poured water in and put it next to Ryan.

He went to the bathroom and froze in the doorway. The sink looked like someone microwaved a paintball in it. There was blood all over it and even some on the mirror and on the walls. He found the source of the footsteps – two dried puddles on the floor. It looked like Ryan had been laying there with blood flowing from his nose and mouth.

Geoff closed the door behind himself, went in, avoiding the puddles, brought the toilet lid down and sat on it. He put his face in hands and stayed like that for a while. Then took his phone and called Matt.

“Hi.”

“Hi, I want to take the rest of the week off, is that possible?”

“Well… yeah, if there’re no bugs? Is everything okay?”

“Family trouble.”

“Sorry.”

“I can work two Saturdays instead.”

“That’s not necessary, but… there’s some paperwork that’s supposed to be involved.”

“I can come in tomorrow morning and file a request.”

“Oh, then sure.”

“Thank you, Matt.”

“Nevermind.”

***

Geoff went to talk to Ryan, but he was fast asleep. He busied himself with cleaning while he was trying to come up with some kind of plan. It was hard, since he had very little information.

 _He wasn’t really fine last time I saw him, was he?_ _He seemed okay when we left, but not when we came by._ Geoff recalled Ryan jumping on the food and passing out on Jack’s shoulder. _So it’s not just drinking?_ Geoff took a look at the trash bin. No bottles in. He walked around the place, gathering empty beer cans. _Would not have been enough to fuck me up, even with the weed, but that’s not saying much._

 _So, we have an occasional drinking thing… a sleeping thing…_ He opened the fridge and it was empty again, though there were two bottles of wine and a pack of beer inside that time. _An eating thing? That would be bad, people die from that shit…_

He got back to washing the dishes. _What if he’s fully mentally ill and what I need to do is contact his family?_ The thought made his stomach drop. He remembered going through Ryan’s task results, including recent ones, and it calmed him down a bit. _No, he’s too high functioning for that… I think?_

When he was done, he started opening the cabinets, looking for Ryan’s meds. He found a bag in one of the compartments. Inside, besides the usual stuff, were more than ten different kinds of sleeping pills and sedatives, along with various vitamins and anti-anxiety supplements. That wasn’t great. Ryan obviously had a problem for a while and couldn’t find a fitting solution. _At least there’s no Risperidone._ Geoff put everything back in. He wasn’t trying to hide the fact that he looked through, just didn’t want to leave a mess.

The cleanup was actually short and easy. Geoff gathered the trash, washed some glasses and plates, wiped the tables and the place was cleaner than his own once again. Besides the floor. And the bathroom.

He found a bucket, a cleaning solution and a swab, put rubber gloves on and started washing. When he got to the couch, he picked up the sheets from the floor. A sweater fell out from the pillow case. Geoff looked at it and frowned. _He was wearing it last night..._ The sheets had some stains, but the sweater was done for. He put the sheets in the laundry and the sweater in a bag for Ryan to throw out.

The sink and the mirror weren’t so bad. The bathroom floor involved some actual scrubbing. The floor cloth got covered in sharp pieces of dried blood that looked like red caramel. Geoff watched them go down the drain as he washed the cloth. It was disturbing. He didn’t have a problem with blood, but that got to him.

***

Finally, the place no longer resembled a crime scene. Geoff opened the kitchen window, climbed on the sill and lit a cigarette, feeling a bit relieved. He pushed troubling thoughts away and just looked through menus on his phone, picking what to order for dinner.

He went to Ryan. Waking him up after seeing his pill collection didn’t sit well with him, but it was barely 6 pm. Calling Ryan’s name didn’t work, neither did patting his shoulder or his face. Geoff had to pinch him. Ryan opened his eyes and tried to breathe in through his nostrils. Geoff heard a whistling sound. “Geoff?”

“I’m sorry, but if you don’t wake up now you will in the middle of the night...”

Ryan slowly pushed himself to sit up, taking mouth breaths. “It’s okay… How long have you been here?”

“Just over an hour.” Ryan looked confused. “I came to see you after work, remember?”

“Oh… Yes.”

“What do you want for dinner?”

Ryan turned to Geoff with a pained expression on his face. “I need to talk to you.”

“I need to talk to you, too.”

“Would you please wait… for me to shower? I can’t really breathe… Maybe water will help. You can play… or watch… anything you want.” Ryan had to take breaks as he talked.

“No problem.”

Ryan carefully got up and picked a change of clothes.

“Do you need help?” It was awkward to offer, but he imagined it was way more awkward to ask.

“No, no… thank you.”

“Then sit down in there. Your face can’t take another hit.”

***

When Ryan got back, he dropped on the couch next to Geoff. He was dizzy, but his nose actually cleared up.

“Did you clean?”

“A little.”

“I think I remember the bathroom looking differently. Was that a dream?”

“No.” A part of Geoff thought Ryan needed to realize how dangerous the shit he pulled the night before was.

“Then it wasn’t a little at all. You shouldn’t have. Why would you do that?” Ryan said quietly.

“Why not? I came across a solvable problem. It was nice to help you out.”

Ryan stared at the floor, thoughtful. “You barely know me.”

“Something tells me I might be the one who knows you best right now.” Ryan looked away. “You don’t get why I would want to help you?”

“I guess I do.”

“I’m not sure you understand my motives. Ry, if you don’t want to be with me it’s…” Geoff surprised himself with his sudden inability to finish that sentence. “Well, it’s obviously not really fine. But it’s something I can get used to. It can become fine over time.”

“What are you saying?”

“The instant-understanding-no-distance thing we have is what I don’t want to lose most. It’s what I had with Jack and Gus. From the start, just like with you. I guess I’m too old to care this much about friends, but they are the closest people I have. And you fit in so easily.”

“That’s… painfully heartwarming.”

Geoff raised his arms in a befuddled gesture. “Painfully?”

“What do I have to offer? Can I take care of you in return? Definitely not now, possibly… possibly not ever.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me. You and I have very different problems. What bothers me is boredom… lack of meaning?” Geoff paused. “And loneliness, to be honest. If I could help someone, especially someone I personally care about, it would basically fix me.”

It had been a very long time since either of them had a conversation that open.

“I have questions.”

Ryan tensed. “Shoot.”

“Do you want me to contact someone for you?”

“No.”

“Your family?”

“Don’t do that. Whatever happens, don’t do that.”

Geoff didn’t like that answer in more than one way. “Were you ever diagnosed?”

Ryan hated to hear that. He was telling himself there was nothing to diagnose him with. “No.”

Geoff took his hand. “How bad is it, Ry?”

Ryan felt his diaphragm spasm. A hot wave of embarrassment rushed through him as tears were forming in the corners of his eyes.

“Okay, okay, so it’s not great.” Geoff quickly said. He started rubbing circles into the knuckle of Ryan’s thumb.

_Listen, you’ve been pretty pathetic lately…_

“Will you disappear again?”

_…but if you cry now, I’ll officially manifest myself as a separate fucking person._

“Ry?”

“…What?”

“You didn’t want me to see you like this, I get it. But now I have. And it’s okay.”

_I don’t like him anymore. Why is he here? It’s weird._

“You might think it’s better for me if you stay away. It really isn’t.”

_He thinks you have the capacity to give a shit about him. That’s cute. Instant understanding my ass._

Ryan hit his forehead with the base of his palm.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Nothing… please, give me a moment.” Ryan slumped down on the couch.

_It’s not that difficult. Just tell him to go home. He’ll figure out the rest._

_No._

_Might take a longer conversation if you fuck first._

_I’m not even thinking about that._

_But you are. He’s really into you and he’s way less annoying than usual. Makes for a better experience._

_I want him to stay. Please, I so want him to stay…_

_He’ll be pitying you. Diagnosing you in his mind._

_…you think so?_

_He’s doing it right now._

Ryan opened his eyes and looked around. _Where is he?_

_By the window._

Ryan moved to peek over the living area wall and saw Geoff leaning on the window sill. Geoff held a cigarette in his left hand and his right was clenched into a fist.

Ryan stood up and went there.

_Come on, don’t do that._

He took Geoff’s hand, lacing their fingers together, forcing it to relax. “I’ll check in, at least.”

“Huh?”

“You asked if I’ll disappear.”

“Oh”, Geoff said, starting to smile.

Ryan brought Geoff’s hand up and carefully kissed it, holding his lips on it for a long moment.

_Carry him out of here bridal style. How is that for a romantic gesture?_

Geoff coughed. “So, what do you want for dinner?” His voice cracked as he was saying that.

Ryan felt a smile tug his lips.

***

Geoff switched the shower from hot to cold and back. Oddly enough, he got even less sleep than Ryan did that night. They had another debate after Geoff said he took time off work. Trying to convince Ryan to accept help and let him stay didn’t feel great, especially since he didn’t really know where they stood with each other.

He got dressed, ate some leftovers for breakfast and went to the office. Ryan was still in bed.

As it turned out, Ryan didn’t forget to lock his door the day before. It automatically opened when it picked up a Bluetooth connection from his phone. Geoff installed an app, Ryan granted him access and messaged him the code for the building door.

“You basically just gave me the keys”, Geoff said.

“Sure did.”

Geoff dropped by the office and went to his apartment to get some clothes.

“Geoff?” He heard Jack yell from the kitchen.

“Yeah!”

“What are you doing home in the middle of the day?”

“Long story!”

“Well, I’m half naked, so can you like turn away?”

Geoff smirked and turned to the door. “Done!”

Jack went past Geoff to his room, wearing only a t-shirt, holding a plate with a sandwich on it. He put boxers on and got back. “Did you leave before I woke up? Or did you stay somewhere else last night?”

“Somewhere else.”

“Why aren’t you at work?”

“I closed my task and I’ll return on Monday.”

“They just let you do that?”

“I filed a request.”

“Any particular reason?”

Geoff decided to stop avoiding the subject. “I was at Ryan’s. I’m going to stay there for the rest of the week.”

Jack frowned. “What the fuck, Geoff? After all that?”

“Yes.”

“So what, he finally decided to text you back and you ran straight to him?”

“Certainly didn’t run straight”, Geoff grinned.

“I’m serious!”

“It really is a long story.”

Jack gestured in the direction of the kitchen, offering Geoff to come in and tell him.

***

Geoff didn’t go into the details. He said Ryan sounded bad on the phone and mentioned the broken nose and the fucked up apartment.

Jack put his face in hands, just as Geoff did when he was taking it all in. He had a very different chain of thought. “You need to jump ship immediately.”

“What?”

“Listen… I should’ve told you right away. It was too difficult to explain and it had been a long time. But he obviously hasn’t changed and I’m telling you now, whoever he seems to be, he’s really just a selfish asshole.”

Geoff stared at Jack. “You studied with him for years, you talked to him extensively, and that’s what you have to say?”

“Yes. That’s the conclusion you’ll arrive at as well, some day.”

Geoff frowned. “You know what, buddy? I look at him and I think, how did it go this far? Did no one give a shit before? Where are his fucking friends? And it’s bad enough to know that you were around and could’ve done something. Now you are telling me that’s the way to go. What the hell, Jack?”

“Do you think he’d be doing this well if he actually needed help? It’s all an act. He just wants you to dance around him, regardless of what he does. He can make himself look like a victim in any situation. I don’t know, maybe he actually believes it.”

“You’re so wrong.”

“Am I? Trust me, next time you’re depressed, he won’t be the solution, he’ll be the reason. And I’ll be carrying your drunk ass to the bed.”

“Sorry to have bothered you.”

“Adopting techniques from James? Am I supposed to apologize for what I said now? You did fucking bother me! For weeks!”

“I’m not adopting shit!”

“Geoff, the guy’s fucking toxic. There’s a reason he’s alone. The sooner you get away the better. Maybe he’ll invent an AI and use that as a partner for himself. That would be ideal for everyone.”

Geoff got up and left before they went any further. The words were enraging, the fact that they were coming from Jack was just sad. He was stuffing clean clothes in his bag angrily and paused for a moment. _It’s like we’re getting divorced._ The thought made him lighten up a bit.

He dropped by Jack’s before he left. “You spend your life being nice to jerks. Why you’re suddenly such a cunt to Ryan is beyond me. He’s been nothing but friendly with you.”

***

Jack got little results from that day of work. He was lazy from the start and climbed in his chair in a blanket around noon. After the fight with Geoff, things went downhill. He often caught himself staring at the screen, not doing anything, just considering the situation.

In the evening, he heard the intercom buzz.

“It’s me.” Gus said. Jack pressed the button.

Gus shook his hand when he got in. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Why so serious?”

“Long story”, Jack said with a sad grin.

“Hm.” Gus narrowed eyes at him. “Where’s Geoff?”

“At his… boyfriend’s.”

“Boyfriend’s?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know when he’s coming back or should I call him?”

“He’s coming back Monday.”

“What the fuck? He invited me over yesterday!”

“He probably forgot. There’s a whole thing.”

“What thing?”

***

They were on the living room couch.

“… and he said I was being a cunt.”

“Well…” Gus took a sip of bear pointedly.

“Is that how it came across?”

“Yes. Real mean of you, didn’t even know you could be that much of a…”

“Cunt?”

“Yes.”

Jack fixed his gaze on the floor.

“Listen, Geoff knows what he’s doing. I get his side of it, but I really don’t get yours. What’s your problem with the dude?”

Jack scoffed. “How much time do you have?”

“All night. Explain yourself.”

“It started years and years ago.”

“Like I said. All night.”

***

“Did you know I grew up in a village?”

“Geoff said you were a country-side prodigy.”

“Yeah… that was what teachers told me. My school was so tiny there were only four students in my class. I had one friend my whole life there, and she’s a year younger, so… school wasn’t fun. But I had internet.”

“The course I applied for was pretty unique. Most IT-oriented in all public universities, half programming, half graphics. There were only thirty places. The top five could study for free. James was the third, I was the fifth. For real, not because of the policy.”

“What policy?”

“Twenty percent of students who get free tuition are supposed to be from small towns and villages. I would’ve gotten it anyway, since I was, actually, the only one. I was the twenty percent. I’m still proud I got in legit.”

“As you fucking should be.”

Jack was touched by that notion.

“So, I moved here and it was like moving to another country. You guys should really appreciate what you have... Since the first class meeting, I was keeping an eye on everyone, looking for friends, as pathetic as it sounds. James wasn’t there, he had more important stuff to do, of course. He came in on the second day of classes. I noticed him immediately, I’m not even sure why. I guess he had a way of… conducting himself. And fancy stuff. He kept his distance and stayed quiet, though.”

“I was willing to talk to anyone who wanted to talk to me, to come to every party I was invited to. The guys I hung out with kind of sucked, as I now realize, but compared to my schoolmates they were awesome.”

“James didn’t interact with anyone and smoked by himself. First time he got called was in calculus. He started integrating a function on the board, skipping steps, getting to the solution at a pace that made me feel inadequate. The professor asked him to elaborate on what he did, and he walked around in front of the board, explaining, holding one hand behind his back, like an asshole.”

“Our first exams were calculus, programming, physics and philosophy. He said the exact bounds of number types in programming, remembering what 2 power 32 and 64 was for some reason and even remembering to subtract a one from the positive value. I checked with a calculator. The physics professor said he didn’t have to take the test and offered him 9 out of 10 by default, and he fucking considered it before he agreed. Most annoying was philosophy. I thought humanities would be his weak spot, but I was wrong. My score wasn’t anywhere near his on the final rating list.”

“He became a topic of conversation after the exams. I offered to invite him to a meetup. He actually showed up, late and already drunk, though. He joined us, making sarcastic comments and calling us out on the shit we said from time to time.”

“He ended up talking to me. We got along well. Not fake well. We spent the rest of the night talking. I told him my life story and I thought I finally found someone.”

“I didn’t, though. On Monday I approached him and he didn’t really remember me. He tried to cover the fact, but it was obvious. That meant a lot to me and nothing to him.”

Gus paused. “Well, that sucks. But the guy was drunk. Geoff forgets important conversations we have sometimes.”

“Next time we hung out was about two years later. He had like one beer all night and he was super sweet. We played games and exchanged contacts. Then he disappeared. Didn’t show up at uni for weeks. When he did, he didn’t even say hi to me.”

“He came to parties sometimes. I was done with him. The girls in my class weren’t, though. There were only seven, and he made out with four of them at some point. Including the girl I fell for, but was just friends with, ‘cause that’s how I roll. She told me a little story the day after. She said she’d been casually flirting with James for a while and he flirted too, yet did nothing. So she kissed him, he kissed back and then suddenly took her to the balcony and very convincingly confessed his love. For no reason, she was eager to fuck him anyway and made that clear. She didn’t want anything serious, but that got to her and she started to wonder. And in the morning he was like ‘nevermind’.”

“Did they fuck?”

“No. From what I heard, he turned away and switched off.”

“Would’ve been easier to hate him if they did.”

Jack scoffed. “It’s never easy to hate him.”

“That weekend, a bunch of us went to a concert. I noticed him there, sucking face with a guy. That blew my mind. No one blinked an eye. Well, except for me. I don’t even want to think about the shit storm that would unravel if someone did that where I’m from.”

“Depends on the concert. And if they did that on the street, they’d definitely get some comments.”

“Oh, I know.”

“Do you?” Gus thought Jack was straight.

“Yeah, are you telling me you’ve never hung out with Geoff and one of his ‘friends’?”

“I have. Even got my ass kicked a couple times with them. Not only does he refuse to be careful, he responds to each and every comment.” That made Gus smile. Getting into those conflicts on Geoff’s behalf wasn’t pleasant, but Gus was proud of him.

“I keep telling him there are other reasons for people not to make out in public. He doesn’t listen.”

Gus chuckled. “Question. I thought Geoff’s company held a job contest at your uni? And you did an internship?”

“Yes, you’ve guessed right, James got the job instead of me.”

“Shit, man. You’d be the primary suspect in his murder investigation.”

“They seem to be paying him serious money, too. He has all the consoles. He has a Roomba in a studio apartment. He has voice controlled lights. When I was little, we had a fucking barrel buried in the ground with a wooden box on top for a toilet.”

Gus shook his head. “Sorry.”

“Also, he was always good-looking, but now it’s just fucking ridiculous. The guy could have a different person suck his dick every day. He has a race car for a brain. And I’m supposed to feel sorry for him?”

Gus still trusted Geoff’s judgement. “Maybe you are.” He paused. “Did James know you liked that girl?”

“Probably not.”

“Then what exactly did he do to you?”

“He didn’t give a shit when I really, really did. And I remembered that, but for some fucking reason I went back to being nice to him almost immediately. Like I regressed to the person I used to be and was eager to let everyone use me as a doormat again.”

“Did you tell Geoff that?”

“I’m not going to fucking laud him in front of Geoff.”

“No, the other part.”

“The doormat part? Oddly enough, I don’t want to either.”

“If he took time off work just like that, it’s super serious...” Gus said thoughtfully.

“Oh, it’s serious like you wouldn’t believe.”

“On both sides?”

“Did you not hear what I told you about the guy? I said ‘boyfriend’, but I bet Geoff wouldn’t have. I bet they didn’t even discuss it.”

“You really should tell him.”

Jack took a swig from his glass. “I’d rather just apologize. I’ll apologize and, hopefully, he’ll start fucking talking to me again. The whole James thing will blow over in several painful stages, I’ll be collecting pieces after each one, and I’ll never get to say ‘I told you so’.”

“Nah, man. Don’t you know by now bored Geoff is way worse than sad Geoff? He can take some drama. That he likes someone that much is, actually, fucking groundbreaking.”

***

Geoff went grocery shopping and got back to Ryan’s. Ryan was sitting on the couch, head resting on the back of it, a bag of frozen cauliflower covering his whole face. “Hi”, he muttered from under it.

“A little late to apply cold…” Geoff came closer. “Did it start to hurt more?”

Ryan lifted the bag up. He looked way worse. His eyelids were swollen and filled with blood, so was his upper lip.

“Fucking Christ. Hospital?”

“Still no.”

“Put the veggies back.”

Ryan did so. “Can’t really open my eyes or my mouth”, he mumbled.

“Well… then I’ll make some soup, you’ll fucking suck it in through a straw and we can listen to a podcast or something.”

Ryan paused. “Only the best entertainment for my date.”

Geoff laughed, surprised.

Ryan felt a smile forming and put a hand on his upper lip to hold it in place.

“I wonder what it would be like if you laughed right now.”

“Please, stop.” It was too late. Ryan had to let his mouth drop open and made a bunch of noises that sounded real fucking stupid.

“Oh my God”, Geoff managed to say between giggles.

Ryan kicked his leg.

“Okay, okay, sorry.” Geoff wiped his eyes. “Now that was some top quality entertainment.”

***

Ryan did his best to stay calm, to be in an okay mood. That simultaneously made him feel better and worse, just as Geoff’s presence did. Somehow, they managed to have fun that day. Somehow, he fell asleep without pills, drinks or weed. But he woke up in the middle of the night and realized that his apartment was no longer his small safe hole. He went to the bathroom, closed the lock, sat on the floor in the corner and let himself be pathetic for a little while.

***

“Can I play with your Roomba?”

Ryan chuckled at the way Geoff phrased that. “My hoover is not a Roomba. They don’t have the best movement algorithm.”

“Really?”

“Well, not according to a comparison video I watched, I haven’t analyzed the code.” Ryan got up and went to the docking station, to find it empty. He opened the closet he vaguely remembered stuffing the hoover in after it got stuck on the sheets. “I doubt it’s charged.”

Next to the hoover were a synthesizer box, a guitar case and a violin case. “All that yours?” Geoff asked.

“Yes. I suck with the violin, though. Not great with the rest, but the violin was a project of mine I barely started.”

“Did you study for any of that?”

“I did for the piano. Went to a music school in the evenings from… four to fourteen?”

“Huh. What else do you suck at?”

“Gymnastics, karate, football, in general the things father signed me up for. All that definitely without the air quotes. A bit better at… dancing.”

“I asked my mom to take me to a break dance class when I was twelve. Was into it for like a year.”

“I was in a ballet one. But I didn’t ask to be and I was way younger.”

Geoff grinned, endeared.

“I don’t know which is more embarrassing”, Ryan said.

“Definitely ballet.”

“Eh… I mean, mine was against my will, though. We need an unbiased judge to really resolve this.”

“Did you like the music school?”

“At the time? Not always. I wanted to play fast, but didn’t practice nearly enough to be able to, and I was chasing the culmination, the forte. Wanted everything to sound impressive and emotional, even when that wasn’t the composer’s idea. My teacher hand-picked intense, yet not technically demanding pieces for me, so I did rather well on my recital.”

“I got back into playing when I was at uni and wanted to do it properly. Started really reading the notes and improving my technique, got some results, I think.”

“Why did you stop? Isn’t playing a musical instrument supposed to be really therapeutic?”

“I don’t find it therapeutic. Definitely not the piano. I’d rather pick up the violin again. It’s fun to learn, how to play. But to be good at playing an instrument you need to spend a ridiculous amount of time practicing. I understand how things are supposed to sound now, and to not be able to deliver is… frustrating.”

“Interesting.”

“When you program, typing fast, it’s actually the same kind of high. People get annoyed with me for typing as loud as I do, but it… feels great. Finally getting the solution out of your head, seeing it work in just an hour, I love that.”

“I caught a glimpse of that feeling last week.”

“Only a glimpse?”

“Math stuff came up. I never took calculus.”

“You thought you won’t need it?”

“Of course I did. Even when I started studying software development, I thought I won’t need it.”

“In our project, calculus came in handy for me several times.”

“I know. I wouldn’t have needed your help if I understood what a matrix transform was. Still don’t. Just found where to copy your code from.”

“Oh.”

“Jack tried to tutor me when I got my test task. Started telling me about numbers that have a part that makes a negative square and that quadratic equations are just a particular case of n-dimensional equations or something… He lost me real quick.”

“I could tell you exactly what you might need for the project. In a simpler way, I think.”

“That would be really helpful.” Geoff smiled at Ryan.

“Not right now, though. Can we not do it right now?” Ryan had a panicked expression on his face.

“Jesus, of course we can. We don’t have to do it at all.”

Ryan put a hand over his eyes.

“Come on, Ry…” Geoff settled on the floor and pulled Ryan to sit next to him. “You think you’re still loopy? Still can’t work?”

“I would be fucked if I can’t...” He sighed. “I’ve worked for so many years to get here.”

“You did?” Geoff was sincerely surprised.

“Sure, what did you think?”

“That you were very talented.”

“That’s the impression I go for.”

“Uh huh, impression.”

“I was only an okay student at school. When I got into uni, I was determined, for the first time. Uni was my choice and I was going to do it right.”

“At the end of the first term, we got lists of questions for exams. I still have hand-written notes that answer each one of those. Not only did I rework the materials we were given into that, I asked friends to test me. With the philosophy exam I took extra precautions. The one thing we were allowed to bring was the question list, so I tweaked mine and put some letters in semi-bold. Topics I was supposed to mention started with those letters.”

“This goes on and on. I cared more than anyone else.”

“Even at work?”

“At work I designated half an hour each day to learning – browsing through their code, reading books, doing tutorials. Sure did charge them for that time, but I don’t think that was wrong of me. I also researched the subject, tried my own ideas and phrased the exact question I needed to ask before consulting with anyone. You’ll soon find out how rare that is. People just come to you and start giving you a speech about their problems, it’s often unclear what they want and it’s really inefficient…”

“Ry”, Geoff interrupted him, “they don’t do it to be efficient, they do it to relieve stress.”

“Does it relieve stress for the person listening?”

“Maybe not, but they get to take their turn. You just never took yours.”

“Taking turns to give each other shit is a social convention I refuse to recognize.”

“So do I, when it comes to personal stuff. Otherwise, I don’t really care.”

Ryan looked at him. “You are… unbelievably nice, you know that?”

“Am I?” Geoff swallowed. “Well, I hope I am to you. Not at all to jerks, though.”

“People at the office are different from me, but they are good colleagues, especially Matt. You’ll have a great time.”

“Why did you leave then? If you want a team, ask for one. They’d welcome you back and promote you in a blink of an eye, I can already tell. It’s just… sure you can get another offer and that might be interesting, but also, stressful… Do you need that right now?”

“I didn’t leave… I didn’t leave because of the team thing or because I was bored. I left because I needed a break, a long one. Longer than a vacation.”

“Why?” Geoff asked, after a moment of hesitation.

“At first, I worked from 9 to 6, like everyone else. Then my schedule started shifting. During the last year, apart from brief periods of improvement, I worked from 2 to 10, because the office closed at 10. And I managed to get there by 2 once a week. That never stopped being a topic of conversation, but I couldn’t help it. And… they do this thing at meetings… everyone gathers around you while you’re showing the results on your PC. Hovering over. Standing too close. Raising their voices. That… became a problem. I pretended I got a call and ran out many times, and that’s really disrespectful. People at those meetings earn a lot. The added cost of each minute is fucking unbelievable.”

“I’m sorry, Ry…”

“Basically, I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

Geoff nodded.

“I have enough money saved up for two years… Maybe three, if I cut down my expenses. Sometimes I think that’s not a good thing. Naturally, financial motivation lays near the bottom of my list, but when it was forced to the top, it was a strong one… I thought I could use this time to get better, do some research and then apply for a really cool job. You can see how well that turned out.”

“It’s only been weeks.”

“Yes...”

“What kind of job?”

Ryan shook his head. “You’d think I have delusions of grandeur. I’m not going to tell until I come close to getting it.”

Geoff smiled when he heard that ‘until’, glad to get some proof that Ryan hadn’t given up.

But Ryan caught himself saying that, too. “What am I even talking about... I don’t know if I can do my old job now…”

“Don’t worry about that. People don’t just wake up stupid one day, that’s not how it works.”

Ryan fumbled with his sleeves, not saying anything.

“If you ever will, I’ll just shoot you, like a limp horse.”

Ryan chuckled, amused.

***

Geoff didn’t get a lot of food for them last time, since he didn’t know what Ryan liked. On Saturday, he needed to go to the store again. He asked Ryan to make a list.

“I would rather join you.” Ryan changed from sweat pants to jeans and put shoes on.

“Good thing you’re not a girl.”

“Um…”

“It would’ve looked like I beat you.”

Ryan turned to the mirror and sighed.

***

When they got outside, Geoff tried to take Ryan’s hand.

“Don’t.”

“Why?”

“We will attract attention.”

“So?”

“Not the best moment to make a statement.”

That was very true, but Geoff still felt like he was abandoning his principles. _I worried about him showering like this, now I want him to get into a fight?_

Geoff kept silent for a minute, thinking. “Theoretically, would you? Make a statement?”

“Depends on the situation.” Geoff wasn’t satisfied with that answer and Ryan could see it. “I care more about what is going to happen in the particular case than the theoretical right and wrong.”

“What does that mean?”

“You see those guys in the park?”

“Yeah. They look like high school students.”

“Drinking, too. Great potential for embarrassment. There are eleven of them. If we walked by, holding hands, one of them would call us fags, that’s basically guaranteed. Since we’re having this conversation, I’m assuming, you’d respond.”

“What happens then? Most likely, another one would get up, apologize to us, pull their friend back and that would be it. But we could also engage in a shoving session with a bunch of kids. Someone would be screaming ‘Stop it! Leave them alone!’ and I would hate the existence of my life.”

“If we got to actual punching, best case scenario, we’d feel like crap. Worst case scenario, we’d end up at the police office, talking to their parents. Patrols cruise through the park pretty often, because of groups just like theirs.”

“It’s also unlikely, but possible, that they would present a united front or that one of them is in a boxing section. If I got hit in the face right now, I would actually have to go to the hospital, get an operation to fix my nose septum and enjoy chronic highmoritis for the rest of my life.”

“And what would we achieve by that? Do you think there would be real hatred behind whatever they say? I don’t. When you dissect that kind of thing, usually you find out the reasoning was quite sad.”

Geoff went through the responses he got before. He got ‘What we do is nobody’s business’ or just ‘We’re in public’ and felt disappointed in the person. Most of the time he got ‘Let’s do this’, but he preferred what Ryan said even to that.

***

Geoff expected Ryan to go for the pre-prepared food, as Jack usually did. Instead, he picked vegetables and raw meat.

“Do you know what to do with that?”

“Yes. I’m planning to demonstrate.”

Geoff grinned. “I thought you lived off delivery and frozen stuff.”

“Sure do, but you’ve cooked for me several times already, shouldn’t I return the favor?”

Ryan stopped at the wine.

“I saw some in your fridge.”

“That’s for drinking. This is for cooking”, Ryan put a cheap box of dry white in the basket. “There’s beer at home, too, but maybe you want something else?” He pointed at the liquor aisle.

Geoff was eyeing a bottle of whiskey. Ryan acted like everything was well for days by then. Geoff knew it couldn’t be and stayed alert on some level the whole time. He took a smaller one.

The shop floor was almost empty, but only three cashiers were at work, so there was a little crowd at the checkout. People were talking all around. In front of them, a guy was being loud, telling a story to a girl he was with. Someone at the end asked an employee to finally start working today and open another register. Next to them, two women were holding a place in the line, waiting for someone, worrying if they would be able to get a cart through.

Ryan quickly grabbed headphones from his pocket and shoved them in his ears. Then he remembered he was with Geoff. “Sorry”, he said, making a move to take them out.

“It’s okay, you can keep those in if you want.”

To his surprise, Ryan did. “Thank you”, he mouthed, bringing up the music volume.

***

Geoff started playing an episode of iZombie on Ryan’s laptop, but was more interested in watching him cook. He was ready to have some over-salted fried mess for dinner and appreciate the attempt. Then he saw Ryan chop an onion, first cutting it in half and then slicing in three perpendicular directions. He realized Ryan knew what he was doing.

A mushroom cream soup was boiling in the crockpot as Ryan was working on the sauce for the chicken. Geoff came closer to take a look. Ryan mixed honey and salt with mustard, poured it over the meat and put it in the microwave along with a vegetable mix.

“Interesting.” Geoff’s chin was on Ryan’s shoulder.

Ryan set up the timer and turned them around, pinning Geoff to the kitchen counter. He took the drink out of Geoff’s hand, had a sip and moved it away.

Geoff froze.

Ryan slowly brought their lips together. His face was still fucked up, so he only opened his mouth a little and brushed his tongue along Geoff’s. His hand was moving up Geoff’s spine under his t-shirt, making him shiver. Being around Ryan and not making a move had been difficult. Geoff had no sexual thoughts the first night and morning, but he absolutely did the second and the third.

Ryan steadily advanced the situation.

The rational part of Geoff’s brain started protesting. He had enough experience to be able to tell when his partner was actually hot and bothered from when they were kind of enjoying it, but had other motives. _He thinks we can’t spend a weekend together and not fuck._ It felt too much like a twisted expression of gratitude to continue. “No…”

Ryan instantly removed his hands and stepped away.

Geoff raised his eyebrows. That was what he would’ve done, but other people usually didn’t treat consent seriously. Especially people who didn’t treat their own consent seriously. He pulled Ryan back by a belt loop. “It wasn’t that kind of no… Ry, believe me, I want you to touch my dick all day. I just want you to get better first.”

Ryan nodded after a pause. “Sorry to leave you hanging”, he whispered in Geoff’s ear, teasing him.

_I’ll jerk off in your shower next chance I get, smug-ass._

***

“This is fucking amazing.” Geoff was eating everything at once. He was blowing on the soup while holding a broccoli in his hand. “Makes me hate you for stealing my thunder a little bit, but tastes great.”

Ryan chuckled. “The chicken’s fine too?” He didn’t have any himself, he still couldn’t chew.

“Yeah, but you should buy a pan.”

“Maybe I will. So… what’s the plan for tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, do we need one? According to my nose fracture research you’re supposed to stay in bed for a week, so there’s only so much we can do…” Geoff discarded the thoughts that came to mind.

“No, what I meant was… Do you need to get ready for work? Are you going to stay here or at your place tomorrow night?”

“Is it the time to go back to reality already?”

“I think it is.” Ryan said sadly.

Geoff sighed. “Do we get to finish the meal first?”

“Sure. This way you can think while you eat.”

Geoff gave Ryan a quizzical look.

***

Ryan picked up the dishes, washed them and dimmed the lights. “Anything else?”

“No, thank you very much… I’ll go for a smoke, I’ll be right back.”

“You can smoke here. I do.”

“What about your nose?”

“I’ll be perfectly fine if you open the window.” Ryan sat back at the table.

“Okay…” Geoff did so and leaned on the wall, facing Ryan. It was very quiet in the evenings there. Ryan barely had any neighbors, finishing works were still going on in most of the apartments around. They could actually hear crickets from the outside.

“So, full disclosure.” Geoff took a drag. “I do usually clean and stuff on Sundays. And I am tired. The weeks you weren’t there took a toll on me. These last three days were incredible, but that’s kind of exhausting too. I feel like I’m on a trip… It’s all a little surreal.” That description was a good fit for the dark room they were in. “I was absolutely going to stay here tomorrow, though.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you could use another day of distraction. Because I’m not convinced I’ll ever hear from you again once I walk out that door and I don’t want to miss a unique opportunity.”

“I’m not planning on disappearing.”

“I guess I believe that.” Geoff sent a series of smoke rings into the street.

“Bilbo”, Ryan immediately said.

Geoff smiled gently. “Will you tell me how you are really doing?”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well as in ‘I am doing well’”.

“You’ve been pretending to, and that wasn’t a bad idea. You did laugh and you did sleep… right? It just would be useful to know.”

“Why do you think I’ve been pretending?”

“You though I was a hallucination. You slept on a bloody sweater on the floor.”

Ryan’s hand twitched and he spilled some wine on the table. Geoff frowned. Ryan got up to grab a paper towel roll. “Not that great at hiding what bothers me from you, am I?” He wiped the table. “I don’t have the energy to fake anything for 24 hours a day. I really did switch to a different mode.” He threw the used towels in the trash and turned to Geoff. “What I can’t believe is you. That you came to check on me, after what I did. That you stayed. And just you in general.” He pressed a finger on his eye again, looking at Geoff.

Geoff felt his heart warm. “Did I double?”

“Yeah, but that’s not much of a test. At this point I would’ve convinced myself I see you doubling.”

“I know I’m real”, Geoff smiled.

Ryan sat back in the chair and took his glass. “Do you know that I am?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe you’ve been suppressing so much that new job anxiety pushed you over the edge and you saw me under the desk.”

“Right.” Geoff chuckled.

“You went to a café by yourself, someone hit on you there, you had a weird conversation, made out, they brought you home and left, thinking you were hot, but a complete lunatic nonetheless.”

“Jack saw you too.”

“Jack actually went to visit his parents and wasn’t there the whole time.”

Geoff scoffed.

“You concentrated on work and that helped a little. But when you encountered a problem, you started worrying again and the delusion came back.”

“What is this place then?”

“A combination of places you’ve seen or been to before. Plus some tech stuff you’ve read about. Where are we exactly? Do you really know what part of the city this is?”

Geoff bit his lip.

Ryan continued in an eerie voice. “I’m just your projection. You said we have different problems because I represent the ones you don’t acknowledge. You even said helping me was helping you. Right now, you are actually at home, drooling on the bathroom floor, imagining this whole thing, telling yourself it’s time for a reality check…”

“Ryan!”

“What?”

“Fucking stop it, you are freaking me out!”

“Am I?”

“Are you shitting me??” Geoff looked at him, wide-eyed.

Ryan went to the window and pulled Geoff into a hug. “Hey”, he kissed Geoff’s temple.

“Fucking Christ, Ry…”

“Sorry, I thought I was being amusing.”

“You’ve added too many details…”

“Sorry.” Ryan put Geoff’s head on his shoulder. “You really are tired, aren’t you?”

***

Geoff was watching Ryan play The Vanishing of Ethan Carter. Ryan had already played through it before, but Geoff hadn’t. It seemed like a good low-energy choice. They did the first two puzzles and then Ryan just pressed forward, thinking about other things as his character was walking along the railroad.

“You should go home tomorrow. I can go with you, help you clean and leave in a couple hours, so you’ll take a break from me.”

“Again, bed rest. And Jack will be there. If he’s not visiting his parents.”

Ryan chuckled. “So what if he’ll be there?”

“He didn’t react well when I said I was staying at yours.”

“Oh”, Ryan stopped walking in the game. “He knows I… we haven’t been talking?”

“I didn’t tell him at first. But then I got drunk and I think I actually showed him my messages to you.”

“I see.” Ryan put the controller down. “Fuck. Should I explain myself to him? I’m not sure I know how.”

“You shouldn’t. He’s the one that needs to explain.” Geoff furrowed his brows when he recalled Jack’s words. “Ry, were you a dick to him at uni?”

“Um… I don’t think so? I think I was actually nicer to him than to anyone else.”

“I described the situation. In brief. The response I got… He’s such a fucking softy, I don’t know where that came from.”

“Huh.”

“We haven’t talked since.”

Ryan tried to go back to the game. He didn’t know what to say.

“Wait. I don’t want to dwell on this anymore. It’s just one day, right? Everything will be fine. I’ll go home, tidy my room, wash my undies, fight with Jack, text you some and take a bubble bath.”

Ryan laughed. “Great plan.”

“Everything will be fine, right?”

“Right.”

“And I’m sorry I talked to Jack about you.”

That did make Ryan supremely uncomfortable. Describing the situation, however briefly, meant that the information he’d been desperately trying to conceal was spreading. “You did nothing wrong.”

“There’s no way it doesn’t bother you.”

Ryan put his face in hands.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, I’m just thinking.”

Geoff nodded and left him alone. Ryan did that a lot, at least for the past few days – asked for a pause and engaged in some kind of inner conversation. That one took a while. Geoff picked up the controller and started playing himself.

“…You can tell Jack anything you want. Anything I do or tell you, unless I specifically ask you not to.”

Geoff’s eyebrows went up. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. I trust him. And I’m a part of your experience now.”

“Yeah you are.” Geoff smiled.

“But your other friend… Gus?”

“Gus.”

“Could you not tell him too much? Until I meet him? It would be a lot easier that way for me.”

That was another encouraging ‘until’ and that time Ryan didn’t back-pedal.

***

In the morning, Geoff wanted to leave as soon as possible. He skipped shower, got dressed and started packing. He still thought that could be the last time they ever saw each other. The feeling was insufferable and he just wanted to get rid of it.

He got to the door and Ryan handed him a box with The Vanishing of Ethan Carter in it. “Give it back to me when you’re done.”

“Okay.”

Ryan paused.

“Bye”, Geoff said.

“Bye.”

***

Jack wasn’t there when Geoff got home.

He started the washer and vacuumed. Then took a bubble bath. He mentioned it as a joke, but it started to seem really appealing, so he poured some shampoo in and soaked in the water for almost an hour, relaxing, recalling episodes of Sunny, distracting himself, building his spirit up. Finally, he got out in a towel, planning on watching some porn, certain enough that he wasn’t going to have a cry wank. He saw Jack in the kitchen, restocking the fridge, and went to sit at the table.

Jack noticed him and said nothing. He put all the groceries in and sat down, too. “How did everything go?”

“Fine.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“Now that I know how wrong you were? Anyone else, I would’ve punched in the face.”

Jack sighed.

“I’ll go put clothes on.”

***

When he got back, a cup of tea was waiting for him. He smiled a little. “Jack… He might be unreliable and everything, but… How many people like that do you think you’ll ever get to meet?”

“You think it’s worth it even if it ends badly?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t?”

“No, sucks too much.”

Geoff got up, opened a cabinet, put cookies on a plate and shoved one into Jack’s mouth. “Cheer up!” Jack put hands around his chin, catching the bits falling out. He smiled and nodded. Geoff felt something settle in his chest. “Is this the first time you and I had an actual fight?”

“If you mean left the argument unfinished and hadn’t talked for days, then yes. Probably wouldn’t have happened if you stayed.”

“First fight in two years and even that one was circumstantial”, Geoff grinned.

Jack felt like Geoff just took half the credit for his patience. “So, are you and Ryan dating?”

“What exactly do you mean?”

“Not just friends?”

“There was definitely more to it, but we might end up as just friends.”

“Is that what you want?”

Geoff sneered. “That’s so not what I want. Also not what I worry about.”

“You’re not sure he’ll stick around?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you make plans?”

“Talked about seeing each other Tuesday evening… He gave me a copy of a game we played and asked to give it back when I’m done.”

“That’s something, I guess.”

“It’s ‘The Vanishing of Ethan Carter’. Too symbolic to be unintentional, right?”

“Mixed signals?”

“More like planning on seeing me again, but giving me a little parting gift in case we won’t... Or I’m just reading into it too much.”

Jack shook his head.

“The worst thing is that if I don’t hear from him I have no way of telling if he’s just over me or he’s fucking dying somewhere.”

“What?”

“He’s… in a bad way.”

“He’ll be fine. People don’t die of a broken nose. You should worry about yourself.”

“Jack…” Geoff drummed his fingers on the table, gathering his thoughts. “…he was kind of disoriented when I got there. Barely remembered what happened. He lost it when I asked him how he was. There was so much blood in the bathroom….” Jack stared at him. “He said he left the office because he couldn’t work anymore. His life is fucking crumbling, buddy. And he’s alone, just like you said.”

“That’s… not what you told me last time.”

“Not my secrets to share. But now I have permission to share with you.”

“He said you could tell me?”

“Yup. And that he trusts you.”

Jack remembered his own words. _Look like a victim… toxic… invent an AI…_ He closed his eyes. “Do you think… he had a problem when he was at uni?”

“Well, yeah? These things don’t develop overnight.”

“He missed a lot of classes… but most of the time he seemed fine… I think...”

“He seemed fine since the second day with me, too.”

***

Ryan closed the door behind Geoff.

_I must say this guy might not be so bad._

_No shit._

_He did quite a number on you. What is it about him?_

_I don’t know…_

_Well, he’s useful, let’s keep him._

Ryan groaned. He unglued himself from the door and went to the couch.

_Uh-uh-u-uh! What do you think you’re doing?_

_I feel weak._

_Listen, you are finally in a condition I can work with. So could you do me a favor and not immediately go back to laying around like a sack of…_

_Shut your fucking hole._

_Boom! See? You are feeling better!_

_Not that much better. You’re here._

_I’m here to help._

_Then help me figure out how to make Geoff stop worrying about me ghosting him._

_If you spend your newfound energy on this kind of stuff, what’s the purpose of him?_

Ryan forcefully pressed on his temples. _God I hate myself._

_Hey, fuck that. I’ll figure something out for your little helper tomorrow, deal? Now let’s be productive._


	3. Automation

On Monday, Geoff got to the office early enough not to miss the weekly project meeting. He sat down in the back and counted the guys. There were 19 people present. Three development teams, one test team, Matt, the project leader, and Geoff himself, the unassigned free agent. He listened to the guys talk. They were all right, but he wished he would stay under Matt’s direct command.

So far, he did. They got back to their room and Matt was explaining the next task to him when he got a call.

“Hi, James! You’re up early. How’s the vacation going?”

Geoff frowned. Matt obviously had no idea.

“Hey, listen, I sent you some stuff Friday. A list of bugs no one knows what to do with and um… Yeah, new core architecture. You saw it? Will you look into the bugs and send some comments on the core my way? Before Wednesday?”

“Done as in fixed?”

“What did you modify?”

“Why?”

“Oh, okay. Might be a good idea. Can you write it down?”

“Already? Man, you’re making me really miss you.”

“So what did you want?”

“Right now?”

“You remember Geoff, the new guy? He’s adding some settings to the maps. Will you agree to supervise his task?”

“ID is IP40.”

“For you… Just pick something highlighted yellow in the specification and call me back.”

“Okay, great.”

Matt put down the phone and turned to Geoff. “You can start reading the materials. James will contact you in an hour, he’ll explain the rest. He’ll be your supervisor.”

Geoff tried to hide a smile.

Matt looked at him thoughtfully. “I feel like I’m sending you to some kind of intensive training. If the drill sergeant turns out to be too much, tell me, okay?”

“Okay.” Geoff barely heard what Matt said.

***

**Geoff: what did you just do? :)**

**Ryan: sorry I haven’t discussed this with you first. I wasn’t a hundred percent certain Matt would make an offer and I thought it would be more fun this way.**

**Geoff: so you are my boss?**

**Ryan: for now, yes. You’ll have to report to me every day.**

**Geoff: awful**

**Ryan: I know.**

***

What Ryan did was very reassuring. Geoff was happy to know Ryan successfully got back to work and he was head over heels happy to know that little commitment gesture was for him. He spent the rest of the day in a great mood and sent Ryan his first ideas at the end. He wouldn’t have sent something that raw to Matt, but he thought Ryan would cut him some slack.

***

He went to Ryan’s next evening. He pulled Ryan into a long hug when he opened the door. Ryan helped him take the jacket off and led him inside. Two notepads were waiting on the kitchen table.

“What’s that for?” Geoff asked.

“I’m ready to teach you some math.”

“Oh.”

“Are you hungry?”

“I am”, Geoff said, smiling and hoping for another culinary masterpiece of Ryan’s.

“Delivery will be here soon.”

“Oh. Okay.” Geoff sat down.

“Let’s not waste time. So, matrix transform.” Ryan seemed agitated. His right leg was jumping. He handed a pen to Geoff. “You’ll want to write some stuff down.”

***

Instead of a nice mellow evening, Geoff got a lecture. A well-executed, helpful, on-point lecture. At first, he was distracted by the way Ryan looked with glasses on, then started getting answers to questions he had for a while and got into it. When he glanced at the clock, he was disappointed to find out there was no time left for them to watch a movie or something, as he hoped they eventually would.

“Ry, I have to go in half an hour.”

“I figured. We’re done for today. Here’s your assignment.”

“Yeah, that’s… great, thank you.”

“Could you finish it by tomorrow?”

Geoff’s eyebrows went up. “Well, I’ve spent eight hours at work and three more here, studying. So… no?”

“Okay.” Ryan’s leg was still jumping.

“Can we relax now?”

“…I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to go back to being a useless sack of shit.”

 _Wow._ “That… doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking moment working.”

“Kind of does. I’ve been through this before. For now, I need to keep busy. I need to be tired at the end of each day or I’ll start slipping. I’ll have a bad night, then another one and before you know it, all you’ve done for me will become pointless.”

Geoff took his hand.

“I don’t want to lose the momentum. When my face heals, I’ll start exercising, it’ll be easier. But I’ll be working in the evenings for a couple weeks. And during the weekends. I’m sorry...”

“Then I guess we’ll have a busy couple weeks.”

Ryan looked at him, wide-eyed. “You want to do this with me?”

“I’ll lose my shit if it’s all work. But if you don’t mind switching to tutelage from time to time, then yeah, why not. Free knowledge.”

“Are you serious?” Ryan beamed.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll do my best to make it interesting. And you’ll get some decent work results, I promise.”

“Okay. Let’s make some money, too.”

When Geoff got home, he spent the hour left before bed on Ryan’s assignment.

***

Trying to keep up with Ryan’s insane work/study schedule was exciting at first. Geoff half-assed everything he did until he got interested in programming. Then he went through the same kind of switch of attitude Ryan did at uni. He thought he worked hard, but that week introduced him to another level.

His brain sped up to the point where he could go through several options of what to say before responding to a question without a noticeable pause. When he was getting ready in the morning, he semi-consciously calculated the optimal route to move around the apartment. People seemed to talk too slowly. Staying completely sober probably had something to do with all that.

They messaged each other every day and saw each other every evening. Each day Ryan acted more like just a colleague and Geoff started looking forward to the finish line. The fact that Ryan turned out to be insufferable as a boss and still hadn’t approved the development plan of his task wasn’t helping.

They didn’t take a break when the work week ended. Geoff thought that maybe they would when they run out of math relevant to the project. He pushed himself even more. He was so busy he was eating instant noodles on a regular basis.

When they were indeed, done, Ryan just attached an external disk drive with his personal research materials to Geoff’s laptop and offered Geoff to pick something else. Geoff browsed through the folders with a defeated expression on his face.

***

Geoff executed a script in Photoshop and the picture started drawing pixel by pixel. He leaned back in his chair. _I promised him two weeks. Only four days to go._ He glanced at the other side of the kitchen table, where Ryan was typing away. He couldn’t even see him – Ryan moved one of the monitors from the desk and it hid him fully. Geoff got an idea.

“I’m in a weird state, Ry.”

“What?” Ryan’s head peeked out from the side of the monitor.

“I’m in a weird state.”

“How so?”

“I want everything to be organized. I want people to be efficient. I think I want to listen to classical music. And I’m completely numb.” Geoff was describing the way he thought Ryan felt rather than the way he felt himself.

“Huh.”

“That’s how one becomes a serial killer, isn’t it? How do I shake it off?”

Ryan stayed thoughtful for a moment and then got up. He took a case from the closet, opened it and grabbed the violin and the fiddlestick. Then climbed on the window sill. “You said you wanted to listen to classical music?” Geoff thought he made it clear he didn’t want to want that, so he wasn’t sure what Ryan was doing. Ryan straightened up, looking really elegant, and started playing the Paganini caprice 24.

It sounded atrocious. Ryan searched for every other note. It took him a full minute to get through the first phrase.

Geoff broke into guffaws when he realized that wasn’t going to get any better. Ryan laughed, too. “Did I cheer you up?”

“Yes… oh my God, yes...” Geoff was still giggling, glad he found a way to break the ice.

Ryan nodded, put everything back, sat down in his chair and just started typing again.

Geoff stared at the backside of Ryan’s monitor, smile fading away. He imagined the table stretching out for miles with tiny Ryan at the other end of it.

He glanced at his screen. ‘What the fuck’ was written across it. The script was done executing and rendered what he programmed it to.

***

Friday, Geoff was at the office, working on the eights revision of the development plan.

**Gus: drinks tonight?**

Geoff looked at the message in hesitation. Then he got an email – more notes from Ryan.

**The interface prototype does not illustrate steps 7, 10 of demonstration scenario 1; steps 3, 4, 9-13 of demonstration scenario 2.**

**Geoff: yes**

**Gus: no plans with the James guy?**

**Geoff: Jack has quite a mouth on him**

**Geoff: I have a lot to tell you**

**Gus: waiting on the edge of my seat**

***

When Gus got to the bar, Geoff was already there, rocking a glass of whiskey in his hand. They did a half-hug and Gus climbed on the stool next to him.

“You look like crap.”

“Do I?” Geoff touched the stubble on his jaw.

“A lot of work?”

Geoff sighed. “More than ever.”

Gus caught bartender’s attention and ordered a beer. “If this is going in the same direction it did last time, you should give me your keys right away.”

“No, no...” Geoff finished his whiskey. “Same for me”, he told the bartender.

***

Gus went through several ‘bones to pick on’ of his. Geoff responded in a way that wasn’t typical for him, staying kind of reserved and thoughtful. Eventually, Gus got annoyed. “Did they brainwash you in that office?”

“What? Why?”

“Where are my laid-back asshole comments?”

Geoff chuckled a bit.

“That was a fake laugh if I’ve ever heard one. Seriously, shadow of Geoff, what’s up?”

“Like you said, a lot of work. It’s hard to relax.”

“I can’t remember the last time I saw you online on Xbox. Did you work over the weekend? Is it that interesting or are you falling behind or something?”

“Neither… I was studying.”

“What were you studying?”

“Math at first. Then fractals. Which is also technically math, but in this case turned out to be more Photoshop automation and programming.”

“Wh…. Oh. James.”

“Yes.”

“Is that how you date a nerd?”

“That’s funny, coming from you.”

“I’m more of a geek.”

“Good point.”

Gus stared at Geoff for a long moment and then slapped him.

“What the fuck??” Geoff yelped, holding his cheek.

“Snap out of it! You are creeping me out!”

Geoff started laughing. He kept on for a while, relieving the tension that had built up in him.

“You back?”

“Yeah… yeah.” Geoff ran a hand over his hair. “You fucking slapped me, that didn’t go unnoticed, just so you know.”

“Okay. So, again, what’s up?”

“Fucking Ryan…”

“Who’s Ryan?”

“James Ryan is the full name. Call him Ryan, will you?”

“Okay…? What’s with him?”

“That’s an excellent question.”

Gus waited.

“…I thought I made good decisions when it came to personal life. I can’t believe I ended up in a relationship this imbalanced. I can’t even figure out when I fucked up. Was it when I said I didn’t need him to take care of me? I really don’t. I still need him to care about me, I thought that was a given.”

 _This is new._ “He doesn’t?”

“It used to seem like he did. This thing between us is going backwards. He’s my boss now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean literally, he’s my supervisor. And tutor. That’s for sure. If he’s my boyfriend or even my friend, I can’t tell anymore.”

There was a long pause.

Geoff closed his eyes. “He’s kind of… quirky. I met him at a low point and did what I could to help out. He was trying to distract himself with work and I offered to join. Now I begin my days with reading emails from him that tell me I’m not good enough at my job and end them with performing a live demonstration of not being a quick study.”

“He knows so much more than I do and he’s fucking 25. All because ten years ago I only cared about moving here and boning. I even think… maybe he’s so cold now because I’ve disappointed him?”

Gus chuckled before he could stop himself.

“Hey! I’m sharing my insecurities here!”

“Oh, how the tables have turned…” Gus was still chuckling. “Sure, you skipped uni because you only cared about boning. You really did care, I’ll give you that. But you also thought you were smarter than everybody else already and that classes were pointless bullshit.”

“You were fucking obnoxious. When you talked to people, you basically auditioned them to find out if they were worth your time. I bet you still do that, you just hide it better.”

Geoff frowned.

“I’m not saying there was no ground. There was and there is. It especially shows in your attitude, in the way you perceive boredom as the worst thing ever. Take a traditional Geoff look at your situation.”

“And a traditional Geoff look is?”

“The guy’s interesting. He made you question your intelligence. How awesome is that?”

“Doesn’t feel awesome.”

“Well, boo-hoo, that’s how you feel when you get to the next stage. You did that to me once.”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t be, it worked out great. To be fair, you were older than I was, so I can see why the current situation is embarrassing for you.”

Geoff smiled. “You are a jerk. You are really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Gus laughed. “Geoffrey… You actually do make good decisions when it comes to personal life. Now. How often do you see this guy?”

“Every day?”

“Then there’s no way he doesn’t care about you or he’s disappointed in you.”

“…Thanks.”

“Cheers.”

They clinked their glasses.

“I’m falling for him. Hard. It makes everything different.”

“As in better?”

“As in… contradictory. Affecting me too much. I’ve made some promises I’m not sure I can keep... Jack asked if I thought it would be worth it even if it ended badly. I was like – ‘yeah, of course’. Didn’t take long to start wondering if that’s true.”

It was weird to see Geoff lose confidence. “Come on. You just need some rest.”

“Yeah…”

Gus tried to come up with something better. “When I first talked to you about Ester, you seemed sad. Were you?”

“I was.”

“I guess now you finally have a love interest of your own.”

“Does it have to be this difficult?”

“I think it does for you. Would you’ve been interested otherwise? Embrace it.”

“I would’ve embraced the shit out of it if I could. I’m realizing I’m not that smart – whatever, you’re right, I’ll improve. He’s younger and he’s my boss – can easily deal with that. All that can be imbalanced. The level of affection can’t be, not this much. He usually acts restrained, he doesn’t do small talk, but he used to do talk. When the conversation took the right turn, he engaged fully. We don’t have conversations anymore. And he stays a foot away from me at all times.”

“What?”

“We haven’t fucked.”

“Oh.”

“It’s driving me nuts. We are so out of sync… I’m in The Age of Innocence, he’s in an MIT lecture.”

Gus nodded, further befuddled. _Did he just say The Age of Innocence?_

“He made a move twice. When we first met, that… got interrupted, and then when I was staying at his I shut it down. God… I can’t fucking stop thinking about that.” Geoff rubbed his forehead. “He’s talking about math and I’m imagining him on his knees with my dick in his mouth.”

“Why not make it happen?”

“I knew from the start that wasn’t all in good fun for him.”

“I thought you’ve learned to avoid people like that.”

“For casual sex, sure.”

“Huh.”

“I found a porn actor that kind of looks like him. You don’t want to know how many times I’ve watched the four videos he’s in…”

Geoff felt a pat on his shoulder. He turned to meet eyes with the guy standing at the bar counter next to them.

“Dude, this is a public place. Can you love cock elsewhere? Why do I have to listen to this shit while I wait for my drink?”

“Why do I have to listen to your fuckwit strip club plans while I wait for mine?” Geoff waved his head in the direction of the table the guy came from. Bartender brought him the beer he ordered. He grabbed it and went back to his booth.

The cold pissed off expression Geoff had on his face was finally something familiar.

“Geoff, he backed off. Don’t do this, okay?”

“Have I told you the BDSM story?”

***

Geoff loudly and provocatively talked about gay sex for almost an hour, pouring in one drink after another. They started getting looks not only from the first guy’s posse, but from two other ones.

They were in a cheap bar far from the center of the city. There was no security staff and about fifteen people really annoyed with them. Gus asked Geoff to stop several times. He offered to go somewhere else, to no avail. He said he wanted to leave and Geoff said, ‘okay, leave’.

That situation was way shittier than usual. The new desperate Geoff was the worst of them all.

Geoff went to the bathroom and Gus saw a guy stand up and go after him. He grabbed their phones and went there too. Geoff was taking a piss at the urinal. The guy noticed Gus and went to a sink. Gus started washing his hands at the next one. “Shut him the fuck up and get out of here.”

“What did you just say?” Geoff asked, still pissing.

The guy left.

Gus unlocked Geoff’s phone. He wrote a message to Jack, but then deleted it and switched to Ryan.

**Geoff: Geoff is taking gay pride too far. We’re about to get our shit kicked all the way in. I’ve failed to talk sense into him. Maybe you have a chance**

**Ryan: Jack?**

**Geoff: Gus**

**Ryan: Where are you?**

Gus sent their location.

**Ryan: Be safe for half an hour, I’ll be right there**

***

They got back. “So where did I leave the conversation? Oh, right, he yelled like he was in the 300 spartans movie…”

“Can you pause your crusade?”

“Why?”

“Did you understand why Jack behaved the way he did?”

Geoff frowned. “Not really.”

“He told me what it was like for him to study with Ryan...” Gus started repeating Jack’s words, violating his trust and feeling guilty about it, but he couldn’t think of another way to distract Geoff.

***

Gus was glancing at the door as he talked. He wanted to see the person he’d heard so much about. He wanted to see who managed to leave an impression on Geoff. Most of all, he wanted to get a chance for both of them to get out of there safely.

Each time the door opened, he got hyped.

An older guy in a suit. _What are you even doing here?_

The bathroom guy getting back in. _Come on._

A girl. _Nice._

A slim twinkish guy with a beard and a big nose. _Maybe?_ He walked past them.

A guy with a Gears of War tattoo and curly hair who looked pissed off. _Yes._ He went straight to the bartender. _No?_

A tall guy in a button-up shirt, blank expression on his face. _Huh._

Ryan patted Geoff’s shoulder.

“Back already?” Geoff said, turning, prepared to take a punch.

“I guess.”

Geoff’s eyebrows went up. “Ry? What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to take you guys home.”

“Both of us?” Geoff leered.

Ryan smiled. “I meant each of you to your respective home. Hi, Gus, I’m Ryan.” He hesitated for a moment and extended a hand. Gus put two and two together and shook it carefully, making the contact brief.

“I don’t get it… How did you know where we were? Did you hack my phone or something?”

“Gus texted me, that’s all.”

“Oh, did he…” Geoff glanced at Gus. Gus shrugged. “Well, I’m glad to see you.”

“I’m glad to see you, too. Expected to see you earlier and under different circumstances, nevermind, though. We should go.”

“Nope. Not ready to end the night.”

“There’re all kinds of drinks at my place. Let’s continue there.”

“You serious?”

“Sure am.”

“Now that’s something I can agree to.”

They asked for a check. A bunch of guys went outside. Ryan made eye contact with Gus and hooked his thumb towards them, asking a non-verbal question. Gus nodded.

When the bartender brought them the change, Ryan said ‘I have a request’ and took a step to the side, gesturing the man to come talk to him. Gus saw Ryan explain something and hand the bartender some extra money.

“Let’s go.” Ryan said to Geoff and Gus. They got up and followed the bartender to the storage room.

“Are we getting drugs?” Geoff asked Ryan.

“Sure.” Ryan put an arm around Geoff’s waist.

“You’re fun.” Geoff grinned drunkenly.

The bartender opened the back door for them and they got out at the other side of the building. There was a cab waiting. Ryan led them to it and got in the front seat. “We can go back now”, he told the driver.

***

They ended up at Ryan’s kitchen table. Ryan poured three glasses of whiskey, put an ashtray on the table and dimmed the lights, creating their own private little bar. He placed a bag of peanuts next to Geoff after Geoff and Gus declined his offer to make them something to eat.

“So, you’ve known each other for a long time?”

“Thirteen years, right?” Geoff looked at Gus, leaning heavily on his elbow.

“More like fourteen. I was in ninth grade, you were in tenth.” Gus turned to Ryan. “We went to the same computer club to game when we skipped classes. Then he introduced me to beer.”

“And what was high school Geoff like?”

“Normally I would say he was even more insufferable than he is now. Today I’m not sure.”

“Hey,” Geoff slightly objected.

“He used to torture teachers and administrative staff.”

“That’s not true.” Geoff said.

Gus put a hand in front of Geoff’s face. “Once, he had a class more than I did and we had plans after. So, he brings me to his chemistry teacher, a nice young lady, and asks if I can join, sit at the desk with him and wait there. She says no, since that’s generally not allowed. He makes puppy eyes and asks ‘Is that because he’s my boyfriend?’. And she let me stay.”

“You said you liked her! I thought you would hit it off!”

Ryan chuckled.

“Really. You thought all I needed to do was sit in her class once and she’d find me irresistible.”

“Yeah!”

“And that’s why you told her I was your boyfriend.”

“Okay, I don’t remember what I was thinking.”

Gus smiled. “At least we got to share a desk.”

“Maybe that was it.” Geoff pointed a finger at him.

“Shut up”, Gus took a sip, still smiling.

***

Geoff went to the bathroom and straight to bed afterwards. He climbed in and fell asleep.

Ryan checked on him and returned to Gus.

“I think he’s done for the night.” Gus let out a long breath. “He has no sense of self preservation, does he?”

“Yeah.” Gus said, munching on the peanuts.

“How do you deal with that?”

“Usually I join the cause.” He swallowed. “This time it wasn’t worth it.”

“I see.”

“You really saved our asses today. Thanks, man. That was brilliant.”

Ryan grinned.

“To be fair, you are the reason we got into that situation in the first place.”

“…How so?”

“That one is unhappy.” Gus pointed at Geoff. “He’s reckless enough as it is. You should do something about that.”

Ryan fell silent.

“Well, I’m going home.”

***

The first time Geoff woke up was when he got sober. He knew he would feel awful if he got up right away, so he just rolled over and tried to fall asleep again. That part involved a lot of hazy dreaming.

He was working for the guy from the bar, the first one. Or the bathroom one, they’ve merged. He was supposed to replace the glass in a window of a classroom, so he was walking through the school he used to go to, holding a sheet. A kid started helping him.

“The fuck are you doing?” Geoff asked.

“Holding the glass, why?”

They went into the room and the only one there was another kid, playing on his phone at the desk in the back. “The fuck are you doing?” He put down his phone.

“It’s freezing.” Geoff pointed at the empty frame. The kid that was helping him left through it.

Geoff rushed to see the body. There was nothing on the ground. He turned around and the other kid pushed him. He was half-sticking out, struggling pointlessly, staring at the pavement.

“What did I ever do to you??” Geoff yelped before he fell and bashed his head.

***

He opened his eyes and took in the surroundings. _I’m not home._ He touched the arm of the couch he was staring at. _I’m at Ry’s._ He remembered Gus saying ‘shadow of Geoff’, Ryan saying ‘I’m taking you guys home’, himself saying ‘you’re fun’ when he thought Ryan was buying acid. He squinted.

“Geoffy?” Ryan was on the couch next to him, cross-legged, holding a controller, laptop set aside. He looked a little weird in his white long-sleeve and sweatpants, like a patient who had to stay in bed all day.

“What time”, Geoff coughed, “what time is it?”

Ryan handed him a glass of water, wincing in sympathy. “3:47 pm.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. It’s also time for breakfast.” Ryan gave him a wide smile.

***

Geoff was sipping hot sweet tea Ryan made them instead of coffee. He’d just showered and his hair was even more of a mess than usual. All the windows were open and the faint cigarette smell was quickly replaced with the smell of pancakes and bacon Ryan was frying.

“Are you feeling light-sensitive? Would you mind eating outside?” Ryan flipped another pancake.

“Like in the park?” _Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?_

“Like on the roof.”

“You have a roof terrace, you fancy prick?”

Ryan chuckled. “No. Only vents, ruberoid and bird excrements up there. But the view is quite admirable.”

“How did you get a key?”

“It’s open for some reason. Pretty sure we’re not supposed to be there.”

“We aren’t going to sit on the ledge or something, right? I hate heights.”

“Not if you don’t want to. There’s a two meter high ladder we’ll have to climb to the hatch. Might be a little scary going down, but I’ll help you.”

***

The view from the 20th floor was amazing. All the buildings in the area had less stories, so nothing was blocking it. Geoff was eating pancakes, drinking orange juice, watching the tops of the trees lounge around in the park and feeling happy and a little surreal, as he often did around Ryan, the sweet non-robotic Ryan. He had already thanked him for the food and for the roof idea. He remembered something he wanted to ask.

“I’m going to tell you what Gus told me that Jack told him.”

“That bitch Betsy got a sweater just like his?”

Geoff smiled briefly. “It’s about uni.”

“Okay.”

“As I see it, Jack was a naïve village boy and you were a cool capital boy with a cool secret life.”

“Sure. You’ve seen that secret life now, it’s very cool. I moved here, too.”

“It actually is.” Geoff made a vague gesture. “And you moved from the second largest city in the country, the cultural capital.”

“What did Jack say?”

“That you hung out twice during the first years, both times he thought he found a real friend and then you blew him off. What was that about?” Ryan tensed. “Ry?”

“I don’t think you want to know.”

“I do. It’s kind of important.”

“The second time I got distracted with… my own stuff, but you really won’t like what I have to say about the first.”

“Just tell me.”

Ryan put his plate away. “…I got drunk that night and blacked out. Partially. I remembered Jack sharing something personal, but couldn’t quite piece it all together afterwards.”

“That happens…”

“I also remembered a… vibe, I guess. We woke up in the same bed and I had one less condom than I thought I did.” Ryan rubbed his face. “I thought we’d fucked.”

Geoff froze.

“I’m almost certain we hadn’t now.”

“Based on what?” Geoff asked in a husky voice.

“His behavior.”

Geoff impulsively stood up and started walking around. Ryan waited. Geoff stopped in front of him after a lap. “Do you realize that if you did you were his first? He came out a year ago. And when was that, first course?”

“First course.”

“Then he had a very limited experience with girls, too.”

“I’m sorry.” Ryan whispered.

“You said you were nice to him… And that was what you meant?”

“No. ...I forgot.”

Geoff shook his head. “Why didn’t you talk to him? To find out what happened? To make sure he’s alright, like a human being?”

“I just wanted to get past it.”

“You had no further interest?”

“I was with someone else at the time.”                                                                   

“God damn it, Ryan.” Geoff sat back down and looked away. “A guy or a girl?”

“A guy.”

“Was it… an open relationship?”

“No.”                                                                                                                                          

Geoff kept not getting the answers he hoped for. “Was it… serious?”

“Yes.”

“Really serious?”

“Yes. We’ve been together for months before that and for six more years after.”

“I don’t understand. Jack said you had a lot of one-night stands… And all that time you were with someone?”

“…What do you want me to say?”

“Fuck if I know. Something to make me get it?”

“There’s nothing to get. I’m just a fucking whore.” Geoff turned to him. “You don’t have to worry about that now. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have slept with anyone else even if I wanted to. And I never really wanted to.”

They sat in silence for a while. Geoff grabbed a cigarette from behind his ear and started patting his pockets, looking for a lighter. Ryan handed him one and they made awkward eye contact. “I… didn’t understand you this time, Ry”, Geoff blabbed out, unable to ignore Ryan’s miserable expression.

“I’m not sure I understand myself in that regard. …Most times, I was just fucked up. I had no idea what I was thinking afterwards.”

“That’s… Not how it’s supposed to work at all.”

“I think I know that now.”

“Okay…” Geoff tentatively wrapped an arm around Ryan and he put his head on Geoff’s shoulder. Then Geoff just sat there, upset with what he heard, worried, yet unwilling to move. “I think there’s some information I should share as well.”

“What is it?”

“I hit on Jack when I met him. He said he only dated girls. We stayed friends, became roommates. Then I saw him with a dude. I was annoyed. He said watching me finally gave him the courage.”

“Oh.”

“We really are just friends. Nothing ever happened.”

“You can fuck anyone you want to, it doesn’t bother me.”

Geoff moved away. “Great.”

“No, no, it’s not that I don’t care about you. I… You are the closest person I’ve had in years. I just… never felt jealousy?”

“So, my partner hooks up with someone. They have a bad time and realize they like me better – I only hope it wasn’t too bad. They have an okay time and realize they like me better – that works out in my favor. They have a great time and prefer the person to me – then we shouldn’t be together. I don’t see the downside.”

Geoff didn’t know how to react to that. That seemed to make sense, but the point of view was alien to him.

“In our case… If I’m taking too long, you should find someone you can have that kind of fun with.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to at all.”

Ryan dropped on his back and fixed his gaze on the sky. He pulled on Geoff’s shirt and Geoff laid down next to him. “Do you think you can come up with a way for this to function?” Ryan asked quietly.

“I don’t know what I’m dealing with.”

“Oh. Your eyes are very blue, your voice is amusing and you are really, really clever. I want to date you. Do you want to date me?”

Geoff’s eyes widened. “I… didn’t mean this”, he waved a hand between them. “I meant you.”

“I see.”

Geoff didn’t follow that up with anything and Ryan chuckled bitterly. “I thought that was merely a formal confirmation, but I’ve just asked a very difficult question, haven’t I?”

“Ry…”

“When I first found myself in need of a job, a friend recommended me to her employer, I got hired and we became colleagues. She regretted that deeply, as I found out later. I was being arrogant, criticizing and generally obnoxious without ever realizing it. I thought I’ve improved since then, but Geoffy, if you would rather have someone else as your supervisor, I completely understand.”

“No. You’re a hardass, but you’re good at what you do.”

“Thank you. As for me turning dating into a lecture course… I wanted to distract myself. It worked too well. It kind of got away from me, I apologize.”

“Most of the stuff you taught me was fucking fascinating. Thank you, really. I just wasn’t as distracted as you were.”

Ryan turned to his side, facing Geoff. “You’ve endured it for long enough.”

Geoff turned, too. Ryan looked less miserable, but exhausted nonetheless. “Did you sleep?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Geoffy… are you even serious?”

“Yeah?”

“Gus’ text woke me up. I drank some with you when we returned… Then Gus opened my eyes on our situation. I searched for a way to make the morning tolerable for you. Went and bought a skillet, since I didn’t feel like sleeping at that point. It was interesting, an empty mall at night. Then… You don’t snore. Apparently, drunk Geoff does. Got back up, watched a movie.”

“Sorry… What did you watch?”

“Waiting for Godot. An adaptation of an old French play.”

“How was it?”

“Oddly amusing. One of characters said ‘I’ve puked my puke of a life right here’… It was funny.”

They looked into each other’s eyes and Geoff shifted closer. “So, we fucked up your sleep?”

“I’ve been following a schedule.”

“I’m sorry.” Geoff repeated.

“Nevermind.” Ryan laced their fingers together.

They didn’t do much more talking that day.


	4. Hair brush

Geoff held his first meeting. He went from the specification to the interface prototype, from the interface prototype to the development details. A ton of questions rained down on him. He was ready to answer all of those, in written form, most of the time.

When he was done, the CEO turned to him. “Mr. Ramsey, right?” Geoff nodded. “Exemplary. Can we hope for more meetings like this, Matt?”

Matt shrugged. “When the deadline makes it possible.”

“Who supervised this?”

“James.”

“’I’m not prolonging my contract’ James? ‘I’ll work with you remotely when I feel like it’ James? And who would supervise this if he declined?”

“Me. But I’m busy.”

“You see the problem here?”

“Yes, what do you expect me to do with it?”

“I want you to train people so they can train others…”

The voices faded in Geoff’s head as he basked in the feeling of being done with the grueling research phase. No more do-overs, no more annoying emails. After eleven fucking work days, he finally got to the programming part. He had Ryan to thank for both how wearing and how successful the research was.

***

Back at his apartment in the evening, he was playing Hyper Light Drifter, still in a great mood. Jack came home around ten. Geoff jumped up like an eager puppy and hugged him.

“Where’ve you been?”

“I had a date.”

“Nice! How did it go?”

“I’m here already, so how do you think it went…”

“Hmm, let’s see…” He took Jack’s umbrella, opened it and put it on the floor to dry. “He didn’t get your jokes.”

“Check.”

“You did most of the talking.”

“Check.”

“You made him listen to a They Might Be Giants song and he just shrugged.”

“Check.” Jack smiled a little.

“Kissed you anyway.”

“Confidential.”

Geoff laughed. “Maybe a game of Halo with me could cheer you up?”

“Are we back to that?”

“Absolutely.”

***

Jack won a few rounds and they saw a notification, telling them Gus was online. “Should I invite Ryan for 2v2?” Geoff asked. Jack reluctantly agreed.

Soon the four of them were in a party chat. Gus offered Ryan to team up.

Geoff and Jack failed miserably every time. “Okay, we need to switch. You should be with Ryan.” Jack told Geoff.

**Headset Gus: Yeah, drag that motherfucker down.**

**Headset Ryan: What? You are on my team!**

**Headset Gus: Watching you hoard all the kills! Would be nice to get a chance to fucking play!**

“What the hell, Jack?” Geoff was offended, too.

**Headset Ryan: Fine! Let’s do this, Geoffy, we’ll fuck them up real good.**

***

After the exhausting weeks Geoff had, he found comfort in his usual way of life. He hung out with Jack, binge-watched TV show episodes he missed and read. He’d passed the point of no return, though, for Ryan’s question was scratching at the back of his mind at all times. He didn’t want to think about that and avoided Ryan. Not fully, he checked on Ryan every day, they exchanged work-related emails, they gamed together. But he refused to meet in person.

One evening, he dressed warmly, filled a flask and went to do some soul searching.

His special secret place was a concrete platform at the top of a waterfall on a river half an hour away from the apartment. A guy brought him there once for seduction purposes. It worked. Months later, he tried that with someone else and they ended up running into Geoff. Geoff chose to act like a crazy person. He said he came there every night, hoping they would meet again, said he could forgive his unfaithfulness and take him back. In other words, Geoff made sure he won’t be interrupted again and annexed the territory.

 _Ryan, Ryan, lovely Ryan, how did you do this to me? What is this sorcery?_ Geoff chuckled to himself. Unlike Ryan, he knew how not to take himself too seriously.

Ridiculous and funny, sentimental, best friend you could have Geoff was hardly the whole picture and, frankly, barely real. Invincible sarcastic asshole Geoff was much closer to the truth.

He felt little connection to anyone. He tried to, a lot, adopting a ‘fake it till you make it’ technique. Up until a year ago, he had an ample sex life, but his love life was non-existent. He got tired of that. The way his friendships worked was: he got to know someone and if he thought they measured up, decided  _I care about you now_  and acted accordingly. He did enjoy spending time with them and in general, definitely had emotions, although they were superficial and transient. He was quick to tear up over a sappy movie or a three-legged puppy and that was about it.  
  
Not that he was a bad person. He was invested in the lives of people he liked and was exceptionally nice to them most of the time, hoping that would make him feel less alone. And he had an excuse for being that way; namely, his own life was kind of shitty. He developed a visualization of what happened to him and it got stuck in his mind. He imagined his innards moving outwards towards his skin, hardening it and turning him into a husk.

His eagerness to hit on Ryan wasn’t surprising. His genuine romantic bliss was. The effect Ryan’s disappearance had on him was just baffling. A torturous longing feeling settled in his chest for good. And the mixture of fear and hope that tormented him at the moment was something he only felt once before, when he fell for his classmate in middle school.

As anxious as he was, he took a leap of faith and confessed his love. The boy literally ran away. That was the ultimate wrong decision, the beginning of the shit storm.

All he could think about was that he was going to be outed. He wanted to kill himself that night. Then he realized that nothing was scarier than that. He decided to own it. He woke his mother up and they had a talk. When he came to school the next day, he wrote ‘I’m gay’ on the board. During the next weeks, everyone had something to say about that, kids, parents, teachers, the principal, his mother’s colleagues. Eventually, the interest died down and he just had to suffer through talking to the school counselor every Thursday after class.

Many unfortunate situations followed. Most of the time, he found the strength to deal with those, to turn the story into an inspiring one. Some people respected him for what they knew of those stories, saw them as defining moments. Geoff himself wished he hadn’t had to go through any of that.

He thought that he and Ryan used to be alike. Sensitive, observant and therefore, very understanding. Ryan to the point where he couldn’t get angry with anyone, always able to see where the person that wronged him was coming from. Geoff learned to get angry. In fact, he could hardly control it, especially when he was younger. Jack was unfamiliar with that side of him, Gus wasn’t. Though Gus knew how to be a dick himself, it took him a lot of effort to forgive some of Geoff’s lash outs.

Geoff wanted Ryan to have a better life and hoped it wasn’t too late. He wanted to preserve what gentleness was left. He didn’t know if that was a perfect alliance or a clearly unhealthy relationship.

_Well, maybe unhealthy is fucking fine with me. I’m not interested in being two separate fully-functioning people who enjoy having fun together from time to time, had a dozen chances to do that. I want this to turn everything upside down. For fuck’s sake, we both need it._

Though he tried to stall, he was rushing into the next part of his life full speed, all senses on high alert, each day not a normal one. He didn’t know himself anymore and that scared the crap out of him.

_When he came to pick us up… He almost took a beating because of me. I thought he was going to do acid and that seemed like a good idea…_

_How much can I limit the drinking? I’m already at my minimum…_

_What if I flip out on him?_

_What if I… lose it and persuade him to sleep with me… he basically confirmed that was an issue… God I’m afraid to find out why that’s an issue…_

_I actually can’t trust myself right now, can I?_

_I could just be his friend for a short while. Or a long while. I don’t know how much time I need._

By then, both whiskey and Geoff’s newfound feels were kicking in.

He recalled sitting next to panda-eyed Ryan on the hallway floor, listening to the words Ryan carefully let out with his poorly moving lips. He was grateful for the slow pace as he was trying to save the conversation in his memory. Something tender was reawakened in his heart and it hurt.

_If only we met ten years ago… Everything could’ve been so different… so perfect…_

_Is this my only chance? Will something like this ever happen again?_

_I will help him and he will start seeing someone. I will have to be fine with it. I will fuck other people, imagine him and think of this very moment. Shit, I’ll only imagine, right? God damn it, should I ask for one night? No, I can’t… I can’t._

Geoff stood up and started taking his clothes off. He got completely naked and walked the tilted side of the platform into the water. It was cold, but he was too drunk to feel it. He swam a little and then turned to his back, floating.

***

Geoff invited Ryan and Gus for a casual off-line game night. When Ryan came by, he let Gus open the door, staying in the back. He waved a hand at Ryan and he twisted an eyebrow in response.

As they messed each other up on the screen, Geoff was watching Ryan, trying to determine if he would agree to be just friends. He listened to Ryan and Gus banter. Ryan seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself and Geoff grew stronger in his decision.

Gus got a call and left the room. They paused the game and Geoff took the dirty plates to the kitchen.

Ryan turned to Jack and tried to make use of the moment of privacy they got.

“Jack?” He asked hesitantly.

“What?”

Ryan collected his thoughts. “There’s something I wanted to say.” _What are you doing? No._ He started spilling out the pre-prepared speech. “When I started hearing more about you from Geoff, I recalled an impression you left in my mind. It got stored somewhere in the background, like an unusual story not connected to anyone. It had been affecting my judgment for years. In a way, I never forgot what you told me.”

Jack was unimpressed. “Of course it can’t be ‘I’m sorry I was drunk’, it has to be some complicated bullshit that basically means ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’.”

“I am sorry. For everything I might have done.”

“Just stop. I’m aware that you are capable of coming up with something to say.”

“Apparently, I am not.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure it works on Geoff.” Ryan frowned. “He’s already fucking building his life around you, you realize that? So far, it’s for the best – he’s doing great at work, he drinks way less. But it will be awful when you decide to leave him behind. And you will.”

“Jack…”

“You know, you are not as tolerable when I don’t get to shoot you in the face.”

Geoff heard that on his way to the living room. He backed away and went to the bedroom instead. Gus stared at him. “I’m talking to Ester”, he whispered. Geoff put fingers in his ears. What he overheard left him… really glad. He sat down in the corner. _Seems like a leap of faith is my only choice._

Ryan uncrossed his legs and leaned on the couch. “How many people do you talk to, Jack? More than once a month?”

“Why?”

“Would you just answer?”

“Ten.”

“You should work on your communication. Anyway, it’s five for me. Matt, my mother, Geoff, Gus and you. And it was just the first two for years.”

“For years?” Jack asked skeptically.

“For a year and a half, almost exactly.”

“You should work on your communication, too.”

Ryan swallowed, containing his anger. “I should.”

“Is that all you wanted to say?”

“I wanted to say…” _That he can go fuck himself. Tell him to go fuck himself. Tell him you are planning to offer Geoff to live together and you are looking forward to watching him slowly drop out of your lives._ “This thing matters more to me than it does to Geoff.”

Jack scoffed. “I wonder how much you believe that yourself.”

_Well, now he has a point._

“Shu-ut up, both!”

“What?”

Ryan put his head in hands. “Nothing. Fucking nothing.”

They sat in silence for a couple minutes. Geoff came to check on them and walked in.

Ryan immediately straightened up.

***

Gus finally got them a win, even though Jack barely helped. He was the only one in the room still concentrated on the game. “YES.” Gus put his arms in the air and cheered. “Fucking suck it”, he told Ryan. Ryan smiled a bit. “Well, I think we should make this the last round to commemorate my victory. Movie?”

“I should go.” Ryan said.

“Not that gracious of a loser, are you?”

“Guess not.”

Gus gave him a suspicious look. “Okay.”

Ryan shook hands with everyone. When he got to Geoff, Geoff held onto his hand and pulled on it to get up from the couch. “I’ll walk you to the subway.”

“Wasn’t planning on taking the subway, but sure.”

***

“So, is this over?” Ryan asked as they were walking the empty streets in the general direction of his place.

“What?”

“It’s okay, I’ll deal. What choice do I have… You’ve been avoiding me, Jack hates my guts… Gus and I get along, though, I guess we could keep gaming together if you don’t mind.”

“Jesus, Ry, of course I don’t.”

“Thank you. Now give me an answer. Please, don’t leave me hanging anymore. You’ve been doing that for more than three weeks, significantly longer than I have.”

Geoff stopped and turned to him. “I desperately want to be with you. The way this feels… is something else. I don’t fucking know what to do. And I usually know.”

“If I want it and you want it, what is happening?”

“I’m trying not to force you into a relationship you can’t have right now.” _Talk about projection._

Ryan sat on the pavement. Geoff followed.

“That’s… vague. Can we pull the point to pieces?”

“Okay.” Geoff hugged his knees and put his head on them. “You… don’t seem to be afraid of being alone, but maybe, hopefully, us hanging out made you feel better and you don’t want to lose that?”

“All of those statements are true.”

“Well, you don’t need to date me to have that.”

“I believe you. If you turn me down and offer your friendship instead, I will gratefully take it.”

“Really?” _Fuck..._

“As long as you’re not doing it out of guilt. I trust myself to tell the difference.”

“Okay.”

Ryan glanced at him. “You have that look on your face again. Geoffy, I won’t disappear. Not going anywhere unless you tell me to fuck off.”

“Okay.” _I’m not an open book to him. Guess that’s good, he doesn’t know I’m a piece of shit… I want to try and be with him right now._ “So, that was the forcing part.”

“Defused?”

“Yeah.”

Ryan gave him a thumbs up, since he felt like touching was not an option.

Geoff lit a cigarette. The next part was complicated. It was a problem, a very new to him problem.

Ryan patiently waited.

“Do you… have it in you to think about someone else? Shit, sorry, that sounded bad… Did I really just start with that? I meant… I said I don’t need you to take care of me, but I probably will sometimes? So I lied? I… fuck, let me start over.”

“People have to tend to their own needs first of all. Before they can do anything for anyone else. That can be surpassed for a moment or for a short while, but not constantly. And that applies to both you and me. I understand that you need to focus on yourself. I’m telling you that I can’t not focus on myself forever. I’m not that selfless.”

“You are plenty fucking selfless.”

Geoff squinted and rubbed his face.

“Geoffy… what you know of me so far is rather inadequate. Because I was in a bad place and because we’ve just met. I would love to focus on someone else. Especially if they are anything like you.”

Hearing that was very comforting and Geoff’s lips formed a timid smile. “So, what you’re saying is I don’t know what I’m getting into?”

“In a good way.” Ryan decided not to comment on the ‘getting into’, but his internal dread wore off a little.

“There’s one more thing.” Geoff said.

“Yes?”

“Even if all of this is true, even if you want to and can care about me… Isn’t that all… really emotional stuff?”

“Sure is.”

“Can you… handle that? It feels like fucking too much for me already, what will it do to you then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Here we go.” Geoff’s eyes watered.

Ryan fixed his gaze on Geoff’s sneakers. “That’s something I’ve been thinking of.”

“Yeah?”

Ryan put his hand in the air, palm upwards. “Hold my hand through this?” He scoffed. Geoff took it. That simple contact sent shivers down his spine _._

“When I was still with my ex, we had a little gang. This night was… deja vuish. He broke up with me and insisted on staying friends, so we did for a couple month. I became a nuisance and noticed it. He and I, our friends and I… had shared some awful moments. I felt like everything around me was contaminated. I rented an apartment, changed my accounts, got a new phone number and left.”

“I thought I wanted to be by myself, but whenever I got drunk, I ended up hanging out with random people. I moved again soon. To my current place.”

“I finally learned how to be alone and it seemed easier. I watched a lot and read a lot. I was a bit proud of my thoughts, of the person I was becoming. But I had a feeling that I could as well not exist. I started worrying about what someone would find left of me if I died during the night. I was thinking thoughts into nothing, coming up with jokes into nothing.”

“I felt calmer, distracted enough with all the internet has to offer. That’s the one way to function I know of. You are showing me something immensely better. That way kind of worked. And yet... why even live like that.”

“Ry!” Ryan turned to him. “Di…ffused”, Geoff was fully crying. _Aah, what is this…_ “Hey, hey…” Ryan pulled him closer.

The whole conversation was weird, the respectful cautious manner of it, the way it was only lacking a couple curtsies to make it completely obnoxious, the way it felt genuine nonetheless.

They sat on the edge of the sidewalk, caught up in an embrace, unable to notice anything around.

A guy was walking by. He saw them from afar and thought they were a guy and a girl, thanks to Ryan’s longish hair. When he came closer, he realized his mistake. The image was touching and the comments died down in his throat. He walked past them. _So, this is the capital._

***

Ryan’s days started with Alexa playing an audiobook for him. He switched to listening to it on his phone when he went for a run. He watched the news before breakfast and assorted lectures during other meals. He tried to never not be pre-occupied.

The speakers of his phone weren’t loud enough for him to make out the words over the sound of running water in the shower.

_You are not as tolerable when I don’t get to shoot you in the face._

He pressed a finger gun to his temple to shoot the image of him awkwardly apologizing away.

_Are we obsessing over that now?_

“Fuck.” Ryan let out.

_Hello to you to. You know, if you put your mind to it, you could actually keep Geoff and get rid of that little bitch._

_You want to keep Geoff?_

_Yeah, whatever floats your boat, buddy._

_Don’t… don’t talk like him._

_Buddy. Buddy. Buddy…_

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut.

_…Buddy. By the way, if Jack is that annoyed with you, imagine how Burnie feels._

_How is this helpful?_

_Well, you fucked him over a lot more, he’s surely pissed off at you, but you don’t give a shit. Why should this be any different? If it’s all about Jack being around, that’s a solvable problem._

Ryan managed to focus on other things throughout the day, but dreaded going to bed.

***

All the cool side of the pillow had to offer were unwanted memories.

_…The apartment he just looked at was disgusting. He never saw a living space like that before._

_Ryan went there right after uni. It was his second week in the city and he had no idea where he was or how to get home. His phone was dead. It was an unusually cold day and he regretted not wearing a jacket._

_When he got on the street, he noticed a bus with a familiar number pulling in at the stop. He ran to it. Just as he put his foot on the step, someone yanked him by the arm and he awkwardly landed on the asphalt, twisting his ankle. He turned and saw a red face of an old man and a mouth that moved in a way that suggested yelling. He took the headphones he was using as earplugs off._

_Yes, he was yelling. And he was drunk. Maybe that was why his words were unrecognizable._

_“I’m sorry, what?”_

_More angry-sounding gibberish and a shove._

_He finally realized there probably was a line and he cut it. They both got pushed further to the side as the rest of the crowd was climbing into the bus._

_“Wha yooah… fucking… bettah…” The man grabbed his sweater._

_Ryan really didn’t want to hit an elderly person._

_Someone walked up from the back of the line and got in between them._

_“Go sleep it off, okay?”_

_“Fuuah…”_

_“Just go, dude.” He turned the man around and helped him get on._

_The bus left. Ryan walked somewhat away from the stop in a haze and lit a cigarette._

_The guy came to stand next to him. “You okay?”_

_“Sure… Thank you.”_

_“Sure-sure?”_

_Ryan nodded. “If you don’t mind… my phone’s discharged, I could use some directions.”_

_“No problem. Where to?”_

_Ryan named the street._

_“Damn, that’s far. And that’s the other way.”_

_“Oh... Could you tell me where the stop I need is?”_

_The guy brought up a map on his phone. Then turned to Ryan. “Actually, you look like you’re freezing. You should take a cab.”_

_“...I can’t afford that at the moment.”_

_“Then it’s on me. Here, put this on while we wait.” He handed Ryan his scarf._

_Ryan might not have been familiar with the bus-line etiquette, but he knew that dance well. “Why don’t you join me? You could use a warm up yourself, it seems.”_

***

_At Ryan’s place, the guy settled in one of the leather chairs. “Moving in?” He asked, pointing out the boxes the room was littered with._

_“Out.”_

_Clearly, Ryan just met the very definition of a nice guy. But he had zero interest in a traditional weeklong exchange of nonsensical texts. Ryan climbed in the chair on top of him and kissed his lips._

_He tentatively responded and then put his arms on Ryan’s shoulders, gently pulling him away. “Hey… I like this, I so do, but could you slow down? By a lot?”_

_Ryan stared at him, not quite certain how to proceed from there._

_“What’s your name?”_

_“James.”_

_“I’m Burnie.”_

***

_Even Ryan didn’t expect his parents’ visit to go so poorly. His father matter-of-factly stated that Ryan was spending the summer working at the company. Ryan said he wouldn’t work for him, ever. He was excluded from the will with a demonstrative lawyer call and completely cut off. The modest amounts of cash he withdrew from his account each month only to pay for his shithole of a place and get by instantly turned into a burden. He entered a stalemate with his father, threatened to be left with no means of livelihood. His mom said she wouldn’t let that happen and his father reminded her that he could block her accounts just as easily. Then there was shouting, tears and threats of divorce._

_It was the end of the month and Ryan couldn’t pay rent for the next one. Burnie offered him to move in, as he did several times before. Ryan didn’t have much of a choice._

***

_“J… J… I didn’t say anything when you started running off to the couch, but I won’t let you sleep on the floor…”_

_The world exploded in pain._

_“Baby…” Burnie hunched down to kiss him. “…Are you drunk?” He smelled the air. “God damn it.” He tried to pull on Ryan’s hands. Ryan’s left sleeve detached from the material on his chest with a crackle. “What the fuck? J!”_

_“Burnie, please, go…” Recollections of that night were rushing into his mind. He got up when Burnie fell asleep. He took a bottle of vodka. He drank it on the dirty steps of the building stairwell. He smashed the bottle on the wall and cut his arm with what was left of it._

_The lights switched on and he curled in on himself, trying to hide._

_“Get up.” Burnie was pulling him by the waist. “Show me what you did. Show me!”_

_“No…”_

_“You’ve acted out enough for the day… enough for the fucking year…” Burnie grabbed his hand and forcefully held it in place. Then started bringing the sleeve up._

_“Burnie!”_

_“Shut up. I’m trying to help you, you idiot…” Burnie uncovered the arm and the bleeding resumed. “Fuck! Fuck, wait here.”_

_As soon as Burnie left, he stood up, made his unsteady way to the bathroom and closed the lock. He had cupped his hand to catch the blood. He separated his fingers to let the puddle pour into the sink._

_“J!” Burnie was hammering on the door._

_“Please, I don’t want this… scene… This is the worst part… please, I’ll be fine…”_

_“Are you a fucking teenager? Open!”_

_“I’m sorry… Just go to bed… And in the morning we’ll pretend this never happened…”_

_The knob was turned from the outside and the door flung open. Burnie got in and sat him down on the edge of the bathtub. “Stay still.” He washed the blood off and poured hydrogen peroxide over the cuts. It was bubbling in the wounds._

_“You’ve outdone yourself this time. We’ll talk in the morning, now I’ll just fix this.”_

_There were neatly applied bandages, clean clothes, hot sweet tea, cool bed sheets and, eventually, oblivion._

***

_He opened his eyes to Burnie sitting in the bed next to him, leaning on the wall._

_“Either you stop or you admit you are ill and get help. That was the deal. You promised you would stop… I was right there. The shit with your family is fucking tragic, but I was right there.”_

_“…I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”_

_Burnie closed his eyes. “You’re out of your mind. Go back to sleep.” Arms wrapped around him in a warm, comforting embrace._

_“Burnie, I’m serious. I love you, but I’m serious.”_

_“Where would you even go…”_

_“I could stay with Josh or Gray… or maybe I’ll get a spot in the dormitory after all.”_

_“You can’t be fucking trusted with decisions… Gray has a girlfriend, she won’t be delighted. Josh is broke… Stay here. Dump me if you want, but stay here, loon…”_

***

_“A sight for sore eyes”, Jack leered._

_Ryan walked past him into the apartment._

_“You’re being rude.”_

_“Whatever.”_

_Jack scoffed at him. “That bothered you enough to answer.”_

_Ryan dropped on the bed._

_“Wine?”_

_“Wine.”_

_“Should I pour it into a juice box?”_

_“Oh, how funny you are.”_

_“Feisty tonight, huh? Keep it going, I’m almost hard.”_

***

_Ryan was tapping the bed, indicating that he was about to pass out._

_Jack let go of his neck. “Good, now you can tell me how much you’re loving this.”_

_“Come on, I know you are.”_

_“Come on!” He slapped Ryan._

_“You come back every time.”_

_“I’m the only one that hates you as much as you hate yourself, bitch.”_

***

_He got out of the cab and looked up. Familiar walls of his building, darkened from the smog. His open window on the second floor. Someone sitting on the bench. Burnie._

_“Where were you all night?”_

_“…How long have you been here?”_

_“Where were you?”_

_“I thought we had an understanding.”_

_Burnie knocked a finger on Ryan’s forehead several times. “Is that how it works in that self-serving noggin of yours?”_

_He pushed the hand away._

_Burnie shook his head. “Fuck you, J. From the bottom of my heart, fuck you.”_

_He looked down._

_“Nothing to say? Then it’s my turn.”_

_He tried to prepare himself, shifting from one foot to another. He put his hands in the pockets._

_Suddenly, Burnie was squeezing him in a hug. “I can’t, J… I thought you could be happy with me, but instead I’m only miserable with you…”_

***

The amount of effort Ryan put into falling asleep at the end of the next day was ridiculous. He forced himself to get up at 6. He cleaned and organized until everything in his apartment was spotless, from his fridge to his browser history. He skipped dinner. Dropped by a drug store to get a new kind of sleeping pills. Then went for another run. When he got home, he opened all windows to let some air in. He jerked off in the shower. It took longer than usual, since he wasn’t in the mood at all. When he got out, the temperature inside was about the same as it was outside.

At 11 pm he took two pills, climbed into his perfectly made bed, covered himself with a heavy blanket and put his head on a pillow, breathing in the fresh air with a hint of laundry softener.

At 3 am he was laying on crumpled sheets, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore his inner voice and considering getting drunk. The pills he took, like the other ones he was able to get without prescription, didn’t do shit. Or maybe they did, because his eyelids were heavy and he felt himself constantly falling asleep and snapping out of it at the last possible moment.

Each day was a challenge, from the one Geoff came by to that one. Ryan pushed through, regardless of how he felt. Not failing in front of Geoff was the strongest motivation he ever had. He would lay in bed for his dedicated 6 hours half-awake, put food he wanted to spit out in his mouth and run, sensing the pain in every unrested muscle. That was the hardest part, but he usually ended up feeling better.

He wanted to hurt himself for the sake of the little endorphin rush that came after that. Cutting was not an option anymore, he knew how long it took the scars to fade. Instead, he would bang his knee on the wall over and over again until it got unbearable. He did that when he was struggling to get back to work and when Geoff decided to take a break from him. He contemplated doing that again. Then he realized he wasn’t alone anymore.

**Ryan: I’m so sorry to bother you, but maybe I could come over?**

**Geoff: Yeah you can. Is something wrong?**

**Ryan: Can’t sleep. Are you sure?**

**Geoff: Absolutely**

**Ryan: I’ll be there in 20**

***

Geoff got up. He was surprised and worried by the messages. Ryan sounded vulnerable. He searched for an appropriate way to make him better.

Geoff opened the door when Ryan texted him he was there, trying not to wake Jack up. Ryan was wearing a jacket over red checkered pajamas. A toothbrush was sticking out of his front pocket and his hair was disheveled. “Aw…” Geoff put some of Ryan’s locks back in place.

In Geoff’s room, they sat on the edge of the bed.

“Did I wake you up?” Ryan whispered.

“Yeah, but it’s okay.” Geoff whispered back. He handed Ryan a mug from the table and took one himself.

“I’m so sorry… You made cocoa?”

“Sure did!”

Ryan smiled. “Don’t mock me.”

“You look cute. Why didn’t you wear your pajamas before?”

Ryan shrugged. The pajamas were a part of his process.

“Do you want to talk? Did something happen?”

“No. I just really need to sleep.”

***

Geoff focused on staying awake for as long as Ryan was. He turned to his side and ran fingers through Ryan’s hair. Ryan shivered and made a cat-like motion with his head. “Ah…” he melted.

“Good night.”

“Geoffy… I am so grateful…” He was shutting down already.

***

Geoff woke up before the alarm went off. He had sex dreams. He was glad his imaginary love life was busy enough not to let him have a wet one. They didn’t cuddle, but Geoff vaguely remembered himself trying to touch Ryan with his hand or leg to maintain some kind of contact during the night. Now Ryan was loosely spooning him.

Ryan’s hand was on his hip and Geoff felt ghost touches on his hard-on. _So close, so fucking close…_ Geoff’s heartbeat fastened, yet he restrained himself from moving. He felt Ryan’s breath on his shoulder. _Don’t do it. Later, okay?_

“Are you up?” Ryan’s fingertips really were touching Geoff now.

“Yes.”

“Are you in a hurry?” Ryan’s hand slid into his boxers.

“No.”

“I want to fuck you.” Ryan moved his fingers gently. “Would you like that?”

Geoff trembled. “Yes.”

“Give me some lube and a condom.”

Geoff opened a drawer in his nightstand and grabbed the items he was asked for.

Ryan dived under the blanket, turned Geoff to his back, pulled his boxers down and tended to what was inside. Geoff moaned. A hand emerged from under the covers to cup his mouth. Soon, Ryan started fingering him and he squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to keep it down.

Ryan turned him to his stomach and climbed over.

“Do you think you’re ready?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll fuck you slowly, tell me if it hurts.”

Ryan pushed inside. Geoff suppressed another moan. He heard a little gasp from Ryan instead.

“Does it feel good?” Ryan sounded like he already knew the answer.

“Yes.”

Ryan started moving in and out.

“Aah… fuck…”

“Hush… Stay quiet.”

Geoff got lost in sensations. He hadn’t seen Ryan’s face that day and that made the situation kinky.

Ryan put his hand on Geoff’s stomach, raising him up. He stroked Geoff as he continued fucking him. Geoff literally bit the pillow.

Ryan hunched to him. “Don’t cum.”

Geoff dropped his head. A couple minutes later his breathing fastened. “Stop, stop…”

Ryan removed his hand and stopped moving. He pulled Geoff to sit on him.

“Fucking Christ…” Geoff tried to wiggle his hips.                                                                                                                       

Ryan held him in place. He was slowly planting kisses on his neck and shoulders. Then he put more lube on his hands and started running them over lightly in a root to head direction.

Geoff felt an orgasm closing in in two different ways. He made a whimpering sound and put hands on Ryan’s thighs, touching his scars.

_No…_

_He didn’t notice, calm your tits. Stay in the mood._

“Ryan, please…”

Ryan felt himself losing erection, pinned Geoff down and fucked him while he could.

Geoff didn’t cum in a single blow, it was a spasmodic long process he whined all the way through, the sound muffled by the sheets.

Ryan pulled out immediately after. Geoff soon turned to him, caught up in the post-orgasm bliss, yet a little worried about the abrupt ending. Ryan had his pants back on already. “Did you?” Geoff asked, reaching to touch him. Ryan looked away.

Geoff moved, planning to do something about that. Ryan frantically got up. “Sorry”, he said so quietly Geoff basically had to read his lips. He left the room.

“F-f-fuck!” Geoff cursed under his breath. “Fuck…” He fell back on the bed.

When he got out of the bedroom, Ryan was nowhere to be found and his jacket and shoes were gone.

**Geoff: Did you go home?**

**Ryan: +**

**Geoff: Are you okay?**

**Ryan: +**

***

Ryan was downstairs. He was in a stupor, unable to get a single word out. Even his inner voice was gone as he dwelled in the embarrassment of being impotent. When he ordered a cab, he wrote ‘silence’ in the special requests field.

At home, he just turned Netflix on.

***

Geoff changed, went to the bathroom and washed his face. He put his hands on both sides of the sink and stared at the water going down the drain.

Everything went from perfect to sad so quickly. The night before he got to help and the feeling of Ryan relaxing in his arms was amazing. He turned into a different person for the moment and that person was happy. Then he made the wrong move and Ryan performed his ‘one step forward two steps back’ routine.

 _Fuck… I didn’t even do anything, it was all him…_ Being abandoned immediately after left him somewhat uneasy himself.

Jack was walking by the bathroom. He frowned when he saw Geoff. “Good morning…”

“Hi.”

“Is Ryan here?”

“Not anymore.”

Jack saw a drop fall from the tip of Geoff’s nose. His crestfallen expression made Jack think that might be a tear. “What’s wrong?” Jack watched Geoff turn and was very relieved to find out that was just water.

“I’m only making him worse.”

Jack could live without hugging shirtless Geoff, but did it anyway. He shook his head. “What are you talking about… you basically dote on him.”

Geoff moved away, brushing Jack’s shoulder. “Coffee?”

Jack nodded and handed him a t-shirt from the drying rack.

***

Geoff put the cezve on the stove and sat at the table across from Jack. “Do you mind if I smoke here?”

Jack barely tolerated Geoff’s drunken kitchen cigarettes, but let him have that one.

“Thank you.” Geoff grabbed the ashtray from the balcony.

“You can talk to me about Ryan, you know.”

“You guys have your own beef.”

“So?”

Geoff glanced at him. “It makes you unfair.”

“If you looked at the whole thing through my eyes you’d have no reason to beat yourself up.”

“Listen, you are standing up to people and that’s great, I’ve been waiting for you to finally do that. Just… please, pick a different fucking target.” Geoff rubbed his head, messing his hair up. “Okay, I need to go to work.” He went to take a shower.

Jack sat there alone, thinking. The coffee boiled over and started burning on the ring.

***

Hours later, Geoff was at the office, trying to concentrate.

**Ryan: I didn’t plan to leave.**

**Geoff: how are you?**

**Ryan: I’m sorry.**

**Geoff: well, the memory is going to be bittersweet**

**Geoff: but anyway**

**Geoff: oh my God, Ry ;)**

**Ryan: will I still see you tonight?**

**Geoff: yeah!**

**Geoff: I have a little something planned. Meet me at the Revolution Square at 6.30?**

**Ryan: what are we doing?**

**Geoff: it’s a surprise**

**Ryan: should I pick you up?**

**Geoff: no, thank you, I’ll take a bus**

***

Geoff was running a bit late. As the bus was closing in, he dialed Ryan’s number. Then he saw Ryan from the window and put the phone away. He got out, walked up to Ryan and kissed him.

“Hi.” Ryan smiled.

Geoff pulled him into a hug and held him tight. “It’s raining, why didn’t you go inside?”

“It’s not really raining.”

“You see that thing?” Geoff pointed at the bus stop. Several people were hiding from the drizzle there. “It has an actual hood. It’s for waiting. Have you ever used public transport?”

“A couple times.”

Geoff led Ryan to an underground mall.

“Where exactly are we going?”

“To grab something to eat and then to the movie theater. They are showing The Aviator, it’s one of your favorites, right?”

“…Right.”

***

Geoff was struggling to get a piece of ginger. “I want a fork.”

“You should try this. Without gari.” Ryan picked up a sushi roll from his own plate, dipped it in soy sauce and held it in front of Geoff’s lips.

“More sauce?” Geoff asked. Ryan shook his head. Geoff opened his mouth and Ryan put the roll on his tongue. Geoff started chewing. “I like mine better”, he mumbled.

Ryan smiled and started putting ginger on Geoff’s sushi with his sticks. “Geoffy, you haven’t seen The Aviator before, have you?”

“No.”

“But you know it’s really not a comedy?”

“Yeah, I read the first paragraph on wiki.”

“Okay.”

***

Geoff got a cup of sweet and salty popcorn, as he usually did. He was putting handfuls of it in during the trailers, but the very first scene of the movie made him stop. Twenty minutes later, he put the cup on the floor for good.

He wasn’t a fan of dramas and blocked them out in a way. Ryan’s perspective added a mesmerizing angle to that one. He felt like he was privy to something important and soon basically forgot where he was. Only when a scene seemed to hit too close to base for Ryan, he remembered he wasn’t alone and glanced at his face.

Howard locked himself in the film room, Katharine came to talk to him and Geoff knew watching that was a mistake. He took Ryan’s hand and it felt cold and clammy. _I’m on fire today._ He checked the time and found out it had been more than two hours, so there couldn’t be much left. He decided to stay.

When Howard was stacking pee bottles on the screen, the guys behind them laughed. Ryan got up and walked out of the theater. Geoff followed him with his stare.

**Geoff: Are you coming back?**

He waited for several minutes, faintly hoping Ryan just went to the bathroom. Ryan didn’t return or respond. Geoff grabbed his stuff and turned around. “Hi.”

“Hi?”

“I fucking hate you. Here, have some popcorn.” Geoff put his cup on the guy’s knees and left, too.

He found Ryan on the mall bench by the theater, hunched down. Two girls were with him, one of them next to Ryan. He saw Ryan flinch when she put a hand on his shoulder.

He sat at the other side. “Ry?”

“Mm.”

“Ladies, I’ve got this.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Yes.”

Ryan jolted his head up and turned to the girl next to him. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.” She smiled.

He looked at the other girl. “Thank you.”

“Nevermind.”

They left. Ryan hunched back down.

They sat there quietly for some time and Ryan got up. “I don’t want to be underground anymore.”

Geoff joined Ryan in what was almost a run to the outside. Geoff pointed at the elevator when they got to it, but Ryan led him to the stairs. When they were finally on the surface, Ryan took a deep breath. Geoff took an embarrassing amount of subsequent ones.

One of the faculty buildings of Ryan’s university was right across the street. “Would you like to see the campus?”

“Will they let us in?”

“There’s no check for student ID. At least there wasn’t three years ago. We can try.”

***

They walked through the vestibule, by the cloakrooms and into the inner yard. They got coffee at a vending machine and Ryan took Geoff to what seemed to be the most secluded corner there was, next to the fence that separated the campus from the rest of the city center. They settled on a dry bench under a tree. Ryan’s head was on Geoff’s lap and they were having a private moment in the middle of everything.

“I’ve walked by at the other side of this fence dozens of times and suddenly there’s a secret area. It’s awesome.”

“Does it make up for me depriving you of the rest of The Aviator?”

Geoff smiled sadly. “Ry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. Why would you say the movie’s your favorite if this is what it does to you?”

“It wasn’t the movie. It’s being three levels underground with a bunch of people in the dark, it’s like a fucking mass grave.”

“But you kept it together for two hours…”

“…Maybe it was the movie, too.”

“And the laughing?”

“And the laughing.”

Geoff stayed silent for a long moment, running his fingers through Ryan’s hair.

“I like it when you do that.”

“You’re sweet.”

Ryan put Geoff’s hand on a bulge in his jeans. “Not really.”

Geoff’s eyebrows went up.

“Do you want to go look for an empty auditorium?” Ryan sat up and guided Geoff into a lascivious kiss.

Geoff pulled away a minute later. “It’s worse now that I know what I’m missing out on…” Ryan’s hand was moving up Geoff’s thigh, but Geoff caught it. “Running out on me three times in one day might be too much.”

Ryan looked into his eyes. “Maybe it’ll be fine.”

“Why? These are the worst circumstances…”

“Because I really want it to be.” Ryan kissed him again.

Geoff kissed back desperately, quickly losing all rational thought.

***

Geoff was laying naked with Ryan’s jacket under him, on two desks they moved to block the door.

“Just fuck me. Ryan, please, just fuck me.” Geoff broke the kiss.

Ryan was standing in front of him with his pants dropped to the ankles. He moved Geoff’s legs to his shoulders and pressed in. They almost fucked in the elevator and then again in the vestibule on the seventh floor. Geoff was so wound up that he got close in minutes.

“I’m about to…”

Ryan grabbed him by the base, holding tight.

Geoff let out an uncontrollable loud noise. “Ah, fuck, why…”

“Did I tell you to do that?”

“You are a jerk…”

“I am.” Ryan leered, though he was mostly just trying to keep Geoff’s clothes clean.

“Fuck you…”

“Shut up.” Ryan concentrated on satisfying himself. His breathing fastened as hot waves rushed through his stomach. He felt the pleasure build up and pique, uninterrupted. When he was done, he pulled out, put the condom in the wrapper and his pants back on.

Geoff stared at him, wide-eyed. “Seriously?” As he was saying that, Ryan sank to his knees. The image of fully dressed Ryan taking it in the mouth skyrocketed to the top of Geoff’s wank bank. Right after, he clenched his fists, staring at Ryan nervously.

Ryan got up. He looked at the wall for a moment, but then offered Geoff a hand, smiling.

***

**Geoff: lovely weather**

**Ryan: go on**

**Geoff: Saturday, me, Gus, Jack, lake, drinks. Are you in?**

**Ryan: I like the general idea, yes**

**Geoff: we usually go by bus, but do you want me to take a cab with you instead?**

**Ryan: no, thank you, I’ll meet you there**

***

Geoff and Jack were standing barefoot in shallow water, jeans tucked up to ankles, holding beers in hands.

“I can feel the sludge resting on my feet… why did we do this again?” Jack asked.

“I told you it was stupid.” Gus commented from the shore.

Geoff laughed. They went back and settled on the sand. As Jack was passing Geoff the pizza box, Geoff got a call and waved him off.

“Hi, Ry!”

“I’m on my way. The location you sent placed you in the lake, so I doubt it was accurate. How do I find you guys?”

“Cross the dam and walk along the shore, we’re not far from there.”

“Sure.”

Geoff put the phone away.

“Was that Ryan?” Gus asked.

“Yeah, he’ll be here soon.”

“Cough up my tenner.” Gus turned to Jack.

“Don’t be so smiley, he didn’t break even.” Jack told Geoff.

Geoff frowned. “I’ll go meet Ry.” He started walking to the dam.

***

“You got delivery on your nature day.”

“Are you complaining?” Geoff asked.

“Nope”, Ryan responded, taking a bite of his pizza slice.

“Geoff says you might be a better cook than he is. You should have a steak-off.” Gus said.

“We should. We’ll even ask you to be a judge, if you promise to work on your manipulation skills.”

Gus laughed. “Missed you at the Warcraft thing. It was shit.”

“Glad you were willing to share that experience with me.”

“I have high tolerance for smug assholes.”

Ryan chuckled. “I wonder why.”

“Hey”, Geoff warned them.

“So why didn’t you join us? I bet Jack 20 bucks that you would and lost.”

“At least you didn’t come up with the idea”, Geoff told Jack quietly.

“Not into movie theatres”, Ryan said after a thoughtful moment.

“You feel strongly about that?”

Geoff tensed.

“Rather strongly.”

“Why?”

“They’re crowded.”

“Okay… So… That’s why you weren’t that excited about the concert and didn’t take the bus with us today. Right?”

“Right.”

Geoff was simultaneously impressed and annoyed with Gus’s sagacity. He didn’t arrive at that conclusion by himself. As Ryan kept turning down his date ideas, he grew worried. Eventually he asked Ryan if he had changed his mind and Ryan explained. Geoff took his hand. They fully kept their pants on around the guys, so that was a noticeable gesture to Gus. “Am I being inappropriate?”

“No, you’re fine.” Ryan sincerely smiled at him.

“Really?”

“You’re light about it and I guess if we are making plans it’s easier when you know.”

Ryan and Gus clinked beer bottles with each other.

“So in general that would be inappropriate?” Gus asked.

“Since you’re so eager to find out, I’ll take you to the next crazy people conference with me. I’m sure you can convince them that you belong.”

***

When it started raining, they all shared a cab to Jack and Geoff’s place. It was a minivan, so Ryan and Geoff had some privacy, sitting in the back.

“Thank you for letting me answer myself.”

“I had a strong urge to intervene”, Geoff admitted.

“I have no idea how you’ve learned to act so flawlessly. You are the smartest person I’ve ever met.” Ryan pressed his lips to Geoff’s cheek tenderly. “Am I going to experience some sort of an immense wisdom boost in the next three years?” Their age difference was actually closer to four.

“If you stay with me, maybe.” Geoff wiped a tear.

Ryan didn’t even chuckle. “I’ve been trying to come up with a way to make that possible.” He launched an app on his phone and handed it to Geoff. Geoff saw a dimmed map of their city with GTA-like markers all over and a play button on top. He reached to press it and Ryan caught his hand. “Not yet.”

“What am I looking at?”

“When you start recording it shows where you are and logs your movements, clearing the fog over the city to display the places you’ve been to. Until you stop.”

“That’s pretty awesome. And the markers?”

“Some usual ones like cafes, theaters and galleries, some custom ones.”

“Custom ones?”

Ryan zoomed the screen, scrolled and pressed on it. “This is your building.” He scrolled further. “This is mine.”

“Are you saying you did this yourself?”

“It’s not an original idea. There’s a ‘fog of the world’ app, it’s rather popular, but the map they had for our area was underwhelming and I wanted some other features, so.”

Geoff shook his head, impressed. “Are you going to publish it?”

“No, it’s just for us. I’ve been thinking… given all the things I can’t do, how do we even go out? Neither of us knows the city inside out, so we could meet, pick a route and start walking, talking, discovering. We won’t always be able to explore what we discover, but we’ll have a cool map.”

Ryan had obviously spent days working on that. Geoff was openly wiping his eyes.

“You approve?” Ryan kissed the top of Geoff’s head.

“Yeah”, Geoff swallowed, “how do I install it,” his voice broke into such a high-pitched yelp that both Gus and Jack turned with amused expressions. Ryan covered Geoff’s face with his hand and gestured them to turn back around, barely holding in the laughter himself.

“You don’t. I’m not asking you to install a location tracking app that I wrote. I’ll just keep it on my phone, turn it on when we go for a walk and share map images with you.”

***

Geoff finished work early and got to Ryan’s early. Ryan didn’t respond to his message or pick up the phone. The intercom rang for its dedicated minute and died down twice.

He didn’t want to get in without permission. Ryan gave him his virtual keys out of necessity, when it was the logical thing to do. Geoff only used them that once. He wasn’t sure he even still had access.

He went to see if Ryan was home. He was walking along the side of the building. Sounds intensified and faded. Kids yelling… drill… hammer… The four windows at the other corner were Ryan’s. Geoff heard music blasting and smiled, no longer worried.

A short orchestral piece was playing over and over again. It was probably a soundtrack, intense, beautiful. Geoff contemplated throwing gravel at Ryan’s window to get his attention, he grew up in a town and never got to do that. Then he heard a violin replicating the theme. Ryan was way better than he led him to believe. Geoff made a turn to the right and walked up the little hill, curious to hear more.

He settled on the grass. He could see inside Ryan’s apartment from there.

His dorky boyfriend was directing an invisible orchestra, eyes closed, listening to the piece again. Then he put his arms behind his head. From time to time, he would take a step to the side or turn, stiff classy dance moves.

Ryan started the next phrase and Geoff realized he wasn’t intentionally bad when he played Paganini, he was just doing it for the first time. Ryan discarded the violin in frustration and went to the synthesizer sitting on the desk. He pressed a couple buttons and listened to his previous recording of some of the other instruments, nodding. Then played the part on top of that. It sounded more plain than the real violin did, but the rhythm and the notes were perfect that time, as far as Geoff could tell. Ryan tried that again, then recorded on top of what he had.

Geoff laid on his back and concentrated on listening.

What he perceived as a whole was pulled to pieces and replicated part by part. Each time Ryan played the track, Geoff tried to separate it in his mind, as Ryan was doing. He never listened to music that way before, never analyzed it, never appreciated the fascinating complexity of it.

Ryan’s recording was eventually completed. To Geoff’s ear, it was almost the original, only limited by the quality of instrument imitation. As he imaged how awesome it would be to be able to do something like that, Ryan started re-recording some of the parts. Geoff scoffed at his perfectionism.

Geoff had no relationship experience, but he could tell that theirs was highly unusual. The walking and talking thing Ryan suggested was what they did most evenings. It was interesting enough by itself, but then one of them would include a reference in a joke or make an observation and they would spiral into a full-blown debate. When Ryan mentioned something Geoff was unfamiliar with, he would google it later, driven by curiosity and competiveness. As it turned out, Ryan did the same thing.

Those talks weren’t emotionless, they shared a lot of very personal opinions. Geoff felt close to him. They knew each other without knowing much about each other. Geoff had good reasons to keep his stories to himself, in many of those he was hardly the good guy, other ones were just too sad.

Yet, there definitely was a distance. And there was no more sex. The chemistry was overwhelming and Geoff wondered why that wasn’t what they did all day every day. But he would rather not do anything at all than have it end the way it did the first time. He was waiting for Ryan to tell him what the problem was. He didn’t let himself get drunk around Ryan or stay the night; that would’ve been too much.

 _God damn it, now I’m hard. I’m in the bushes, spying on him, hard._ Geoff put his palm over his eyes. His phone buzzed.

**Ryan: Sorry, I missed your call. Are you free yet?**

**Geoff: I’ll be there soon**

He got up and took a detour to walk it off.

“The long and winding road… tha-at leads… to your door…” He hummed and chuckled.


	5. Good nature

One night at Ryan’s, Geoff showed him a screenshot of their map that highlighted an area they’ve never been to.

“I have a conspiracy theory. There’s a church here,” he pointed. “I think you were in a cult.”

Ryan smiled stiffly and moved Geoff’s finger. “That’s where my place was.”

“Close to the church.”

***

**Gus: Will you meet me at the pub?**

**Jack: Now?**

**Gus: Yeah**

Jack noticed Gus at their usual spot. “Hey”, he shook Gus’ hand, “what’s up?”

Gus lit a cigarette, which wasn’t something he normally did. “Thanks for showing up.”

“I’m guessing Geoff was unavailable.”

“Yeah…”

“Hard to talk with a dick in your mouth.”

Gus snorted. “Now I feel like he’s here in spirit.”

“So what’s up?”

“Got fucking fired.”

“You? How??”

“It’s a stupid fucking story.”

The waiter brought them a beer and a whiskey. Gus moved the beer to Jack.

“All ears”, Jack took a sip.

“Basically, there was a shortening and I had a lot of weird records in my HR file.”

“Oh… O-o-oh…” Jack recalled Geoff telling him how Gus used to not give a shit and tried to provoke the company to fire him, unsuccessfully.

Gus read his face. “Yeah, it wasn’t that unreasonable.”

***

“Is that where you lived with your ex?”

“We never shared an apartment. I stayed at his for three month, but that was the extent of it.”

“You didn’t get to living together in six years?”

“Did not.”

“In six… years?”

Ryan wanted to encourage him, but couldn’t promise anything.

***

“I didn’t care about that job because I was sure I could do better. Then I focused on other things… Now I’m 28 and I haven’t moved on. I’m being forced to move on.”

“Geoff did, so can you.”

“Yeah, probably… I fucking stayed with the ‘safe’ job, feeling like I was picking them, as lame as they were. As it turns out, I’m not in a position to pick anything.”

“You are.”

“The worst thing is that my anniversary is coming… I was going to propose to Ester. I have a ring and everything. Do I do it now? Do I wait? And if I wait, what exactly am I waiting for?” Gus got up and went to the bathroom.

Jack felt like he didn’t know Gus well enough to even try to answer those questions.

**Jack: You should really fucking be here.**

**Jack: Check your goddamn phone.**

***

Geoff sat on the kitchen table, facing away from Ryan. The pace they were moving at was excruciatingly slow and he had no reason to believe that was ever going to change.

Ryan kissed his shoulder. “You should check your phone, it keeps buzzing.”

Geoff took it from Ryan and unlocked the screen.

“…Oh! S-shit! I have to go.”

***

Gus felt Geoff greeting him with a hug and patted his arm. Geoff went to sit next to Jack at the other side of the booth. “Thank you”, he mouthed to Jack. “How are we doing here?” He looked into Gus’s eyes and Gus seemed to be fully gone. “O-okay. So eat or go home?”

“Home.” Gus mumbled.

“As in to our place or your place?”

“My place.”

“Is Ester there?”

“Ye...”

Geoff turned to Jack. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“I think he’s better off with his future wife than us.”

“You think so too?” Geoff asked Gus.

“Mm…”

“In my experience that’s a yes.” Geoff paid the check, picked Gus up and they went to the door, Jack closely following.

***

Geoff and Jack handed Gus over to Ester. He perked up when he saw her.

They were back in the car, on the way to their apartment.

“Feel good about yourself?” Jack asked.

“I feel good about getting Gus home, yes.”

“You should’ve been there instead of me. I didn’t fucking know what to say.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re never there anymore, for him or for me. You should’ve added an ‘unless I’m dating James fucking Haywood’ clause to all your friendship speeches.”

“Jack, buddy, you’re drunk.”

“Don’t be fucking condescending.”

“Alright! First of all, I hate it when you call him James.”

“And I hate that you went and found the one guy I can’t stand and made him a part of our lives.”

“Here we go. Second of all, why, seriously, why can’t you stand him?” Jack paused. “If it’s because you fucked when you first met, please just tell me. Just tell me. I will be on your side in this. The more you act out the more I think that’s what happened…”

“What?! Why would you think that?”

“Because he said he blacked out and there was a condom missing and everything…”

“Lovely. That’s not what happened, but you’re right, there’s no reason to dislike him.”

Jack saw Geoff lean back in the seat. “Oh thank God… thank God…”

“Of course that’s what you care about."

“Well, I am fucking glad that my partner didn’t have controversially consensual sex with my closest friend.”

“You thought… you thought I took advantage because he was drunk?” Jack’s eyebrows went up.

“God, no.”

“Then what the fuck do you mean?”

“You are the same age, but not really.”

“Oh, he took advantage. You do realize he’s younger? How dumb do you think I am?” Jack shook his head. “So your undying patronizing attitude is not about my age, it’s about me… You know what? Fuck you.”

***

Geoff was pacing around the living room. “I got caught up in a new relationship. It fucking happens, it’s not the end of the world, it’ll be over sooner rather than later…”

“If you are talking about the relationship, you are correct.”

“Fucking stop it, Jack!” Geoff raised his voice.

“Are we yelling now?”

“I don’t know how to deal with you anymore...”

“You want me to get out of your hair?”

“Yes!”

“I can afford to pay the full rent now, you know.”

A pitiful expression passed on Geoff’s face. “I always could.” He left and slammed the door.

***

Jack woke up the next day, hungover as hell. He wasn’t used to that – the ringing in his ears, the stars in his eyes that blurred his vision when he got up, the pain in his muscles he felt as he walked through the empty apartment, the stale taste in his mouth he couldn’t wash off with water… The pulsating worry in his chest, though there might have been a different reason for that.

_I don’t want him to move out, what was I even thinking?_

Breakfast was waiting for him on the stove, next to a dishwashing brush and a note that read ‘for the sand in your vag’.

_I’m not going to get through to him on this, am I? I have to give up… When he faces the possibility of developing full-blown alcoholism, heartbroken, I’ll at least be around._

He started stuffing his face with food. He was hungry, it was probably tasty, but he couldn’t enjoy it.

_So, James… You’ve won, like you always do, without trying, without noticing. I have to be nice to you now. I have to forgive you now, I’m not that great of an actor._

_…“Hey…” He brushed Ryan’s cheek, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I thought I should wake you up while there’s still something to eat.”_

_Ryan opened his eyes and sat up, looking around. He turned to Jack. “Hi?”_

_Jack smiled at him._

_Ryan checked if he was naked under the blanket. Then climbed out and started searching for something._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Have you seen my phone?”_

_“No.”_

_Ryan found it on the floor by the bed, unlocked the screen and bit his lip…_

_…”You’re leaving already?” Jack asked when he saw Ryan putting his shoes on in the hall._

_“Yes.”_

_“Are you taking the subway? Where do you live?”_

_“Um, why?”_

_“I can get ready in ten minutes and go with you.”_

_“Oh, no, thank you, I… I’ll see you at uni.” Ryan smiled briefly._

_When he stood up, Jack pulled him into a hug. Ryan was startled by it, but eventually relaxed and mumbled, “I’m sorry”._

_“It’s okay, uni’s soon enough”, Jack let go._

_Ryan raised an eyebrow at him, but then turned and left…_

_... **Caiti: you are in a good mood. The city’s been treating you better?**_

**_Jack: haha yes, actually_ **

**_Caiti: I’m glad <3_ **

**_Jack: <3_ **

**_Caiti: do tell_ **

**_Jack: I hope you won’t mind…_ **

**_Caiti: a girl, then? ;)_ **

**_Caiti: it’s okay_ **

**_Caiti: either you are writing a novel or you are rewriting a sentence over and over again… seriously, it’s okay :)_ **

**_Jack: it’s a guy_ **

**_Jack: your turn_ **

**_Jack: Caiti?_ **

**_Caiti: I’m writing a novel here_ **

**_Jack: can you release it in chapters?_ **

**_Jack: this is scary_ **

**_Jack: is it still okay?_ **

**_Caiti: when did you realize you were attracted to guys?_ **

**_Jack: I never knew for sure_ **

**_Jack: I don’t know for sure now_ **

**_Jack: it’s all about the person_ **

**_Caiti: you know, I want to take this well, I want to be supportive_ **

**_Caiti: but that’s really hard to do when I’m still wearing the necklace you gave me and wondering if it ever even meant anything…_ **

_…Jack saw Ryan smoking at the parking lot by the faculty building and went to talk to him. “Hey”, he let out, too shy to do or say anything else._

_“Oh, hi, Jack.”_

_“How have you been doing?” Ryan asked to break the silence._

_“Fine.” Jack stood there, hitting the pavement with the nose of his shoe. “Are you… ready for calculus?”_

_“I am. Also, the weather’s great and the political situation is dire.”_

_“I’m awkward, not stupid.”_

_Ryan looked into his eyes. “I know. Sorry.” He pulled another cigarette from the pack and leaned on the back of the bench. “It was nice of you to keep me company the other night. I’m pretty sure I’ve alienated the rest of the audience.”_

_“I don’t think you were in the wrong. There were… some fucked up conversations going on.”_

_“I’m curious to know why you tolerate them.”_

_“You know why. I’ve never had an actual group of friends before and they are not that bad.”_

_“Are they not?”_

_“Not compared to the village people.”_

_Ryan scoffed. “Village people?”_

_Jack didn’t understand. “Yeah, the ones I grew up with.”_

_Ryan frowned, looking at him. “Where are you from, Jack?”_

_“What?”_

_“Where are you from?”_

_Jack told him._

_“Oh, right.” Ryan glanced at his watch. “We should get going if we don’t want to be late.”…_

Jack didn’t feel sorry for his past self, he was angry and embarrassed with how clueless he was. So much so that he couldn’t talk about that to anyone. Even when he was kind of describing the situation to Gus, he failed to mention the making out part or that it took him weeks to get the hint and leave Ryan alone. He was still hung up on what Ryan seemed to genuinely not remember.

_This isn’t working._

He recalled another memory.

_…After their second hang out, he had reasonable doubts that were confirmed when he never got the message he was promised from Ryan._

_They had a programming test the day Ryan finally showed up in class. He was working on the PC next to Jack. Jack turned to him after executing the code and saw Ryan put his head on the keyboard. He brushed Ryan’s shoulder, raising the sleeve of his shirt a little._

_Ryan jumped up and ran a hand over his arm, bringing the sleeve back down. “I’m fine”, he said before Jack could ask. He went to talk to the professor._

_“Is there any way I could do this some other time?”_

_“I didn’t expect you to have any trouble… Are you all right?”_

_“I’m not feeling well.”_

_“Okay… Wednesday?”_

_“Thank you very much.” Ryan left. He returned ten minutes later to get the bag he left behind…_

_This is better._

Jack was laying on the floor of his bedroom, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

It really was hard for him to hate Ryan.

_…He went to the bathroom during a lecture Ryan missed, to find him there, talking to the mirror…_

_…The concert kissing scene ended with Ryan pressing his hands on the guy’s chest, pushing him away…_

_...At the cottage they rented to celebrate graduation, people started cheering for Ryan to do a speech. He climbed on the pool table._

_“Aye! Fight and you may die… Run, and you’ll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… Our freedom!” He yelled, straightening the hand he held the drink in, spilling it on himself._

_Some people laughed. Jack wasn’t among them; he didn’t get the reference or find the spilling thing amusing._

_“Braveheart, come on!” Ryan said. “What did you expect of me?”_

_“Something like that.” Jack heard a guy next to him say._

_A lot more laughter followed. Ryan jumped off the table..._

_God damn it, James, I don’t, I don’t want to deal with you… I don’t want to see everything from your bitter fucking point of view… I'm afraid I might understand it this time..._

***

**Jack: I’m sorry**

**Geoff: we’ll figure it out**

**Jack: I recalled some depressing stuff about James**

**Jack: about Ryan**

**Jack: it’s hard to think of him that way. I guess I’m glad he’s with you now.**

**Geoff: thank you.**

**Geoff: fuck, thank you so much**

**Geoff: I need you**

**Geoff: I feel weird saying this, I’m enjoying my life more than ever and you’re right, I have paid less attention to you**

**Geoff: everything is at stake for me**

**Geoff: I’m shitting my pants nonstop**

**Jack:** **I’ll do what I can**

**Jack: I’ll stop bitching at least**

**Geoff: sounds great, buddy**

***

Geoff and Ryan came through with Gus’s idea of a stake-off. As they cooked, Jack and Gus were semi-seriously browsing through vacations at the kitchen table.

“You know, if you are open to anything, you could start with a prof-orientation test.” Ryan said. “I want to see your lack of people skills quantified.”

“To compare it to yours?” Gus asked.

“I doubt that test would properly illustrate the difference.”

“Try Pottermore.” Jack offered.

Ryan chuckled. “That would be interesting, actually. Can we do that?”

***

Gus turned out to be Slytherin, Ryan Ravenclaw, Geoff and Jack Hufflepuff.

“Here’s your difference. Gus is an asshole, Ryan is a nerd.” Jack commented.

“Seems accurate”, Gus said. “What I love about this is that Geoff is a fucking Hufflepuff.”

“Fuck you.” Geoff turned his phone screen down.

“Are you surprised?” Ryan asked.

“Fuck you!” Geoff told Ryan.

Ryan laughed.

“No, Geoffy, Hufflepuff’s great. No evil wizard ever came from that house”, Jack teased.

“No one fucking interesting did either!”

***

Gus got out of the bathroom and walked to Geoff he saw leaning on the kitchen counter, tapping on his phone.

“Are you seriously taking the test again?” He asked, hovering over Geoff’s shoulder.

“Ah!” Geoff jumped. “Some of the questions are different! It makes sense!”

***

“Hey, Ryan… I’m not angry with you anymore.”

Ryan turned to Jack in surprise. “…Was the steak that good?”

***

**Jack: hi, it’s Jack**

**Ryan: Hi!**

**Jack: what’s your Facebook account? I wanted to send you an invite to our uni group, there’s going to be a meetup**

**Ryan: I don’t have an account**

Jack sent him a screenshot of the thread.

**Jack: I’m planning to go. Will you?**

**Ryan: Sure**

Jack stared at his monitor at home. Ryan cursed, put his phone away and got back to running on the track.

***

Jack met Ryan outside of the restaurant. Jack was in a suit, Ryan in a long-sleeve, black jeans and sneakers. The bouncer let them both in. _I guess dress code is ‘business, unless you’re hot’._ The front of house led them to the table, about ten people already there.

“Jack! Oh, James, is that really you?”

They greeted everyone, Jack with handshakes and kisses, Ryan with a wave, and sat down at the end of the table.

“James, I can’t believe you showed up… How have you been?”

“Fine, what about you?” Ryan mastered.

“You’ll have to do better than that.”

“Haven’t heard from you since graduation.”

“What do you do now?”

Ryan was the center of attention for a while. Jack tried not to get annoyed. As the questions kept coming, he started noticing the nature of that attention. No one gave a shit about Ryan, he was an entertaining conversation piece.

“Are you married?”

“No.”

“You have a girlfriend?”

“A boyfriend.”

Jack nearly choked over the fries. His reaction didn’t stand out, though he was surprised for different reasons.

“A boyfriend!”

“Wow.”

“Never would’ve guessed.”

It didn’t get awkward immediately, but it did in another ten minutes. Jack couldn’t tell if that was because of what Ryan said or just because he answered stiffly and was clearly uncomfortable.

An hour in, no one talked to Ryan anymore. Jack was reconnecting with his old friends, glancing at him from time to time, wondering if he should try to include him. But Ryan seemed way more relaxed when he was just listening.

“Jack!” A girl joined them and ruffled Jack’s hair right away.

“Hi, Cheryl!” Jack stood up and hugged her.

“Oh, you are so handsome… Hi, everybody!” She sat down next to Ryan. “James??”

“Hello.”

“Did not expect to see you tonight. Would’ve dressed up more.”

“You look very nice as it is.”

“We’ll get back to that. Trade places with me? I have a ton of confidential information to pull from Jack.”

“Sure”, Ryan picked up the napkin from his knees.

“You don’t have to trade places for that.” Jack smiled. He felt responsible for Ryan and was more comfortable with Ryan right next to him.

“Oh, are you guys friends now?”

“We are.”

***

Jack and Cheryl caught up and she switched to flirting with Ryan. When Jack got to observe that first-hand, he realized she was mistaking pleasantness for genuine interest. A girl walked up to Cheryl and whispered something to her. Cheryl excused herself. When she got back, Jack overheard her saying ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know’ to Ryan. A slow song started playing and she offered Ryan to dance. She returned alone.

“Where did you lose James?”

“He got a nosebleed.”

“Anime hard-on? Not that gay after all!”

She sat down and turned to Jack. “I swear I didn’t touch him inappropriately this time”, she put her hands in the air. “Maybe you should check on him?”

***

Jack found Ryan in the bathroom, stuffing paper towels up his nostrils. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. This happens now from time to time. But I think I’ll go.”

“…Why did you come in the first place?”

“You had to invite me and I had to agree. It was a social finger trap.” He grabbed his wallet and handed Jack some cash. “Could you pay for me? I don’t want to go back there.”

***

Jack went to the terrace with a couple of his smoking friends and saw Ryan on a bench outside. He felt bad enough already, so when he got another chance to leave with Ryan, he did.

***

“You are actually not supposed to tilt your head.” Jack said, coming closer. He took his jacket off, folded it and put it on the back of the bench under Ryan’s head, bringing it up to a horizontal position.

“…Thank you.”

“Do you want me to call Geoff?”

“I’m close enough to being a sick pet as it is…” Ryan let out. “Sorry… I meant no, thank you.”

“Then I’ll take you home, at least.”

“You must really fucking love Geoff.”

Jack sighed. “This comes more naturally to me than what I was trying to do before.”

***

When the bleeding stopped, Ryan ordered a cab. Jack realized they were running out of one on one time. As Ryan was brushing the jacket with his hand, Jack started talking. “When they asked you about a girlfriend and you… corrected. How… how did you just do that?”

“It would’ve been shitty of me not to. Considering how important being open is to Geoff.”

“I don’t think it would’ve been shitty. It’s your decision.”

“It is. And when I made it I took into consideration the fact that I’m creating another reason for my partner to either be or not be with me. But if anybody asks, I did it for myself and it was liberating.”

“So it’s not important to you?”

“Not really.”

“Have you told your family? Do they know?”

“I haven’t and I would be surprised if they did.”

“How do you think they would feel?”

“Like it explains me.” Ryan handed him the jacket. “Our cab’s here.”

***

“Sorry for prying so much.” Jack told Ryan in the car.

“Jack… if you want some advice, I’m at your disposal. Though I don’t know why you would turn to me when you live with the real expert.”

“The expert”, Jack glanced at the driver, “…published his first paper so long ago he can’t relate to the anxiety anymore.”

“I’m not sure I can either. The issue is lost among other ones for me. I’m not even thinking about publications.”

“Okay.”

“But we can talk.”

_Tonight?_

“You have my number.”

“Okay.” Jack turned to the window and just watched the buildings pass by.

***

“Geoffy, do you have a driver’s license?”

“For a paddle boat?” Geoff asked Ryan, pedaling one next to him, floating down the river in a park in the outskirts of the city. That was one of their more ridiculous explorations.

Ryan chuckled. “For a car.”

“I do, why?”

“You are going ahead of schedule on your tasks. There will be a pause soon, while the tech specs of the next contract are awaiting approval. If you don’t mind taking an unpaid leave, we could rent a car and a lake house in the country. Jack and Gus could join us for the weekend.”

“That sounds fucking awesome.”

“I’ve looked up several options, I’ll send you the links.”

Geoff shook his head. “Gus and I talked about doing something like that for years and neither of us took the time to actually organize the thing. You start organizing before you even suggest… Is that professional deformation? Research phase in real life?”

“Might be, I’m not sure. I’m just trying to mean what I say.”

Geoff smiled.

“Do you think it’s awkward that Jack and Gus will have to take the train one way unless they rent a car of their own? I wanted some time alone with you, but we could do just the weekend. And in general… I know you can easily afford to split the price with me, but do you think Gus is trying to save money? Should we offer to pay for everything ourselves?”

“Oh, we so should. And you should be the one to tell Gus that. I want to know if he says ‘no, thank you’ or ‘fuck off’. It’s a friendship test.”

“’Fuck off’ being the preferable answer?”

“Yeah.”

“I see your point”, Ryan smiled, yet made a note to exclude a couple more expensive options.

Geoff tried to lean to Ryan, then to stand up, then to shift to him.

“What are you doing?” Ryan arched an eyebrow.

“I wanted to hug you, but this thing is stupid as dicks!” Geoff gave up and got back to pedaling. “Anyway, the suggestion is lovely and so are you.”

***

The process of picking the house and negotiating the dates and travelling arrangements was informative in ways. Geoff found out that Ryan had a license as well, but didn’t trust himself to drive, and that he thought both ten and seven days would be too long. As they considered a house that had all the beds in one room, Gus decided that Geoff and Ryan either still hadn’t figured out their sex life or were just savages. When Gus got a job interview on Friday and asked Jack to take the train with him rather than the car with the guys on Thursday, Jack was pleasantly surprised.

***

They were far from the city already, Geoff behind the wheel, Ryan in the passenger seat with his feet on the front panel, chewing on a twizzler. The car sped across the terrain. Geoff saw a familiar turn closing in.

“Oh yeah.” He started lowering speed. “Love this place.”

“What is it?”

“Just wait.”

He drove on a bridge that separated two parts of a gigantic water reservoir. Ryan sat upright. Geoff opened all windows. Ryan turned his head left and right as fresh cool air rushed in, ruffling his hair.

“Such a large open space… Haven’t seen the horizon this far in a while… Can you go a little slower?”

The road was empty, so Geoff dropped the speed more.

After they crossed the bridge, Ryan sighed with an amazed expression.

“Might be even prettier on the way back, it’ll be brighter.” Geoff brought the windows up, shivering a little.

“Are you cold?”

“I’ll warm up in a minute.”

“I’m… happy”, Ryan said, looking straight ahead.

Geoff turned to him, heart swelling in his chest to the point where he couldn’t breathe.

“Geoff!” Ryan grabbed the wheel.

Geoff looked at the road and saw a small animal upfront. He tried to steer to the side, but Ryan kept him from it, firmly holding the wheel. They heard a thud and the brakes screeching and eventually stopped further down the road.

Geoff put his face in hands.

“It’s okay…” Ryan gently brushed his arm. “But we need to park.”

Geoff moved the car, turned off the engine and they got out. He leaned on the trunk cover and lit a cigarette, glancing at a dark spot on the road, wincing. Ryan walked up to him.

“I’ll go look in a moment.” Geoff said, pulling the cigarette from his mouth with a shaky hand.

“Don’t, I will.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

“I think it was a bunny…”

“A hare”, Ryan corrected. “Do I go check on it now or do you need me here?”

“Please… check on it.”

Geoff watched Ryan walk there, examine the scene, illuminating the ground with his phone, yet blocking the view. Ryan returned.

“Well, it was a hare.”

“Is it dead?”

“No, but its spine is broken.”

“How do you know?”

“Front legs moving a lot, back legs not at all.”

“Oh my God… s-s-shit… a-ah…” Geoff grimaced and made sounds. “That’s basically the worst case scenario, isn’t it?”

“Worst case scenario would be that happening to you and me after an evasive maneuver.”

“I haven’t even thought about that…” Geoff took a breath. “So what do we do now?”

“I’ll go kill it and drop it further in the forest so a wolf can have a meal.”

“And how are you planning to… do that… first part?”

“I’ll suffocate it in a bag.”

“Jesus, Ryan!”

“I don’t have better ideas.”

“F-fuck… Okay.”

Ryan opened the trunk and tore four trash bags from a roll.

“Why so many?”

“Gloves and two layers of a murder weapon to ensure there are no holes.” Ryan tore another one. “Three layers.” He glanced at Geoff to determine if he could ask for help with the flashlight. Geoff was sniffling, so he decided to put the phone in his mouth. “This happens, it’s okay.” _Also, his signature dish is a steak. “_ I’ll be right back.”

Geoff opened the passenger door and settled on the seat sideways. He felt really down, just physically down after an adrenaline rush, deeply uncomfortable with what happened, scared of what could’ve, upset that such a perfect moment was destroyed and a bit confused by Ryan’s behavior.

Ryan got in the driver’s seat. “We’re done. Give me the keys?”

“You’re going to drive?”

“Yes, it’s fine. I’m the safer choice at the moment.”

They stayed silent for a couple minutes after getting back on the road.

“Thank you”, Geoff eventually said. “For staying rational and for taking care of everything…”

“You are welcome.”

“Also, you’re kind of scary. I mean, it’s one thing when you do it in videogames.”

“I bet you wish your friends were here now.” Ryan wiggled his eyebrows.

Geoff chuckled nervously. “Don’t, I’m already freaked out. And aren’t they your friends too?”

“Sure are, but ‘I bet you wish our friends were here now’ is not a phrase.”

Geoff relaxed a little.

***

Geoff saw a sign reflecting the headlights.

“That’s us”, Ryan said.

A bumpy road led them through a forest. It was completely dark outside. Geoff noticed a treeless patch. “Is that… is that a cemetery?”

“I think so.”

They drove by what seemed to be an old farm with a single light at the gate and a half-collapsed water tower next to it. Then they got to the village and it didn’t look that great either. Some houses were lit, some were abandoned. As they were getting closer to the lake, the picture drastically changed. Fifty year old houses turned into new cottages, wooden fences covered with chipped paint into neat brick ones. The place they rented was at the very end.

Geoff opened the gate and Ryan parked the car at a lot inside. Geoff took Ryan’s hand and they went exploring. The owner didn’t pull down the old house, just built a cottage nearby. A path lead to the lake. Along the way they found a draw-well, a gazebo and a place for a fire with four benches around. On the shore, there was a tiny dock with a wooden boat chained to it.

***

The new house had a modern kitchen and bathroom and it was nice, but Geoff was more interested in the old one. He didn’t know how any of the stuff there worked, from the stove connected to a gas container, to a traditional oven, to a wash-stand consisting of a water tank, a sink and a basin. To his surprise, Ryan seemed to be familiar with those things.

Ryan was showing him how to use a draw-well.

“Okay, I have to ask. Is your family rich or not?”

Ryan glanced at him, pouring the water from one bucket into another.

“I mean… it really shows. But then, how do you know this stuff?”

Ryan straightened up, staying silent.

“Ry, I hope you know I have zero… financial interest.”

“If you did, I would be the wrong person to pursue. Not coming back after uni cost me my inheritance.”

“Oh.”

“Grandpa had a house just like this one. I spent a summer there once. Then father started insisting on him moving to the city, living properly. He declined. I never saw him again. He died soon, the place was sold. They are doing well, but it’s a first generation thing, especially on father’s side.”

Geoff nodded.

“I was fond of that place, I got to be a kid there. I used to think I’d buy it some day.”

“You changed your mind?”

“Yes. Now I want to leave it all behind.”

“Why did you say ‘got to be a kid’?”

“…Mom put a lot of effort into my education. Which I’m grateful for, of course.”

Geoff waited for him to tell more. He didn’t.

***

In Ryan’s dream, he was streaming a side-scrolling puzzle game. He explored the forest, the cemetery, the abandoned farm. He kept doing something wrong and the chat booed him. Cute little creatures were jumping on him and he had to fight them off.

He knew there was a sex scene easter egg and he was looking for it, hoping that would make the booing stop.

He met a fairy in the forest, he collected flowers for her and they kissed. A take clothes off option appeared. He pressed on it. His character unbuttoned the shirt. He selected the option again and the character started pulling the sleeves off along with the skin. He felt sharp pain in his left arm and shot out of the limbo state he was in.

“Hey", Geoff smiled at him. He watched Ryan's expression quickly go from relaxed to panicked. "Hey?"

Ryan let out a loud gasp and sat up.

"Ry?"

The gasps were getting shorter and shorter up to the point where they started to sound violent.

"Stop!" Geoff grabbed Ryan's hands. "It's just me... Sweetie, it's just me, I'm not doing anything... It's fine, everything is fine..." Ryan's lips were getting a hint of blue. "Look at me. Breathe with me." Geoff took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Ryan's swimming gaze fixated on him.

"Breathe with me." Geoff repeated the exercise and Ryan tried to mimic it, unsuccessfully.

"Breathe with me."

Geoff did that over and over again. Sometimes Ryan managed to follow him, sometimes not. At least Geoff did a good job at soothing himself. The episode probably didn’t last long, but seemed neverending. Ryan dropped on the pillow afterwards. Geoff laid down next to him, artificially calm. He was still holding Ryan’s hands.

Ryan glanced at himself and noticed that his pajamas top was unbuttoned. “…did I do that?”

“Yes?”

“I was sleeping… Wasn’t I?”

Geoff’s eyes widened. “You kissed me…”

“I… Am I sleeping now?”

Geoff cupped his cheek. “What day is it?”

“Thursday… oh, now Friday…”

“Your eyes were closed. You’re not sleeping anymore, this is real.” Geoff pulled him closer.

Ryan had a weird sensation, he was floating in the air and his body was swelling, turning him into a marshmallow man and then shrinking all the way to the bones. “…please say something”, Ryan searched for a distraction.

“Alright... Once upon a time, there was a guy. He liked surfing, so he did it every day. Because he could, he lived in a hut on an island. And by hut I mean a cool villa. It had huge windows, great view. And it cleaned itself, was always spotless. He would mess it up and leave, but when he opened the door all the stuff just flew back to place, like in Harry Potter.”

Ryan chuckled weakly. “What?”

“Yeah, a magical villa hut. One of the rooms had screens for walls. And ceiling, and floor. He could come in there and surround himself with whatever he wanted.”

“Wouldn’t he… damage the floor screen if he came in?”

“All the screens were covered with protective glass. Plexiglas.”

“Plexiglas is not glass.”

“But it would work better, right?”

“It’s… more durable?”

“Plexiglas it is.”

Ryan moved his head to Geoff’s shoulder.

“At the center of the island was a secret bunker covered with a hatch.”

“He… had to go there and type in 4815… 1623… 42…”

 _You remember that?_ “No, he never had to go there. But when he wanted to, there was a teleportation device waiting for him. He could go anywhere and then just wish it and get back.”

“Just wish it?”

“Yeah. If he changed his mind, he could always teleport again. Was a little telling though, for the people around…” Geoff kissed Ryan’s temple.

Ryan felt himself float back down to the bed.

Geoff started talking to him about work-related stuff, asking for advice. That was giving Ryan a focus point, restructuring his mind. He eventually found his usual self in the surreal chaos going on in his head.

“I think I’m fully here.”

“That’s good.”

“…There’s something I need to show you.”

“Sweetie, maybe not now?”

Ryan sat up and took off his pajamas.

Geoff looked at him, confused, then noticed his left arm.

It was a mess. Faint white scars covered the inner side of it, dozens of them, no space untouched from the wrist almost to the armpit. Mixed in with the thin scars were several wider ones, some of them not healed properly, bulky and pink. They looked old though.

Geoff couldn’t stop staring at the two that went along the arm as if they were supposed to make irreparable damage. He reached to touch, but Ryan pressed the arm to his chest.

“Were you… trying to…” Geoff whispered.

“No. I just… wasn’t careful.”

“Is there more?”

Ryan pulled the side of his pants down for a second to show his right thigh. “That’s all.”

Geoff closed his eyes.

“I’m an idiot. Why did I pick this moment? You can’t leave.” Ryan rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry. I swear it wasn’t intentional, it just felt like now or never, I’m sorry… That’s why I’m not allowed to be impulsive. I’m sorry. I’ll hitchhike to the train, say one word…” All of that was spilling out of him lightning speed. “Do you want…”

“No, no, Ry… Hush…”

Ryan zipped.

 _I could’ve guessed… All the long sleeves… never saw him naked… Fuck, there’s so much…_ Geoff wrapped him in a blanket and put his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. “It’s impressive that you’ve stopped.”

Ryan was startled. He expected some kind of a beating.

“Don’t be embarrassed. Tell me if you ever want to do it again. Just message me… what’s today, the 20th?”

“The 21st.”

“Just message me that number and I will know.”

He felt Ryan silently sobbing in his arms.

***

Ryan went for a walk alone. Geoff didn’t want him out of his embrace and definitely didn’t want him out of his sight, but that wasn’t his decision. He sat on the porch of the new house and smoked.

_My manly beloved is actually really fucking fragile._

_That’s okay, I am not._

***

Ryan was gone for more than an hour. When he returned, he sat down next to Geoff, who spent the whole time on the stairs, only leaving his post to get a drink once.

“How are you?” Geoff asked.

“Depends on your reaction.”

“My reaction… What do you expect me to do? Tell you to leave? Text you ‘Ry it’s not gonna work out, oopsy daisy’? Are you for real?” He curled in on himself. “I’m just sorry that you were so miserable for so long…”

“Are you disappointed in me yet?”

“No.” Geoff simply said.

“That means a lot. Thank you.” Ryan’s voice betrayed him with a tremble.

“Ry… It’s not too late to cancel. To tell Gus and Jack not to come. To go home, if you want. I’ll sober up soon.”

“I was hoping the day was not entirely ruined. We can still turn it around, right?”

“Yeah we can”, Geoff smiled. “Just ten more minutes of serious talk…?”

Ryan nodded reluctantly.

“Do you sleepwalk?”

“Had a couple incidents when I was a teenager.”

“And lately?”

“How would I know?”

“Good point. Okay… was that a panic attack?”

“I don’t know.”

“It was the first time?”

Ryan shook his head after a pause.

“You didn’t look it up?”

Ryan stayed silent.

“You, of all people, didn’t do the research? To figure out what was happening to you?”

Ryan didn’t answer again and Geoff knew that conversation was over.

That was what Ryan defaulted to when someone overstepped his boundaries – became completely non-responsive. It was infuriating, more so than any kind of retaliation would be. Ryan suddenly refused to help his opponent understand him and broke the social contract. Geoff was disheartened. Ryan was still keeping him at arm’s length.

***

Jack was stacking wooden planks to make a fire. The precarious square tower he built was tilting to one side and eventually collapsed.

“Let me help”, Ryan got up.

“Can I have one thing?” Jack exclaimed.

Ryan raised his hands in the air and backed away, smiling.

Jack laughed. He and Gus got sufficiently buzzed on the train and hadn’t stopped since.

His second attempt was successful. Geoff started ripping pages from old magazines they found by the firewood stack and handing them to Jack to stuff the middle.

“What he really thinks of your body…”

“Say it in emoji…”

“Glazed donut. Gently stick his penis through the hole, then nibble around it…”

“Deep freeze your undies…”

“Now you are just making shit up”, Gus said.

Geoff handed him the rest of the magazine and picked another one.

“Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive…”

“81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking…”

Ryan and Gus lost it. Geoff raised an eyebrow at Ryan.

“Okay, this should be enough. Lighter?” Jack asked.

Geoff gave him one and sat down next to Ryan.

“I like how you’ve been dating for what, three month? And you still leave space for Jesus.” Gus pointed out the gap Geoff left between them.

Ryan climbed on Geoff’s lap and kissed him on the lips. “I think we have permission now, baby.”

“Thank you for that”, Jack told Gus.

***

The wood turned to coal. “Time to get the meat”, Jack said.

“Would you?” Geoff asked. Ryan moved his ass to the bench, but he was still kind of on Geoff’s lap and Geoff found that highly amusing.

***

“So, ten years later, this actually happened.” Gus put away the skewer and grinned at Geoff.

“Cheers, buddy”, Geoff grinned back and downed his beer.

“Ry, thanks.”

Ryan smiled.

“Jack, you’re great too.”

“How drunk are you exactly?” Jack chuckled.

Gus laid down on his bench and stared at the stars. “I’m drunk with good feelings. Never went camping before.”

“How is this camping?” Ryan asked.

“How is it not? There’s a fire and my food was on a stick.”

“Fair enough.”

“Truth or dare?”

“You’re so gonna barf”, Geoff said.

“Never have I ever then. Come on! I’m serious.”

“Okay”, Geoff scoffed. “You won’t get to drink much.”

“Never have I ever slept with a guy.” Gus turned his head to watch Geoff and Ryan drink. Then he saw Jack hesitantly take a sip too. “What??”

“Yeah… I’m... I’m gay.”

Gus glanced at Geoff, trying to determine how big of a revelation that was. Neither he nor Ryan looked too surprised. “Guess I’m the only one who didn’t know… That’s good… Annoying, but good…”

“Are you okay?” Ryan asked.

“Actually… yeah.” Jack smiled. “Sorry I didn’t tell you, Gus.”

“Eh, you did now.”

“Never have I ever slept with a girl”, Geoff said, drawing attention to himself to give Jack a moment to breathe.

Everybody but him took a sip.

“Et tu, Brute?” He asked Ryan.

Ryan chuckled. “Never have I ever pissed in a hotel elevator.”

Geoff drank while Gus was laughing. “Can’t believe you told him!”

“Hotel? Why?” Jack asked.

“I thought it would be funny if the door opened and someone saw me.”

“You need medical attention.”

“Your turn.”

“Never have I ever played this game before.”

No one drank.

***

Geoff ended that when Gus and Jack discovered the gold mine theme of drugs and kinky sex, making him and Ryan take a sip every time.

Gus sobered up and was full of energy again. He offered to exchange the last words, saying his would be 'I tripled myself'. Geoff shut that down too and offered three wishes, as a less fucked up of a thing. They started with Ryan, Geoff trusted him to keep it light.

"One- to be in a band for a couple years, go on a tour. Perform."

"Really? You want to be on stage?" Gus asked.

"I think that could be really uplifting."

"That's so... uncharacteristic." Gus said.

"That's why it's a wish", Ryan smiled. "Two- to swim across La Manche."

"A long swim", Geoff said.

"Is that the English Channel?" Jack asked. Geoff nodded.

"Three- to travel through time and work at a secret science institute in Soviet Union."

"Alright, don't even know how to react to that... Jack?" Gus asked.

"To be able to draw."

"Everyone is able to draw in the copying reality way. You just need to see lines instead of symbols, concentrate on your right-hemisphere perception." Ryan commented.

"Does that mean you can draw?" Geoff asked.

"Somewhat."

"You're annoying", Geoff smooched Ryan's cheek.

"You're both annoying", Gus added. "Next?"

"To have been born in the capital."

"Someone hug him."

Geoff blew a kiss to Jack.

“Why?” Ryan asked.

“…The problem that the three of us have… I mean, it’s worse where I’m from.”

“It’s not a fucking problem.” Geoff narrowed his eyes.

“Doesn’t have to be, but is. Here and now, is.”

“That’s not the only reason?” Ryan steered the conversation clear from that.

“No.”

“If you don’t want to go into the details, there’s no need to, but I sure would like to know what you find so desirable about living in a big city.”

“I guess you'd have no idea… It’s even fancier where you’re from, or so I’ve heard. Uni must’ve been a step down for you… When I first met you, Ry, you were pretty much an alien, manners, clothes, the way you talk... That probably comes from money, not just location. Maybe I wish I had that growing up as well, to be honest.”

“Oh… Was that”, Ryan stumbled, “an issue?”

“No, it was never like bad. Not enough to travel and stuff, but alright. It’s just… my world used to be very small. Barely any people to choose friends from. And a bleak future, because there’s nothing there besides doing a shitty job at your shitty job and spending the rest of the time drinking yourself to death. Internet really saved my ass.”

“Yeah it did, buddy. You turned out great.” Geoff told him.

Jack nodded, smiling.

“If it worked out, why do you still wish all was different?” Ryan asked quietly.

“It’s just… Not the coolest of life stories.”

“How is being a self-made man not… cool?”

“Ryan just said ‘cool’ like a grandpa”, Gus noted to Geoff.

“I don’t want people to see me that way… to know… that I don’t belong.”

“If someone thinks so, fuck ‘em. That’s how you can quickly figure out who not to talk to. You’re half-proud, half-embarrassed, but there’s no reason to be embarrassed. Please let go of that. That kind of desire to prove the others wrong can push a person too far.” Geoff was watching Ryan’s face attentively, wondering if he was talking about his father. “Meanwhile… Jack, trust me, no way to tell you weren’t born in the capital.”

Jack and Ryan shared a look. “You are… kind of ruining this wish for me”, Jack smiled.

“Sorry.”

“But thank you”, he mouthed.

“Deep. Next?” Gus urged them to move on.

Jack staggered. "...To experience my first kiss with a guy again."

***

An hour later, Geoff and Ryan were left alone for the moment.

"What do you think the chances are that Jack meant you?" Geoff was brushing Ryan's knee thoughtfully.

Ryan knew what Geoff was talking about. "Fifty percent." He saw Gus and Jack walking back from the house. Jack accidently made eye contact with him and awkwardly looked away. "Seventy percent."

"You should do it. Kiss him." Geoff grinned.

"Are you serious?"

“Yeah, how often can you make something like that happen.”

“…Are you sure?”

“I really want you guys to mend things. So, as long as it’s fine with you…”

“…Okay.” Ryan slowly stood up.

“Just… behave yourself.” Geoff caught his sleeve.

Ryan nodded.

When Gus and Jack came closer, Gus settled on the bench, but Jack was led away by Ryan. "What's up?" He asked.

"I'm about to make a fool of myself." Ryan put one hand on Jack's face and another on his waist. "Anyway, here goes nothing.” He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to Jack's lips. Jack froze at first, then relaxed and replied, letting Ryan hold him. That got a bit heated and they both pulled away, chuckling, pressing their foreheads together.

Ryan kissed Jack's cheek. "Did I misunderstand your wish?"

"No", Jack sighed.

"I was an ignorant asshole, I'm so sorry."

"So was I."

"How?"

"Not then, later."

Ryan hugged him. "Turns out, you're my oldest friend." He pecked Jack on the lips one more time and they got back to the fire.

***

Ryan was intently staring at the screen of his laptop. He took another sip of coffee and put the mug on the table. Geoff walked up and started squeezing himself into the tiniest of spaces left between Ryan and the couch arm, though the whole other side was perfectly available. Ryan shifted with a smirk.

Geoff switched the TV on.

“You’ll wake up the kids.”

Geoff chuckled and brought down the volume.

“No, please do. We have a great day ahead of us.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“There’s this peat lake deep in the woods 30 kilometers to the west. The water is supposed to be black. I’m evaluating the condition of the road now.” Ryan put a pin on the point he’d checked the road to and scrolled the satellite image to the left. “Look, it’s perfectly round.”

“Uh huh… Nice. I hope Gus won’t be too bitchy.”

“Why would he be? Food and assorted beverages are included. All he has to do is get in the car and then on the boat.”

“Boat?”

“Two rubber ones are in the trunk. Packed lunch is in the fridge. I’ll drive, I’ll inflate, I’ll row. Also, I will spray everyone with that”, he pointed at the can of tick repellant sitting on the table.

By the time Geoff got downstairs, Ryan had already cleaned leftover dishes and made breakfast. Apparently, that wasn’t all. Geoff stroked his hair, endeared with the enthusiasm. “Someone had a busy morning. You should’ve asked me to help, sweetie.”

“It was no trouble. I’m loving this.” He grinned at Geoff.

***

They dropped the guys off at the train station.

They were in the old house, listening to Sinatra, making out under a blanket, since the fireplace wasn’t warming the room enough.

Ryan seemed so unrestrained that Geoff had to check if he was awake. Ryan looked into his eyes and smiled. That smile took Geoff to the morning after he and Jack stayed the night for the first time. Devoid of any tension, unprotected and sweet, so unlike the usual Ryan and yet so telling. He got back to kissing him, relieved.

It felt like constantly falling down, like dying.

Ryan pulled on Geoff’s t-shirt. Geoff took it off and threw it on the floor.

When they got naked, Ryan snapped into consciousness and tried to climb over.

“Ry, don’t…”

“Huh?”

“Don’t… distance yourself and take control… it… feels fake… right now...”

“Okay…” Ryan said, laying back down hesitantly.

“Do you trust me? Do you want this?”

“…Yes.”

Geoff scooched lower. He licked Ryan and looked up. “Is this okay?”

Ryan would rather just be fucked. He knew people found him attractive and usually put on a smug playful persona. In reality, he felt undeserving of the intimate attention Geoff was offering and uncomfortable with any kind of sexual activity that focused on him rather than his partner.

“Sure…”

Geoff knew what he was doing and white hot arousal eventually absorbed all other thoughts.

They went further into unexplored territory, Geoff as careful and gentle as humanly possible.

The feeling he had developing got so intense his fingers twitched when he touched Ryan’s face.

***

They sat at the edge of the dock, feet just above the water, plastered to each other.

“There’s a beach on the other shore”, Ryan said.

“Yeah?”

“Can we go there? Swim a little?”

“It’s cold.”

“I know, but… I used to love swimming and it’s been a long time.”

“Oh… Of course. We’ll bring a thermos of hot tea or something. Looks like it’s going to rain, though. Tomorrow?”

It was the end of September. Green vegetation contrasted grey cloudy sky.

“Sure.” Ryan lifted up the collar of Geoff’s jacket to protect him from the wind and took another look at the scenery. “My favorite weather.”

“It’s fucking beautiful. So beautiful it doesn’t even look real.” Geoff swallowed. “You know, I don’t think I will ever forget this day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frank Sinatra - Close To You


	6. Friends and family

Ryan was at Geoff’s desk in the office, waiting to be asked on a meeting. Colorful lights blinked on a plastic Christmas tree in the center of the room. Everyone besides the management had already left.

He went through the drawers, trying to pass the time. The second one had a stack of paper and a pencil in it. Ryan took a sheet, drew a naked lady with enormous boobs and put it all back along with a tissue box he found sitting on the windowsill. He smirked to himself as he imagined Geoff opening that drawer in front of someone.

Matt came in. “Hi, James…”

“Hi!”

Matt casually glanced in his direction and froze. Ryan realized he probably looked oddly chirpy and toned down the smile. It was too late: Matt moved to his own desk carefully, hugging the wall, observing Ryan like a natural phenomenon. “We’ll go in ten minutes,” he murmured.

“Sure.”

***       

They were walking up the stairs. “You’ll be offered a significant raise if you come back full-time.” Matt said.

“I see.”

Matt stopped at the next floor. “There’s a ton of work, but,” he got awkwardly serious, “you know, you look a lot better. So do what’s right for you, James, I understand.”

“…Thank you.”

_He should mind his own business._

***

“Our previous arrangement stays standing then.” The CEO, Mr. Cooperstein, told Ryan.

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“Another six months?”

“All right. Would you be willing to keep supervising Mr. Ramsey during that time?”

“Yes.”

“That brings us to the next point.” He opened Geoff’s task record on the screen. “Based on what I know of Mr. Ramsey’s work, a raise is in place. Since we have an unclaimed one,” he gave Ryan a disapproving glance.

_Aww, so annoyed when failing to control someone with money… Introduce him to James Sr., they’ll bond over that._

Those thoughts surfaced lazily, barely registering on Ryan’s radar; he wasn’t shaming himself for having them. It was pleasant to be so calm, to let the visit to the office be a miniscule disturbance that was soon going to subside. His mind drifted to admiring Mr. Ramsey for his work in both professional and personal fields.

“Matt, what do you think?”

“Yeah, absolutely. Geoff is figuring stuff out really quickly, we should do what we can to keep him.”

“Mr. Haywood?”

“Mr. Ramsey is very effective.”

“Evidently.”

“He is being treated as a junior when he is essentially a mid.”

“What do you mean? He came to us with no experience.”

“I don’t know if that’s due to self-education or tech support background, just that in my opinion, that is his professional level.”

Cooperstein hummed, thoughtful. “Mr. Haywood… Since you’ve been working as a team, I need to know how much of this was your doing and what to expect of Mr. Ramsey on his own.”

“What I did was- sent him materials he didn’t have to read; made notes he could’ve disregarded until I ran out of patience; denied approval of passable results, which he could’ve complained to Mr. Hullum about. I, of course, think I was instrumental,” Ryan grinned. “But I was trying to be just as instrumental with other people in the past and only obtained a reputation of an insufferable instructor.”

Matt chuckled at that and Cooperstein joined, amused with seeing Ryan admit to his quirks.

“As to your previous question, now that Mr. Ramsey is familiar with our software, he is capable of operating independently. I would be glad to continue our collaboration, though.”

Ryan was very effective, too. He humanized himself and, by association, Geoff, hinted on unjust treatment, hopefully creating a little itch to correct it, made Geoff sound like well-nigh the main reason he was still working at the firm. He said Geoff was a mid-level developer, which was horse shit. That required three years of experience at least, also, Geoff genuinely wasn’t there yet, but neither of the parties involved would be able to tell. Level translated to a salary range, saying that was the only way to put certain figures on everybody’s minds without using figures.

With his usual relativism, Ryan didn’t consider his behavior unethical. Nor did he overestimate the effect the recommendation could have. He bumped up Geoff’s wage another twenty percent at best – an investment that was going to pay off fairly soon.

It was so nice to keep a clear head on a meeting. Generally in these kinds of situations his brainpower was too needed in the panic center to allow him to contribute. He had to resort to pre-prepared sentences and, most of all, silence to maintain some semblance of intelligence, which made him seem extra condescending.

Packing his bag at home two hours later, Ryan felt a kind of childish excitement from having established a rapport with someone, from pulling a successful trick, from how particularly good his day already was, before he even got to the good part. He actually had to sit down and have a conversation with himself.

_Lied to your boss about how competent your boyfriend is. Original. Brilliant._

_Poorly executed, too?_

_It was fine. The nuanced shit you think so much about is happening in nobody else’s head, but yours. You’re good, you said he’s good, that’s enough for Ezra to add a bit to his tiny money, that’s seriously all._

Ryan was sitting there, nodding.

_That’s not why you’re about to cream your pants. That’s because you think Ezra and Matt like you._

Ryan recalled Ezra dropping by the downstairs office on his way out and offering to finish the cognac left from the party that took place earlier, so it won’t sit in the cupboard till the next holiday. One of the two toasts was to him.

_Just a normal social interaction for them. Again, you’re the only one still thinking about it._

Ryan agreed. He exhaled, letting go of that faulty joy.

***

Jack opened the door for Ryan. Ryan hugged him with one hand, holding the bag and a bottle of sparkling wine in the other. “Hey, Ry.”

Ryan handed him the wine and took the coat off, shaking it to get rid of the snow. He was wearing a shirt and trousers. “I guess I overdressed,” he said jokingly, glancing at the stretched out knees of Jack’s sweatpants.

Jack smiled a little. “Geoff is in the kitchen.”

Ryan went in. Geoff was mashing potatoes, whistling along with the holiday music blasting on his laptop. He was in a shirt, too, sleeves rolled up, an apron protecting the front of it.

“Geoffy?”

“Ry!” Geoff turned to kiss him, keeping the masher over the pot. “How did it go?”

“You clean up nicely.” Ryan put hands on Geoff’s waist and nuzzled his neck. Geoff was clean-shaven. His hair was probably neatly combed at some point, but was fighting its way back to the usual disordered state.

A grin spread across Geoff’s face, his heartbeat picking up. “So how did it go?”

“They asked me for a review on your performance…” Ryan said, trailing kisses.

“What did you say?”

“That it’s splendid…”

“I still need to cook and Jack’s here…”

“I know, just a moment…”

***

Jack was curled up on the couch in the living room, watching The Nice Guys.

Ryan stopped in the hallway. “Now this is just embarrassing,” he commented on the artificial tree with a single Mars bar hanging on a paper clip.

“The tree? He was supposed to do it!” Geoff yelled from the kitchen.

“That I used to do it doesn’t mean it’s my job!” Jack yelled back.

Ryan chuckled. “I’ll do it. Do you have any decorations or should I go buy candy?”

“He has a shitload!”

***

Jack reluctantly helped Ryan get the boxes from the top shelf of his wardrobe.

Ryan was hanging the decorations, Jack got back on the couch. One of the boxes seemed decades old. There was a pile of toys individually wrapped in newspaper inside. Some of them were exquisite, some odd, most made of thin glass and a little broken. Ryan picked up a cotton apple that looked like it was from the fifties.

“The curious case of a young Jack…”

“What?”

“Used to love New Year’s Eve. Cared enough to bring decorations from home. Even got his roommate into it and usually spent the day disrupting his cooking process by eating ingredients. Then suddenly he wants nothing to do with it and pretends to be watching a movie while he is actually either staring at the wall or watching me. Why do you think that is?”

“You have eyes at the back of your head?”

“It’s a funny movie, but you’re not laughing.” Ryan didn’t look at Jack, just kept decorating.

“I don’t feel like laughing.”

“Let’s watch something sad then. Geoff haven’t seen Titanic, he’d cry a little and curse a lot, I would assume.”

Jack snorted.

“…My birthday was this month.”

“Really? You’re 26 now?”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t tell Geoff?”

“Did not. I’ll tell him the month, but not the day. I don’t want him to try and make me happy right here right now, it’s an impossible job, it’ll just be a disappointment, as most special occasions are. People tend to have the wrong expectations.”

“I thought you were trying to cheer me up.”

“You don’t have to cheer up.” Ryan finally turned and went to the couch. “No need to force each other to act joyful.” He wrapped his arms around Jack. “I only want you to know you aren’t alone.”

***

Geoff came into the kitchen the next morning and saw Jack examining the contents of the fridge.

“Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year,” Jack yawned, “what time is it?” He spent the night absorbed in 7 Days to Die.

“Eight. Want a leftover chicken sandwich, buddy?”

“Ry’s already fed me,” Jack took a bottle of water and sat down at the table. “I might have finished the portion he left for you, too,” he added apologetically.

“Okay,” Geoff busied himself with making a number of sandwiches. _I just got up before sunrise on the 1 st of January, fresh as a daisy. This feels so good…_

Two years ago, around that time of morning, he was on a cab home, sipping stale beer at the back seat. Gus spent the day with Ester, Jack passed out before midnight from trying to keep up with him and he went to the party a guy he was seeing on and off hosted. They fucked, eventually, for almost an hour. Then gave up, no one was going to finish there.

Eight actually counted as sleeping in for Geoff now. Ryan moved his sleep schedule around for a while and then settled on ten to four. He never asked Geoff to become a lark and stayed up late if they had plans, but still got up at four, relentlessly. That made him tired, loopy even. Geoff started doing nine to five himself. He would just take a shower and rush to see Ryan, and those early hours turned out to be magical – barely anyone else awake in the city, public places not yet public. Morning used to mean work and evening used to mean fun. Switching it made Geoff look forward to both waking up and falling asleep. Ryan came up with an elegant solution: it didn’t cure his insomnia, but it seemed to help a lot.

“Geoff, I’ve been thinking… you and Ry will probably want to live together soon. Do you want the apartment? Or is it not nice enough?”

Geoff turned around, hopeful for a split second. “Did he say something?”

“No.”

“…Of course he didn’t.” He got back to the sandwiches. “I barely managed to convince him to stay here for the week. It’s Ryan you’re talking about. There’s no way that’s happening this year. It’ll be in the fucking retirement home. ‘Ry, do you want to get joined rooms?’,” he said in an old man voice. “‘Maybe adjacent ones’,” he continued in a deeper old man voice. “We’ll fit right in there. We already have the regimen for it.”

Jack chuckled sadly. The idea of them spending their whole lives together came naturally to Geoff.

“Besides, he’s a neat freak and I’m not, so that’s going to be fun to deal with…”

“I think I should move out.”

“Buddy, no! Seriously, it’ll be a long time! I love living with you and this is more your place than mine, so I’ll be the one moving out… Don’t you like what we have right now? Me, you, Ry? Do I invite him over too much?”

“No, Ry’s great. I just don’t want to be an obstacle.”

“You are not. Is that what’s been bothering you?”

“Kind of.”

“…I’ve been there, you know? Ester came along and ended an era. I thought this was different? Since you guys are friends, too? Stuff’s changed, but… I didn’t drop out. I didn’t exclude you from that part of my life completely, did I?”

“No, you didn’t.” Jack stood up. “I’ll go keel over.” He left.

Geoff sighed. There was another aspect of misery to watching your friend fall in love, one that was better left unspoken. Losing the comfort of being lonely together. Asking, _why not me?_

***

Geoff ate and then climbed back into bed.

 _Ry, where are you? What’s even open today?_ He decided not to send a text yet.

Geoff asked Ryan to stay at his place because he wanted to take Ryan out of his overly organized life, of calendar alerts buzzing every other hour on his phone. Everything seemed stable enough. It was time to relax, to establish a more balanced, sustainable lifestyle.

Ryan agreed, but said he would need alone time still.

***

Ryan came back in the afternoon and took Geoff to a park. It was pretty, very family-friendly, a snowman contest going on and live music at a makeshift stage. Ryan was walking by his side, all composed, perfect posture, face blank, but not unpleasant, aka his best ‘I’m a normal human person’ act, trying hard not to attract attention, yet attracting a lot of it. Geoff noted lingering looks from ladies, now habitually. It was weird that Ryan would choose to go there, too many eyes, too many mouths, too much potential for someone to pick that moment to be shitty.

They took a turn. The park was gradually becoming a forest. Eventually, they found an abandoned carousel. That made more sense. They climbed over the fence, cleaned two seats with a few handfuls of snow, Ryan turned his around, took his boots off and put his feet by Geoff’s knees, to keep the chains above his seat from untwisting. As Geoff was about to tell him he’d catch a cold, he produced a plaid from his backpack and handed it to Geoff. Then came a thermos of non-alcoholic grog and a box of macaroons.

Melting snowflakes in Ryan’s hair looked like glass beads. Geoff pushed off the ground to make the carousel turn, watching the scenery change behind Ryan’s lovely face. That was his world – delicate, fleeting, like the watery crown of his.

Ryan was seriously into art, going through it at an unmatched pace. A new movie every other day. A new book every week. Listening to a different kind of music every time they got to that subject. He was savoring his time, though, TV shows weren’t his thing, casual half-attentive watching wasn’t his thing. He was only interested in what could leave an impact.

Geoff had an existential crisis happening in the background for a while, asking himself, what the purpose was. The question wasn’t answered; it was removed, pushed further and further with each elevating experience crafted by Ryan for him. God, did he want to keep that going. To keep Ryan, lost somewhere in the higher planes, going.

He wondered about Ryan’s ex who broke up with him after six years. He was inclined to hate the guy, mostly because of the cutting. Googling what aged scars looked like confirmed to him that Ryan did most of that while they were together. Then he was struck by a thought – _If he was doing it right now, what would I do? _And then again – _Is he?_

He looked up the forms that thing could take. There definitely weren’t new cuts. Or burns. There were some bruises, but not enough to conclude those weren’t accidental. _Starving yourself. Overexerting._ Geoff cooked more often than ever. As the weather deteriorated, Ryan almost stopped running. He finally gained some weight, and Geoff considered that to be a win.

***

They headed to a dinner party at Gus’ and took the subway, deliberately pushing Ryan’s limits, trying to re-accustom him to the crowds. Ryan was almost fine with public transport by then. Not that sneaking around the city, treading untrodden passageways with him wasn’t fun. Not that being out at odd hours wasn’t fun. Geoff just wanted him to have a choice.

They were wedged to the door in a metal tube underground, which was hardly pleasant.

“Only one stop left…” Geoff tried to be reassuring.

There was a sea of people on the platform. He took Ryan’s hand. “Don’t run, okay? Let’s go with the flow.”

They got to the surface on the wrong side, since a lot more people were headed in that direction. It was a shitty spot, no benches, no trees, no archways leading to an inner yard, only dirty busy sidewalk squeezed between the road and the wall of buildings.

Geoff saw a cab station. He looked at Ryan, who was just standing there, eyes closed, sweat trickling down his temple. _I’m a fucking moron, this is way too much… Fuck it, we’re going home._

***

They ran into Jack at the apartment.

“Why are you still here?” Geoff yelped.

“I’m not going… Why are you?” Jack glanced at Ryan, who was untying his boots in silence.

“Did you notify them?”

“Yeah, I called yesterday and apologized.”

“Yesterday! Fuck, that makes me look like that much more of a dick! Ester’s gonna kill me…”

“You should go.” Ryan brushed Geoff’s shoulder.

“You sure?”

Ryan gave him a quick kiss and retired to the bedroom.

“Is everything okay?” Jack asked when Ryan closed the door behind him.

“I severely underestimated subway traffic…” Geoff sighed and zipped his coat back up. “Keep an eye on my little lunatic, will you?” He whispered. “Check on him in an hour or so.”

“Of course.”

***

Twenty minutes later, Ryan emerged in the living room doorway.

“Hey,” Jack smiled.

“Do you think we should pull ourselves together and go?” Ryan clearly wasn’t delighted with the idea.

“Go bum everyone out? Nah.”

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“There’s a whole bunch of guests. It’s fine as long as you are not Geoff.”

Ryan chuckled a bit. “Why is that?”

“He gets Gus into all kinds of shitty situations. Not so much now, obviously, but Ester has some residual hatred.”

“I see.” Ryan looked at the TV. “Always Sunny?”

“Mm-hm. Join in.”

Ryan leaned on the doorframe and just stayed there.

 _Kind of around, kind of by himself. Like a cat._ Jack found the comparison bemusing and got back to watching, comforted with that quiet presence. Eventually, Ryan walked to the couch and settled on the other end of it.

Jack moved a bowl of popcorn in his direction. “Help yourself.”

“Thank you.”

 _Wrong bait._ He took a can of diet coke and offered it, too.

Ryan shifted closer to get to it and Jack grinned to himself.

***

Geoff was mingling – something he was actually able to do, when he wanted to. It was okay, but it was meaningless. He got tired of it very soon.

Gus approached him, holding a bottle of whiskey, pointing at the balcony. Geoff nodded and followed. They settled in the old, worn-out armchairs. Those didn’t look great, but certainly were cozy.

“Where’s your better half?” Gus asked.

“He’s a bit under the weather.”

“As you’ve said. You aren’t fighting, are you?”

“No, we don’t fight… We took the subway here, and… it’s hard to tell when’s the rush hour during the holidays… Knocked him sideways. He said I should go and Jack’s there, so.”

“Fuck, I really wanted Ester to meet him. Now I’ll have to convince her to do a double date or something.”

“She’s not the only one that’s going to need convincing,” Geoff scoffed. “Why would we do that?”

“’Cause every time I go out with you she expects me to come home in the morning with a blackening eye, trashed? And we actually do fight over that?”

“That hasn’t happened in… months.”

“Yeah, and maybe in a few more she’ll start changing her opinion of you. Or she could meet Ry, meet the person you are around him, and let it go right now.”

 _I like how you’ve painted me to be this crappy friend for your missis and that’s on me_ , was Geoff’s automatic response. He did a double-take, unwilling to chip away at the closeness the gang now had.

“Then we’ll do it.”

Gus was surprised and for a moment, it was awkward.

“…Remind me later, I bought him something, you should pass it over to him.”

“You bought him a New Year’s present?”

“Well, it’s more of a thank you. He was pretty fucking helpful.”

“How so?”

“With my new job?”

Geoff shook his head, confused.

“He didn’t tell you? I mentioned the vacancy to him, it seemed like a cool one, though I’ve never even heard of half the shit they wanted me to know. I honestly wasn’t fishing for his assistance, we were just talking about work. But he looked into it in depth, sent me a bunch of links, basically walked me through the whole process and here we are.”

“Why didn’t he tell me…”

“Thought I would be embarrassed, maybe? Which I kinda am.” Gus stretched his lips in a mock smile. “Anyway, Ester and I went to a festival last week, they had a pottery shop, saw a neat ocarina there. It’s more or less video game related. And, you know, he’ll probably learn how to play it.”

“I bet he will and he’ll love it… That’s better than my present. You suck.”

Gus poured them a refill.

“I honestly couldn’t approve of your choice enough. Good guy, that Ryan. Very good guy. And it’s fun, the four of us hanging out. Can’t believe you used to think Jack and I won’t get along.”

“It was reasonable, you’re my bar bro and Jack’s my pretty princess.”

“Wouldn’t that be Ryan?”

“God, no. If he caught me calling him something like that, he would make me write it on a piece of paper a hundred times and eat it.” Geoff had an odd look on his face.

“Um… What?”

“He’s quite creative in the bedroom department. And bossy.”

Gus broke into laughter, realizing what Geoff meant. “That’s fucking funny, he seems innocent.”

“Right? He leans to tell me something privately around you guys and I’m like – ‘yes, sweetie?’ And some pro-level dirty talk unfolds all of a sudden. Stuff along the lines of ‘In eighty minutes I will be doing this to you.’ It catches me off guard and he’s confident like he’s stating facts. Then I’m sitting there, trying to will a boner away, unable to partake in conversation anymore, while he doesn’t blink an eye. Am I ever going to be that smooth?”

“Probably not,” Gus said, chuckling. He was quite used to discussing these things with Geoff.

“Apparently a lightbulb switches on every time I get a semi. No idea how he manages to read my mood that well.”

“What’s to read? Your lightbulb is a fluorescent one. It’s been lit since you were twelve.”

Geoff stood up and stuck his head out the window, taking a drag.

“It’s all play pretend, though. That cheeky full of himself guy, that’s not him. I like that guy a lot, he’s super fun, but he’s not the one I really want.” Geoff lowered his voice. “A contradictory process, making love to someone, isn’t it? Trying to dismantle them the exact right amount while holding them together… I could count the times I got to do that with one hand. I knew I needed to be careful and I was. Wanted the opposite, which makes me feel fucking guilty… Wish I was less of an animal.”

***

When Geoff got back, the two alleged unwell were laughing their asses off. He knew what a Jack laughing fit sounded like, but he’d never heard a Ryan one before. Surprisingly childlike and a bit on the hysterical side, quite funny by itself.

“What’s going on, boys?” He came into the living room.

“Geoffy!” Ryan turned with a wide smile and patted the couch next to him. “This show is incredible.”

Geoff looked at the screen.

“It’s my favorite. I thought it would be too crude for you…”

Jack shushed them.

Geoff hardly enjoyed the rest of the episode. He missed out on the moment of Ryan getting into Sunny and wanted to kick Jack in the balls for that. He brushed his annoyance off and prepared to enjoy the next one.

Ryan sighed during the titles. “Unfortunately, I can’t postpone sleep any longer.”

Geoff checked the time. It was almost midnight. He so should’ve returned sooner.

Ryan pulled Jack into a very genuine hug. Jack seemed to love it, judging by his shiteating grin.

Geoff chastised himself for his alcohol-induced thoughts.

***

Geoff dropped on the mattress, pulling the blanket up to his chin. Ryan was still undressing and he glanced his way a lot.

He wanted fuck his him roughly without asking for permission, make him say his name and make sure he won’t forget it. The idea was pulsating in the pit of his stomach and he was dangerously close to acting on it. He turned away.

Ryan climbed under the covers. “Are you upset?” Geoff felt warm breath on his back so acutely he could transcribe the words solely based on that. “Would you like me to fuck your troubles away?”

 _God help me_. “Not tonight.”

Ryan put his head on the pillow and Geoff appreciated that.

“…It must be so tiring. So disappointing.”

“What?”

“Running into those roadblocks. I am very sorry for today. I thought I could do it. You don’t have to live through those moments, I’ll… exercise by myself. I’m not asking anything of you, just stating facts, which are… I honestly think there’s progress. If you bear with for me a little longer, I think we could lead a normal life.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ, Ry…” That completely took Geoff out of his dark horniness. “Of course there’s progress, are you kidding me? There didn’t have to be, it’s not like anyone ever minded adjusting the plan for you. But it’s so awesome, seeing you get over things, please, include me as much as you can… I… I’m drunk, I should shut up.” _I fucking love you._ He squeezed Ryan’s hand.

“You’re good to me to an unreasonable level. Thank you so much, Geoffy… I wish I could properly give back.”

That was a ridiculously unfair statement and the worst part was that Ryan didn’t expect any objection. He started drifting into sleep, contempt with ending the conversation there, though his latest words had an air of concealed sadness to them.

Geoff turned to the side, spooning him. He knew he smelled like cigarettes and whiskey. And himself, as a normal person would. Ryan was all shampoo, shower gel and toothpaste, always too clean for Geoff to even know his scent, which was quite regrettable.

Geoff started rehearsing a speech for later. _Ry, about giving back… When we met, I wasn’t in a good place either… I was into the job, but besides that… it seemed like life didn’t have much to offer anymore. I’ve lost interest, even towards sex. That’s depression, right?_

_You are troubled, my love, so much so, but somehow, you aren’t jaded at all. I feel your breath taken, I see you getting inspired, though you try not to let it show. When I’m with you, when I see everything through your eyes, I’m the happiest._

_Life is enjoyable again all of a sudden._

He carefully pressed his lips to Ryan’s shoulder. He was agitated before, kept going through the list of leftover booze at the back of his mind. Their exchange, though cheerless, relieved him, and he could just follow Ryan into sleep.

***

Geoff was in a thai restaurant, excepting Ryan to join him for lunch. He hadn’t seen him all week, had a deadline to meet and couldn’t make the time – yet another reason to move in with each other.

He checked his email again, hoping that testing would go smoothly and he won’t have to return to the office. The waiter walked to stand behind him. He raised a hand, asking for a moment to finish reading. Fingertips were pressed lightly to the nape of his neck and traced down under the collar of his pullover. Geoff jolted his head up, eyes closed, and felt a touch of soft lips accompanied by a tiny bite at the end. He heard the person settle down on the other side of the table and only then looked.

“Disappointed?” Ryan smirked.

“Your hair!”

“Didn’t turn out great, did it? It’s not too short, I’ll try again.”

***

Geoff recommended several dishes. “You like spicy sweet, right?” He picked the place in search of culinary inspiration.

As Ryan was studying the menu, Geoff was observing his sloppy new haircut. Objectively, the old one was even sloppier, his hair looked less weird already. But it used to feel really nice, nice to run fingers through and burry face in. Something specific only to Ryan, too.

He was secretly upset and oddly bothered by the image of Ryan’s locks laying in the dumpster somewhere.

Bitching was not an option. Geoff smiled. “Ry, do you want to see my barber? She’s awesome, this could be a lot worse,” he pointed at his own hair. “I don’t think yours likes you very much.”

“Well… my barber is me, so I guess you are correct.”

“O-o-oh…”

Ryan looked down, biting his lip, confiding his embarrassment.

“God damn it, why can’t I ever figure these things out on my own? What’s it like, being with someone so dense, Ry?”

“Boosts my self-esteem.” Ryan offered a tentative smile.

Geoff laughed. “She and I are on friendly terms, I could ask her not to chat you up. Would that help?”

“…It’s mostly about touching.”

“Do you want me to do it then? I can google how. I bet it’s way easier when you’re not cutting your own hair.”

“You don’t think that’s weird?”

“Eh. You’re weird, I’m weird, this is weird… whatever.”

Ryan smiled at him fondly.

“I’ve always wondered where the hippie look came from. What do you want now, any ideas?”

Ryan unlocked his phone and browsed through the photos. He barely took any, so it was easy to find what he was looking for.

“Something like this,” he handed Geoff the phone.

It was a picture of teenage Ryan in a tuxedo, standing arm-in-arm with a beautiful older woman in a fancy dark-blue dress. Next to her was a huge dude sporting a shaved head and a beard, his suit looking like it was about to burst.

“High school graduation?”

“Yes.”

“That’s your mom, right? You look like her… Who’s the Hulk?” _Is that a fucking bodyguard? Why would they take a photo with the bodyguard?_

“They are my mother and my brother.”

“That’s your brother??”

“Yes.”

“He’d been eating all of your food or something?”

“He prefers lifting to running.”

“No shit... Where’s your dad?”

“He didn’t make it.”

Geoff zoomed in on Ryan. He could see why Jack would describe him as cute. No beard, cheekbones less pronounced, lighter hair… The hint of a long thin scar on the right side of his face was a lot more visible. Geoff chose not to ask, he knew that if he pushed the sharing session would be over.

“Seems like a pretty basic hairstyle. Really well done, though, I doubt I could do that good of a job, but I’ll do my best, Ry.” Geoff ran his hand over Ryan’s.

“Thank you so much. Lunch is on me.”

“Okay, I’ll look into cocktail menu then.”

Ryan chuckled.

“Why did you decide to do this now?”

“My parents’ wedding anniversary is next weekend. I was invited and I don’t want to further upset my mom.”

Geoff’s heart sank. “…When was the last time you saw them?”

“They came to visit… third course. I… never did, to be honest.”

_Fucking perfect._

“I would absolutely ask you to join me and introduce you… They don’t know I’m bi. There’s going to be a huge party, all friends and family there, and it’s their day… It would be wrong of me. I’ll do it next time, I know how that sounds…”

“It’s okay. It would definitely be the wrong moment.”

“You’re not offended?”

“Not at all, sweetie. I’m just worried, are you?”

Ryan nodded.

“How are you planning to get there?”

“By plane. It’s not like it’ll be crowded.”

“It’s not like you can get out at the next stop either. Bus, maybe?”

“It’s a long drive.”

“Please…”

“…Okay.”

“I’ll go for a smoke.”

***

Geoff was walking in circles outside the restaurant.

_Do I have a say in this? Doesn’t seem like I do, otherwise you would’ve asked for advice when you got the invitation. Can’t sit through a haircut, but a family reunion – sure! If they are that great, why do you only talk to your passive-aggressive mother?_

_Is it just me? Or is it like insane to let you go there by yourself? Take me with you anyway, I’ll chill out in a hotel room! But no-o, that would be awkward, right? That wouldn’t be ideal. And you don’t face the stuff that’s not ideal, you pretend it doesn’t exist. That bro of yours sure looks like someone you would get along with. I bet he’ll give you some shit. And you will just stay nice and take it while it drives you to a breaking point… Like you seriously expect people to reconsider and stop… No one fucking does that!!_

In contradiction to what he was thinking, a minute later he did exactly that. He felt his anger ebbing, tried to hold onto it. Couldn’t.

_You don’t expect them to, do you? You only believe that it’s possible._

He lit another cigarette.

_Okay. I’ll believe too, then. This is a positive thing, what you’re doing, a big step forward, one I don’t see myself taking… Does that… affect my judgement? Maybe your parents aren’t that bad? They’re still together and they feel good enough about their anniversary to celebrate it…_

_Okay. Won’t be making you any more worried over this than you already are._

***

Geoff smiled and picked up the fork.

“You’re bi. Really, Ry? See yourself ending up with a woman?”

“My vision is blurred. I’m quite fascinated with someone and I only see myself ending up with them.”

Geoff closed his eyes for a moment, a nice warm feeling in his chest.

***

When Ryan imagined himself coming back, it was always as a winner. He had his fair share of dreaming about upcoming achievements. As high as the bar was set, he imagined he could one day jump over it, floating in the air for a moment, facing the sky, though he was guaranteed to fall shortly after. He knew that idea of his was juvenile and unhealthy, yet deep down, never stopped wishing for it to come true.

He wasn’t bringing a tale of success, only an apology to his mom. She often said that though nominally, he was the most polite person in the family, he was also the coldest. His excuse was his misery, he thought he had it worse than she did. Geoff took that excuse away and he couldn’t really live with himself without doing something.

Ryan was watching fields and forests rush out of the window. It felt like the bus was constantly picking up speed.

***

Ryan saw his mother at the station, waving anxiously. He walked to her, hoping he was better at faking merriment than she was. She squeezed him as tight as she could. “Honey… you’re here…” She pulled away and looked him up and down. “So handsome… grown-up…”

“You look wonderful.”

“Should we get your luggage?” She patted her cheeks with a handkerchief. “The car’s waiting for us at the lot…” She asked the driver to stay there, protecting their privacy.

***

“This is our new home.” Ryan’s mom gestured.

Three stories house that extended to both right and left, a garden surrounding. Lion statues on the sides of the stairwell leading to the front door.

“It’s lovely.” Ryan took a step to the trunk, but she stalled him. “Chris will take care of it.”

“Sure.”

She led him inside.

“Is there a guest room?”

“Your room is on the second floor.”

***

The space the size of his apartment was full of items he considered to be long gone, pulled from different time periods. His old bed was there, along with a crib he could only assume was his. His old desk was there. His grand piano was there, too, must have been difficult to get it in. One of the walls was dedicated to his certificates of honor, the rest filled with his drawings, framed. His plush toys were sitting on the dresser.

The room belonged to a three-year-old as much as it did to a thirteen-year-old. Making sense of it required dream logic: only in dreams you could see a different set of materialized memories with each turn of your head.

“Isn’t it nice?”

_Lilly’s about as insane as you are._

Ryan pulled her into a hug, feeling like he was about to suffocate.

***

She tried to reach his father once more and got off the phone.

“I think it’s going to be just the two of us.”

“It’s fine, mom. I appreciate a moment with you.”

They were at a large table in the dining room, the rest of the house dark and empty.

“Do you still like paella? I made it myself.”

Ryan nodded vigorously with a full mouth. “I can tell,” he said when he could. “I tried to replicate it, never succeeded. Would you share the recipe?”

“No, I need leverage.”

Ryan chuckled.

“Wine?” Lilly offered.

“Shouldn’t we save that for tomorrow?” Ryan worried she would lose her cool.

***

“Eat some more.”

“I’ve already had way too much.”

“You’re so thin…”

“I don’t think we can fix that tonight.”

She sighed, rocking the wine in her glass. “’There is no reciprocity. Men love women. Women love children. Children love hamsters. Hamsters don’t love anyone; it is quite hopeless.’”

“I’m not that fond of hamsters.”

“That’s because you are the hamster in this scenario. Jimmy… please come to see us more often.”

“I plan to. Maybe next time I’ll…”

“I invited Meg to keep you company. She’s such a lovely girl.”

“…Meg?”

“You two will be the most beautiful couple there.”

Ryan swallowed. “No, you and father will be.”

***

Ryan’s father shook his hand at the party.

“Missed you, junior. You still developing soft at that firm?”

“Yes, but my focus is shifting to home automation systems. I’m in the interviewing process with a few companies.”

He sighed. “So you are determined to work for the man.”

“James!”

“Lilly?”

She gave him a look, her lips a thin line.

“Okay, I’m scared, I’ll zip. Your mother is beautiful and intimidating, Jim.”

“Terry will be here soon. Say hi to him,” Lilly brushed Ryan’s arm.

Ryan nodded.

***

His parents had a separate table for two, so Ryan wasn’t next to them or to anyone he knew. It was a good idea to come to a semi-public event.

He was staying for another day, but they weren’t, scheduled to leave for their- second? third? fifths? honeymoon in several hours. Everything was basically over. The bitter images Ryan was going to bring home were that room and the card with Meg’s name on it, still sitting by a plate to his right.

When Ryan’s father started making real money, they moved to a townhouse. Meg’s family owned the building and occupied the top two floors. A dinner was thrown to welcome the new neighbors. 6-year-old Ryan and 5-year-old Meg were introduced to each other. He attempted to have a conversation about Sega games with her, over chicken nuggets. She started kicking him under the table, his confused reaction made her laugh; he was confused, but he wasn’t offended. She pulled on the sleeve of his suit and dragged him on a tour around the place, rambling about the stuff they had there that she liked.

As the parents were getting buzzed, the voices louder, less attention paid to them, Ryan found his way to acting like a kid, too, running around, his bowtie discarded somewhere, Meg’s French braid undone. During a tickle fight on the stairs, Ryan accidently pushed Meg, she fell down, hit her head on the railing and the dinner was over.

Ryan was terrified and possibly cried more than Meg did. Their parents ended up on the fence about each other.

Even during the trip to the hospital, Meg kept saying that wasn’t his fault. Ryan made a card for her and Lilly agreed to take him upstairs to deliver it. Meg’s parents weren’t blaming him at that point, looking for a way for everyone to get over the thing. When Meg showed up to personally receive the card, all was fixed.

They went to the same private school and in general, spent a ton of time together. Meg always had other friends, Ryan didn’t, he was too busy and didn’t want to anyway.

Ryan’s home became toxic and Meg’s was a safe haven for him. When he started having trouble falling asleep, he would doze off on her couch during the evenings all the time. While she was studying, as he was supposed to be, which didn’t do wonders to his grades. She was determined to fix that and came to Ryan’s once, urged him to get in bed and tried to stare him down into sleep. The process was unsuccessful and very annoying for both of them. She attempted to give him a backrub, he hated it. She started reading her book out loud, it was Consuelo and he kept making fun of it. She kissed him, for the first time, just to shut him up. He said that was definitely not sleep inducing. She decided to call it a night and pulled a mirror out of her purse, getting ready to leave. While she was brushing her hair, Ryan suddenly asked if she would brush his. She did. He stopped being an asshole, thanked her, genuinely relaxed and eventually offered to get back to the book.

When Meg was fifteen, she asked Ryan if he had sex yet. He said that he did and it wasn’t great, since the girl didn’t know what to do and was just there. Meg said she wanted to know what to do. Their parents did not have ‘the talk’ with either of them. They somewhat knew the techniques from watching porn and knew about birth control from health class, but that was it, no idea of the emotional side of things, no idea of consent. Ryan didn’t even realize he was committing a crime when Meg lost her virginity to him.

Their new hobby was fucking each other’s brains out in one place Meg’s parents were unable to find a tenant for or another.

That ended kind of by itself, probably because Ryan’s life was quickly going to shit. He was never at school anymore, he was rarely home either, when Meg did meet him, it was to pick him up and shove fingers down his throat so he won’t overdose.

Thankfully, he was more of a cautionary tale than a bad influence. But when Ryan said he was moving for uni, Meg didn’t offer to stay in touch. He thought it was better for her to abandon the sinking ship, too.

***

Ryan finished his lemon water and waited for his empty glass to be noticed, so he could say he would be switching to wine. He felt like letting go that night, there was no reason not to, with about forty throwaway hours ahead of him and no Geoff around to be saved from himself.

He was listening to the wine options being listed when a bright blue spot appeared in the corner of his eye. He turned to see Meg, who was leaning over his other shoulder.

“Any kind of dry Sauvignon blanc would be perfect, thank you…”

“Same for me,” Meg added.

Ryan got up and reached to help Meg with the chair, awkwardly touching hands with the waiter, who was trying to do the same. Meg laughed.

“Excuse me, I’ll leave you to it,” the waiter walked away.

“Now that we’re both standing up…” Meg lost the smirk and wrapped her arms around Ryan’s neck, lady-hugging him. Ryan hugged back, lifting her up, like he used to. Her feet were dangling in the air.

They sat down and Meg waved at his parents, catching their attention. She made a heart shape with her hands, looking at them through it. She got a smile from both of them. That was a far better congratulation than Ryan’s, which was him saying ‘Congratulations’.

“Sorry I’m late, J, I was at a shoot, that’s also why I’m fucking hungry.”

“Sure.”

Meg scoffed at that.

The meal Meg missed was brought to her separately and she was all about it.

She looked gorgeous, as Ryan determined by stealing a glance or two. Blue locks, perfect skin, thick eyelashes and um… toned body. Ryan missed her cuter look, though he was certain no one else did – wearing his hoodie like a dress, a face with subtle features sticking out from the web of straight brown hair, spread around by static.

Meg moved caviar blinis to his plate, habitually trading food with him. “Did you send your ricotta to the kitchen?”

“Afraid so.”

“Ass.”

Ryan chuckled softly at that, deeply thankful that she showed up and acted like it’s been eight days, not eight years. The whole trip, nothing felt familiar but being around her.

***

When Meg was done with the food, she ordered two bottles of wine, open. Those were delivered, no questions asked.

Meg and Ryan settled on a bench by a frozen pond they found in the territory surrounding the venue.

Sucking on their respective bottles like toddlers, they each were constructing the sentence that was going to be the first serious one.

“I’m sorry, J,” she beat him to it.

“So am I.”

“Shut up. I mean… let me say what I have to say.”

“I was angry with you when you moved. I was angry with you for years, both before and after. I couldn’t tell if we were a couple, everybody else sure seemed to think so, I didn’t really, but I thought we were going to be, eventually. All my life I thought we were going to be. You were unreadable. I only got a definitive answer when you said you were leaving and everything just… shattered.”

Ryan opened his mouth and Meg cupped it, preventing him from speaking.

“Then I grew up. I realized that while I was caught up in the ‘will they won’t they’ dynamics you had more important things to deal with. I was so used to you that I was desensitized, unable to see how abnormal the way you acted really was. I was like two years behind and barely of any help. I’m so sorry, J. Couldn’t exactly text you this, though believe me, I have some drafts. So lately, I’ve been keeping tabs on you through Lilly, waiting for you to come home.” She removed her palm. “So weird to actually have you here… Love you...”

Ryan made an abrupt move, pressing her to his chest. Meg let out a choked noise. He tried to start talking several times, his half-words dying down somewhere in between her hood and her hair extensions.

“Still don’t exactly do well in these kinds of situations, do you… We’re back to friends, okay?”

Ryan let go, nodding.

She fixed his beanie. “So, I graduated from Cambridge Art School and I get to be a full-time cosplayer now, can you believe that shit?”

“Knowing,” Ryan cleared his throat, “knowing you, seeing the way you look? I absolutely do.”

“How fucked up is it that I went to an art school and you didn’t? You so belong there.”

“Programming is creative, too. I enjoy it.”

By the time Meg met him, Ryan was already an accomplished 6-year old. He did exceptionally well in elementary school and in music school. That was why him failing in class later bothered her so much. Lilly was spiraling into clinical depression, James Sr. was absent and Meg went as far as asking her own parents to talk sense into him. Those talks Ryan just sat through and then completely ignored his studies for a couple weeks, to make a point and make that stop.

She never figured out what the problem was. Ryan was a great listener and a solid advisor, but the only way to get some kind of understanding of his personal thoughts, of his state, was vicariously through art. He lived in a fictional world, it seemed, and it was easy to give in and go into that subspace with him. Sometimes, after hearing Meg complain about a disappointing movie, he would come up with a different plot for her, tailored to her taste. He drew some of the scenes, recorded melodies as a soundtrack.

Meg used to listen to him practicing. Then he became far less disciplined and his level of technique dropped consequently, making him self-conscious, making him use the soft pedal when playing at home. No longer a regarded young pianist, every once in a while, he broke out of his shyness in what was almost a fit, going from barely audible to deafeningly loud, out of control, misses and dissonance, yet beautiful music shining through, Meg pressing her ear to the floor upstairs.

She couldn’t help being underwhelmed by his current career.

“It’s never too late to get a second degree.”

“…Okay.”

_Fuck, what did I say that for?_

“We should probably head back.” Ryan pulled his phone out.

Meg glanced at the screen to check the time. “Oh, God!” She yelped, covering her eyes. “…That’s a dick,” she laughed. “Looks like your friend picked the wrong sender.”

“I sure hope not.”

Meg blinked at him.

“We haven’t explicitly stated that we’re exclusive, but as far as I’m concerned, that is abundantly clear.”

“…Is this a joke?”

“Let me get myself ready for a reply,” Ryan reached to undo his belt.

“Jesus Christ, J!” Meg grabbed him by the arm.

Ryan chuckled. “Now that was a joke.”

“…Is this you telling me you’re gay?”

“You of all people should know that I like the ladies, too.”

“Too?”

“Yes. Would you give me a minute? I actually do want to answer.”

***

Ryan walked off to the side.

He was pleased with the way that happened, all natural and humorous. He was searching for words to tell Meg. Geoff made things so much easier, as usual.

He had a cheeky response ready and sent Geoff a link to a porno featuring full body massage.

**Ryan: Delicious. Watch this. Read the comments.**

He might’ve left one on there, saying he did that to his partner and highly recommended both the video and the tight ass of his.

Geoff had no control over his reactions in bed and couldn’t hide the fact that a little humiliation turned him on, so Ryan knew advertising Geoff’s private parts to a bunch of random dudes online would go well. He first watched it by himself, then reenacted it in real life. In ten minutes tops, Geoff was going to complete the circle.

Like a soldier sent away to battlefield trenches, he was elated with a letter from home.

***

He returned to Meg, feeling infinitely more confident. She was staring at the pond in front of her, eyes a little wider than normal.

Ryan poked her with an elbow and she started laughing hysterically.

“The last… fucking thing I expected to see on your phone… was a dick pic… not even because it’s gay… just because of I don’t know, how serious you are… the tone of our conversation and everything?” She turned to Ryan, snickering.

“Well,” Ryan smiled.

“Have you ever sent one?”

“Yes.”

Meg shook her head. “Then… if he’s capable of putting you at ease to this level, I like him. I’m a fucking fan.” She sighed and hugged Ryan for a moment. “You secretive asshole,” she whispered, pulling away.

 _So is that why we didn’t happen? Am I the only girl you’ve been with? Is he the only guy you’ve been with? When did you know? Do you know? Did you ever tell anybody? If so, why the fuck not me? _Meg had the predictable thoughts, but only truly cared about not breaking their fragile re-established connection. During the five minutes of solitude she got, she figured out that she should concentrate on Ryan rather than herself and on his relationship rather than its nontraditional nature.

“Tell me about your boyfriend? How did you two meet?”

“At the office. I’ve never observed a less inconspicuous reaction to seeing me,” Ryan chuckled. “He looked like a lot of fun, so I was inclined to grant his wishes and offered to grab a drink.”

Meg scoffed, amused. “Were you acting as smug as you’re making yourself sound?”

“Certainly tried to.”

“Is it easier that way?” Meg asked in a softer voice.

“It is.”

Meg nodded and settled down to listen, her head resting on Ryan’s shoulder.

“His roommate turned out to be a former friend of mine from uni, which further pushed me into seeing him as a person, not a nocturnal guest to forget. Through a series of circumstances, he learned a lot more about me than I intended to show,” Ryan swallowed dry. “Responded with fucking endless kindness. Took time off work and stayed with me for days. Said I didn’t have to date him, asked to be friends if I didn’t feel like it.”

“His reactions… actually make me feel better. He cares and he almost understands, but doesn’t… freak, immediately starts looking for ways to deal with how things are.”

“He’s funny. That’s definitely the first word that comes to mind. Tough looking, with all the tattoos. You should hear his voice, though. Normally it’s not high-pitched, but it goes up there and breaks whenever he’s excited. He’s an avid reader and ultimately, he’s clever like no one else I’ve met…” Ryan came to a full stop, regretting his words. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you. He’s almost five years older than you and almost thirteen years older than what I know of you…”

“J, I didn’t even notice. I’m fine with not being the smartest person around. I’m used to it, actually. I want to get used to it again.”

Ryan’s face, animated when talking about Geoff, slumped down.

“When will I get to meet your fellow genius boyfriend?”

“If you were to take a trip to the capital, we could do that.”

“Yeah, sounds great! I’ll move some stuff around and clear a nice long weekend this month, deal?”

“Sure.”

“Can you please be more excited?”

“About showing you what my life is?” Ryan rubbed his forehead. “It’s not what it was supposed to be. It’s not what you would expect. …I don’t want to have to defend it.”

***

Like many other people who couldn’t stand being at home, but had nowhere else to go, Jack had picked up a habit of taking long sullen walks, listening to music on his phone. Granted, those people tended to be avoiding parents, not friends. Probably had better luck with that, too, because there was no getting away from Geoff and Ryan. Even on those walks, Jack seemed to be tracking their footsteps, running into places Geoff had shown him pictures of.

The whole enormous multi-million city was apparently a stage-setting for their love story.

They weren’t cloying, not around him and not in general, Jack would bet. The closest thing to that was Geoff carrying sleeping Ry from couch to bed, which only made Jack’s heart clench.

Respectful, understanding, gentle and a little funny, their bond was better than what Jack used to dream of. Any future relationship he could have was already tarnished with comparison to that one.

***

At home, Jack found Geoff on the living room floor, surrounded with delivery boxes and beer bottles. He was in boxers and socks.

“What’s with the outfit?”

“I had a gravy spillage.” Geoff continued his pursue of a new Gems of War achievement, chipper as can be. He went to see Ryan off in the morning and then stocked the fridge with alcohol and ordered an obscene amount of food.

Jack expected him to fall apart like a doll without batteries the moment Ryan got on the bus. He thought Geoff took the rest of the week off in hopes Ryan would change his mind and invite him along. He thought Geoff would be worried; he was.

Geoff wrapped a chicken nugget in a pizza slice and generously dipped the roll in garlic sauce. Shoved that into his mouth and wiped his hand on the boxers.

“Je-sus!”

“Wha?”

“Since when are you this disgusting? Have you turned straight or something?”

“I’m overcompensating, been on my best behavior for too long.”

“Could you go back to that?”

“I will,” Geoff belched, “Sunday afternoon, when the etiquette police is back on duty.”

Maybe envy had more staying power than gratitude.

***

A window of opportunity opened and Geoff could feel that day coming – the day he would get to drink. Not socially drink with friends who had plans for tomorrow. Drink alone, letting his thoughts get embarrassing in a way he hoped to never let his conversations get embarrassing again.

The idea stayed hypothetical until the morning of that day. Then came an intense anticipation of pleasure he didn’t see himself resisting.

By the time he got to the liquor aisle, his shopping basket was already half-full with every conceivable snack. Those weren’t necessary, but he wanted to add some flair to the process, to make it look like anything besides what it really was.

He put in more than he could possibly drink in one day and then some, different kinds, too. What if he would feel like having a Bloody Mary? What if Jack would have some? He refused to admit that he had committed the next two days to the deep already and was just saving himself a very unpleasant trip to the store.

***

The only thing more disgusting than a store-bought meat pie was an old store-bought meat pie reheated in a microwave. Or maybe it was whatever was going on in Geoff’s mouth at 3 am Saturday, because he was happy to have it.

He’d had fun indulging, though it came and went like a mile-post on a highway.

Taking a shower he clearly skipped the day before, Geoff remembered posing in the bathroom, adjusting the lamp. He finished washing in a hurry and ran out to check his phone.

He did pose, that wasn’t a dream. At that moment, he thought that sending a photo of his dick standing strong was the best way to express his positivity and support. That was neither appropriate nor something he and Ryan actually did.

He locked the door of his bedroom from the inside when he read Ryan’s message.

***

**Geoff: You’re fucking amazing.**

Those words, easy and light at first, were growing heavier by the minute. Of course Ryan responded to that dumb drunken thing he did in the coolest way possible. Of course he had it all preemptively figured out.

Geoff was kind of a polarizing character, often disliked, but at least he used to elicit some respect. Now he was just ‘the luckiest guy ever’. A nodding acquaintance at a gay bar giving him a thumbs up, he didn’t mind. Ester asking Ryan how did they even happen, he could understand. Gus repeatedly prompting him not to take Ryan for granted, he was bothered with. Jack giving him a disgusted look whenever he tried to explain how difficult it all was, he hated. The only person that didn’t share the opinion was Ryan himself, with his pathologically low self-esteem, stupidly thankful to the three of them for letting him be a part of the group he was the center of.

Was it so hard to understand that they were supposed to be equals? Yes, stats-wise, Ryan was winning by a lot, and maybe Geoff was thankful for the age difference, but with the help of it, he considered himself one. He was strong enough to lean on and, despite those thoughts, confident enough to take the ridicule. He wasn’t disappointed in himself, only in his friends.

Riding a wave of goodness emanating from Ryan, being completely genuine for once, he reached for a deeper connection and instead found out what they really thought of him. It was a low blow, but he wasn’t making any rash decisions. His change of heart went unnoticed, no difference in his act. The four of them were having a great time, doing new things together, hanging out quite often – because Ryan wanted to.

 _Ry… we’re the only… friends we’ve got, Ry! It’s just you and me. You and me forever and forever for a hundred years!_ A dreamy smile occupied his face in anticipation of the Sunday afternoon. Being around Ryan was a pleasure that could be registered physiologically. On an FMRI, Geoff’s brain would’ve lit up in response to Ryan’s voice the same way a dog’s brain lit up in response to the voice of his owner.

Geoff truly did not know if Ryan felt like that about him, if he was special. Sometimes, it seemed that he just tossed his hat in the ring at the right moment, that he was, actually, just lucky: too much remained hidden and guarded.

There was that one night when he noticed Ryan having a bad dream and Ryan threw up on the floor as soon as he shook him awake. Too embarrassed to even make eye contact, Ryan asked him to leave and sat on the edge of the bed like a stone statue until he did. The next day, he couldn’t detect any irregularity in Ryan’s behavior, which strongly suggested that he was always fake and Geoff was getting a taste of his own medicine.

He also realized that they might not be able to deal with Ry’s condition by themselves.

Geoff hated the idea of therapy. It was what his mom sent him to every time she got a new boyfriend who was willing to pay for it. Most were, he was pretty annoying. Hated because… what was it, really? Was there even any science behind it? A pretend friend that asked you how you felt about things. And professional help… the magical words you said when you gave up on someone. Like somewhere out there was that secret knowledge of how to not be miserable. Like there was something you could say that you were too dumb to think of. Like there was that specialist that didn’t suck at their job as everybody else did.

Geoff knew they could afford someone who wasn’t on the verge of losing their license and that he needed to grow up and shut up.

_We will be fine. I’ll convince myself that you need to do this and then I’ll convince you. Maybe there’s a chemical imbalance to be fixed. It will take a long time to find the right pills and adjust and everything, but I’m all in, that much our dumbass friends can tell. And if there is an imbalance between us… you can take your time there, too._

***

Ryan woke up in ‘his’ room, with little idea how he got there. He recalled hugging his mom when his parents were about to leave.

He went downstairs to grab a bottle of water and ran into a lady in the kitchen. It was awkward, he forgot where he was when he stepped out of the room pantsless. He cleaned up and got fully dressed as soon as he returned.

He sat at the piano and poked the keys, contemplative.

Meg was back. Getting her to talk to him again was one of the furthest stretch-goals Ryan had, but it just happened like it was nothing to fret over. Such stupidity, such an influential misconception – Ryan assuming she saw him as an addict loser, Meg expecting a proposal. He would’ve done it, too, if he knew.

There was no serious girl prior or consecutive to Meg. His first experience was with an older guy he met online, it sucked and he just lied about it.

When they decided to have sex, Meg gave him the keys to the place at school. Ryan ditched classes and went there. Bought a pack of a hundred short candles encased in tin holders, arranged those on the floor and lit each one. Meg came by and smiled at the first sight of that, but then became extra antsy. She asked Ryan to go get some wine. He skyped her from the store and as they were talking, her pant leg caught on fire. She had to run to the bathroom and put it out in the sink.

They both were trying so hard to keep it romantic when Ryan got back, yet lost it immediately after looking into each other’s eyes. Felt like themselves again, all the tension left was awesome tension. Ryan let them simmer in it for twenty minutes, watching TV, and then made a decisive move. The last image he got before it was all Meg, familiar and loved, were transparent curtains embroidered with golden thread, thrashing from the draft. One of the neighbors was playing a sappy song on repeat.

As he found out later, his sharp hip bones were digging into the underside of Meg’s thighs, but other than that, her first time was nothing like his.

Being with Meg felt clean and uncomplicated, the only sober daylight sex he had before Burnie.

Meg had a trust fund. She could’ve saved him from moving in with Burnie at the worst possible moment, from watching Burnie fall out of love with him due to misery he couldn’t contain. Coming to think of it, what really drove Meg away must’ve been the same thing.

He was often asked to open up and the person never knew how much it would backfire if he did. They expected to hear a sob story, told in a cautious concise manner, console him and be done with it. Instead, it would’ve been a graceless outburst, exposing him as a far lesser human being than they imagined, plaguing them both for months to come.

_Geoffy, I know it bothers you, but you don’t want to see me like that._

He was actually surprised with how much he had already told Geoff. The scope of issues he could discuss without losing control was no longer miniscule, and it was expanding. Brick by brick, slowly over time, Geoff helped him rebuild himself. Though he was still anything but strong, for the first time, he could see getting there and, at some point in the distant future, sharing everything with him.

He put both hands over the keyboard and let himself improvise, searching for a melody that would convey that hopeful feeling. Synthesizer was nothing compared to an actual piano and he got lost in the sound and the sensation of the keys resisting a press to the exact right extent.

He jumped when he heard a knock. “Yes?” He turned to see his brother.

“Jim.”

Ryan froze.

“I want to talk to you.”

“...Now is not a good time.”

“It’ll be now.” Terry closed the door behind him. “We are getting into programming industrial equipment. We want you to head the department. If all goes well, in a year it’ll be bigger than your company is.”

Ryan stood up. His heartbeat was already throbbing in his ears. “Sorry, I am not interested.”

“Father’s not getting any younger. It’s time for you to start pulling your fucking weight.”

“Just hire someone. What even makes you think I’m qualified?”

“You see this shit?” Terry pointed at the plush toys. “You’re coming back.”

“Like I said, now is not a good time.” Ryan went to the door.

Terry grabbed his arm. “No, you’ll fucking listen!!” He yelled.

It burned, every other unsolicited contact barely an echo of it. Ryan knew where that was headed. Knew his only chance was to punch with his free hand and run, so he did. Terry dodged and he almost fully missed. Terry grabbed his arms and brought them behind his back, turning him around, knocking a chair down. Ryan’s struggling was pretty much pointless. As panic was settling in, he was thrown on the floor and pinned down with a knee.

“What the fuck are you doing with your life? No wife, no kids…”

Ryan would take punches and kicks, but he got that horrible weight on his back instead.

“Be a fucking man for once!”

“Fuck you!!” Ryan thrashed and managed to get one of his arms free, only to be grabbed and twisted again a moment later. “No!!! Let me go!!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs. “Please! I can’t… you don’t understand…” The knee pressed further.

He felt himself letting out insults and eventually just loud incoherent mooing as he was losing his breath, his dignity and all conscious thought. Something cracked in his shoulder and he passed out.

***

He regained consciousness and moved slightly, trying to crawl to the door.

“How weak can you fucking be?” Terry asked, sitting in the chair by the desk. “You can’t do anything but cut yourself.”

Ryan stopped. If Terry had seen his scars… He realized the buttons of his sleeves weren’t undone and Terry was referring to the one incident he had when he was still living with his parents. He shed a tear in relief and started getting up.

Terry walked past him and blocked the door. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Ryan heard a doorbell downstairs.

The lady he met earlier had called the police. He was interviewed first and said they just had an argument. As Terry was interviewed, he frantically packed. He got out with the policemen.


	7. Two-faced

“Geoffrey, thank you very much. Puppy hotels are real expensive,” Gus handed Geoff his keys.

“You’re fucking proposing, did you really think I wouldn’t help you out?”

“Wish me luck. Paris and shit, right? She won’t turn me down.”

“No way.”

“Hopefully, we’ll get engaged. …I don’t want to get married until you and Ryan can. I’ll run that idea by Ester.”

“Guess now I’ll feed your dogs regularly.”

Gus laughed.

“Maybe she’ll agree to do that – for Ry, not for me, of course. As an activist, I encourage you. As a friend… She’s not prepared to wait for long enough, you’ll have to choose eventually and you’ll choose her. So kudos, but don’t try.”

“We can come back to that later.”

Geoff shrugged and took a swig. His hand was shaking, though he was completely unfazed by the subject. He half-choked on his first drink. Gus could tell what he’d been doing.

“You and Ry are welcome to stay at our place, whatever’s less inconvenient. Does he like dogs, by the way?”

“Hm, I don’t know.”

“I imagine him approaching Benjamin and Oswald like hippogriffs, bowing and waiting for a bow in return before petting them.”

“Sounds about right,” Geoff said, finally a small smile tugging his lips.

“Maybe it’ll be good for him, some pup love?”

“Maybe they’ll like him more than you, too.”

“Nah. I have secret treats I give Benjamin, even Ester doesn’t know.”

“Smart.”

***

“Will you be my best man?”

“You tell me.”

“I just did, why the fucking bitterness?”

“Okay, I will then,” Geoff was slurring the words.

“You know what? Sometimes I need this version of you, the been drinking for- what was it, three days? version of you. You’re too good of a liar normally. But right now I can clearly tell that shit’s wrong. Spill the beans.”

Geoff turned to him, unhealthy bright blush on his cheeks. “You and I go way back. We worked together, we lived together, we got out of our shithole of a hometown together. If you still think that I’m a waste of Ryan’s time, there’s fuck else I can say.”

“…What? I don’t, where did you even get that from?”

Geoff started mocking the voices, “‘You’re a lucky guy, Geoff.’ ’Don’t fuck it up, Geoff.’ ‘This is the best thing that could ever happen to you, Geoff.’ ‘Are you seriously about to complain, Geoff?’ ‘What is it that he sees in you, Geoff?’ ’You so don’t deserve him, Geoff.’ Two from you, two from Jack and two from Ester. My fucking circle of friends.”

“Geoffrey,” Gus touched his arm and Geoff shook him off. He was about to fight somebody, it seemed, shoulders squared and chest full of air, instinctively trying to look bigger than he actually was. “All I meant was to remind you to keep your goddamn temper in check, because Ryan is not cut out do deal with that…”

“Oh my God, you’re so right! Somehow, it didn’t occur to me… I really needed to hear it, thank you!!”

Geoff lit a cigarette. “Maybe I should be yelling at Jack, he’s the real asshole here, but fucking Christ, dude… When I look at our reflections every day and they match about as well as tux and jorts, when everyone and their mother thinks he’s too good for me, when Ryan himself is giving me enough reasons for doubt… why would you double down on that?” Geoff exhaled, closing his eyes, growing slack. “This morning, Jack greeted me with a nod and hid back in his bedroom, and I felt so fucking alone. I tell myself that I don’t need you fuckers, but I’m so tired… You don’t know how bad he gets. I try to play it down in my head and I give myself these little pep talks about how everything will be fine, just so I can cope.”

Gus reached for Geoff’s cigarette pack, burrowing one. “I feel like a piece of shit now.”

“You should,” Geoff took a sip. “You know, I always liked Ester and we were friendly at first. You kept putting all of your debauchery on me, thought half the time I had nothing to do with it. Until we weren’t.”

“That’s what the best man is for…” Gus joked sadly, wincing at himself.

“You’re welcome to tell Ryan if I ever cheat on him. But if you just remembered that you’re my friend too, that would be nice.”

Gus put an arm on his shoulders. “I’m sorry, Geoffrey.”

“Wow, a rare Gus apology. At least something good came from me hitting the sauce.”

***

James Sr. was always captivated by Lilly and, whenever she reciprocated, whenever it was possible with the company and the kids, wanted the vacation to be about just the two of them. That’s how Ryan ended up with his grandfather in the country. That’s why next summer, they sent him to a camp. James knew the owner, her kid was Ryan’s classmate; Ryan even went to his birthday once.

The kid’s name was Wesley. He was usually called Weasely at school, but never at camp. He was the king there. Little by little, he started being shitty to Ryan, drawing his buddies to do the same. Ryan responded with distancing himself from the situation, opting out of activities. Everyone went to the lake to play volleyball, he stayed on the swing set, flying back and forth.

Five days in, Wesley’s mom yelled at him, asking how fucking hard it was to make the little Mr. Haywood feel welcome, and moved Ryan to a different room. Eight days in, Ryan stopped eating.

He was on the swing again. The empty camp grounds looked surreal. Terry stopped him in the air, holding the chains.

“Terry? Why?”

“You apparently can’t fucking handle summer camp and I don’t want our parents to cancel the trip. I’ve convinced Lilly to let you stay with me. I’ll be putting food in your mouth, which you are, again, apparently unable to do. Hopefully, the genius is capable of packing his shit up.”

A cab brought them back to the city and to Terry’s apartment; Terry paid the enormous check and Ryan was carried upstairs, bent over his shoulder like a rolled carpet. Terry dropped the bag on the floor and the kid on the couch.

“Okay, so what do you want? Pizza? Burgers? Chinese? The world is your oyster, Jim, as usual.”

Those were the best dumplings Ryan had ever had. He went through almost two portions and Terry put him in bed. He slept for 18 hours straight.

Next morning, he saw Terry exercising through the open door of his bedroom on the way get some water.

“Hey! You okay?”

“Good morning. Yes.”

“Wait a sec…” Terry did a set of twenty push-ups.

They went to the kitchen, Terry gave him a bowl of cereal and switched channels on the TV until he came across a cartoon. “You’re ten, right? You still like this?”

“I’m nine. This is okay.” Ryan dug into the cereal.

“So what was that all about? Did you get bullied, for once?”

“I think so.”

“Huh. I mean, they would fucking eat you at a normal school, but at a fancy one you’ve been sailing smoothly, why not at fancy camp? What did they find to pick on you about?”

Ryan looked away.

“Come on, I won’t tell. Not even to mom and dad. I promise, Jim.”

“…He said I stink.”

“Pf-ft. You seriously don’t. You are a very neat kid.”

“I didn’t think that was true either. But he would cover his nose and his friends did, too.”

“He sounds dumb. Lacking imagination.”

“He said I was walking around in my sleep, pretending I was taking a shower, since I never did during the day.”

Terry laughed. “Okay, that’s better.”

“He said I would climb into his bed afterwards and he had to kick me out.”

Terry’s smile turned upside down. “Bleh. Fucking kids… always getting weird and creepy when you least expect it…”

“I don’t understand,” Ryan muttered.

“I’m not gonna explain. Even I think there’s stuff you shouldn’t be aware of yet. Let’s just say it’s sometimes not great that you’re pretty like a girl.”

On the screen, an ostrich cartoon character buried its head in the sand. “Jim, that’s you,” Terry pointed, “that’s what you did. Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?”

“I didn’t want to talk to him.”

“Should’ve just punched him in the fucking face.”

Terry brought Ryan to his bedroom and handed Ryan the smallest weights he had. “How about you start with building some muscle.” Terry took his usual set and raised the weights over his head. “Look, it’s like waving wings. Up and down.” Ryan mirrored the motion. “Yeah. Now repeat.” Ryan did. “Good, keep doing it, I’ll go shower.”

“For how long should I keep doing it?”

“Until the ostrich flies.” Terry left.

Ryan did as asked.

Nothing felt normal. He wondered if he was dreaming, if he had become a part of the world where fictional stories really existed. Staying with Terry in a place he’d never seen before kept the illusion going. He thought it was important to continue that exercise; that if he really tried and truly believed, something magical would happen. His arms were shaking, but he kept going. Eventually, he lost control and smashed his ring finger in between the weights dropping down.

Terry ran out of the shower in a towel when he heard him crying, picked him up and rushed to put the finger under cold water.

“Sorry, Jimmy…” Terry was holding the ice pack at the back of a cab, on the way to their family doctor.

The finger was broken and the nail was going to fall off, which meant no writing for a month and no piano for two. Lilly treated the situation like the end of the world. She and James Sr. flew in from French Riviera right that day. James Sr. was initially opposed to the idea, tried to calm her down and received a bunch of accusations of being a bad parent in response. And Terry received a cold shoulder from Lilly, even though he dropped his nonchalant act and sincerely apologized.

Yes, Terry was a difficult teenager, to put it mildly, yes, he was an asshole to Ryan on numerous occasions, but he was trying to better himself. He wasn’t ready to stop holding the decision to alter the natural order of succession over his parents’ heads, as well as them offering/forcing him to move out as soon as he turned 18. Yet, he was on his way to stop blaming Ryan. Besides, even if Ryan was going to be in charge nominally, he would never really be, he didn’t have a single personality trait of a leader. He would analyze and calculate and take care of all the boring shit, he would basically be Terry’s consultant – a great, extremely useful one, but a consultant nonetheless.

Lilly pushed him away, as if he wasn’t her son as well, unfairly that time, too. Terry used to think that the modest, unassuming Ryan could actually be quite contempt with that future he envisioned for them. But would the kid stay that way or would that all disappear as soon as he hit puberty? Would he respect him, considering Lilly’s attitude? Terry’s whole life depended on what the little shit would have on his mind ten to fifteen years later and he wasn’t going to leave that to chance anymore. He was going to use every opportunity he got to cement the thought of being inferior to him in Ryan’s head.

***

Jack was vacuuming the kitchen balcony. Geoff had managed to spread ash everywhere, as well as stink up the whole place. He wiped the misted glass with his sleeve. The rain fell in sheets from gloomy fat clouds, washing away the remaining snowdrifts in the yard. It looked unpleasant out there.

He decided against grocery shopping, put a sad frozen bachelor dinner in the microwave and switched the TV on to hear a hail warning.

The intercom rang. “Yes?”

“It’s me.”

He pressed the button automatically when he recognized the voice.

Moving too quietly for sound-activated lights to register, Ryan emerged from the dark hallway. Pale as a ghost, quavering, hair run flat by the rain, heavy-lidded eyes darting to and from Jack’s face.

“Oh my God… Come in, come in!”

Ryan stepped over the threshold. “Is Geoff here. His phone is off.”

Jack reached behind him and closed the door. “No, Ry, he texted that he was going to stay at Gus’,” Jack was nervously examining him with his stare.

“Maybe I should go.” Ryan leaned on the door and started slowly sliding down.

Jack caught him by the waist. “I don’t think you’re physically capable of going anywhere...” Jack moved him to sit on the wardrobe bench and pulled away, the front of his t-shirt now wet. “You’re drenched... Why no scarf? Beanie? Gloves? Lost them?” Geoff came home like that once or twice.

Ryan tugged at his collar.

Jack unzipped the coat, pulled the left sleeve off, but when he pulled on the right one, Ryan yelped as if that burned. “What? What did I do?” Ryan shoved it down himself with a few erratic motions, keeping the arm as still as possible.

Jack put the coat on a hanger and squatted to untie the boots. Ryan reached to help and then dropped his head, bent in half. Jack ran off to the kitchen and came back with a plastic bag.

“Here.”

Ryan looked at the bag and at Jack.

“In case you need it? To puke in?” Ryan kept looking. “It’s…” Jack was growing uncomfortable with treating Ryan so familiarly, “…it’s okay if you do?”

“I’m not… I don’t think? Just tired.”

Jack smelled the air and couldn’t detect much alcohol, if any. He got on Ryan’s left side and led him into the living room, his eyes welling up.

***

Geoff pushed down the last slice of a family-size pizza Gus got them as a peace offering. They’d discussed the details of Gus’ trip, took an extensive walk down the memory lane and decided to go to Gus’ after the place closed. Comfortably secluded at the corner table, they enjoyed each other’s company once again.

“Aren’t you happy, bud?”

“I’m certainly something I’ve never been before, but I don’t know if happy is the right word.”

“Why not?”

“Happy would be… a lot calmer, I imagine.”

“Yeah. I’m happy-adjacent right here right now, so. Can confirm.”

“Are you sure you’re not gay?” Geoff taunted.

Gus ignored him. “You two are crazy nice to each other still. Real protracted honeymoon phase.”

“It’s not a honeymoon phase, it’s a nine-months long first date. When you’re afraid of saying something the other won’t like. ‘Please, let’s try and get you some help’, for example,” Geoff furrowed his eyebrows in a painful grimace.

“Have you ever said that?”

“No. He would just start hiding more. I can’t lose what little trust I have. I need to find a way, but so far… I haven’t… I keep postponing, waiting for him to take a couple more steps towards me… I don’t know what it is that I’m not doing. I barely think of anything besides him and yet,” Geoff’s voice gave out and he cleared his throat, “shit ain’t happenin’,” he finished in a contrary manner.

“Just gonna take time, I guess.”

“The state he puts me in… It’s like I’m high most of the time he’s around. It’s like I’m fifteen again, the world enormous and enticing. I come by when it’s barely 6 am, and it’s still completely dark outside, and we watch American Beauty in bed, and then we fuck and everything in me screams that nothing else matters. I go to work and restore my grasp on reality. And the next day it’s a ride on the empty first bus out of the city and back, talking, sharing his headphones and his heartbreaking playlist. And the next it’s just us going on a walk and it’s as if he’s bragging that he’s able to evoke the same excruciating feeling all by himself. And the next he texts he’s busy. I know perfectly well what that means. I feel like I could help – poke fun at the ugliness he can’t stand. But I’m not allowed to. I sit around and I wonder, what even is it that I’m bringing to the table. I wonder if he only wants me to be a listener.”

“When he’s back, falling asleep in my arms, I’m not happy, I’m literally crying with relief that this time it all worked out. And I want to fucking chain him to the bed.” Geoff started struggling with the lighter, avoiding eye contact.

“Ry’s even weirder than I thought…” Gus was frowning. “You shouldn’t let you guys… trip so much. You’re actually uniquely qualified to be his partner, because you can understand that, but you are not like that. Hold on to your sense of humor, bud. Don’t just listen. Make your days a little more normal, a little more… conventionally fun? Hmm?”

“That would be like cutting down on heroin.”

“Well, you somehow got your actual drinking under control, I believe you could do metaphorical heroin.”

Geoff stayed thoughtful for a few seconds. Then a smile spread across his face. “You know, I probably can. Yeah! He likes Sunny, I didn’t think he would, but that’s a real good sign, isn’t it? Early morning Sunny and Ry in sweatpants at my place...”

“There you go,” Gus grinned. That simple idea had Geoff glowing, basically.

***

Jack had snapped out of a ‘tending to a drunk person’ routine and no longer had the slightest idea what to do. He brought a towel to dry Ryan’s hair with it and then just awkwardly draped it over his head. He handed Ryan a cup of tea and almost dropped it when icy fingers touched his.

He sat stock-still by the side of blanket-covered Ryan, panicking.

_God, what do I say? Now that he’s all serious and sad… I’ve never actually consoled him. I’ve never even hugged him of my own volition…_

In all truth, Ryan remained every bit as intimidating to him as he was the day they met.

Ryan shifted.

_Say something, or he’ll leave, you know him…_

“You… you were supposed to get back tomorrow.”

“I took a flight.”

“Why?”

“Wanted to be here. Not there.”

“Why?” No answer. “What happened to your arm?” Ryan heaved himself to his feet.

“Please, don’t go!” Jack caught his hand before he could stop himself. He stared at the side of Ryan’s face earnestly. “I might not always be able to find the right words, like you are, I might not be your closest friend, but I care more than you know,” he spluttered inarticulately, “I want to help!”

He watched Ryan turn, half-expecting a chilly response. Ryan looked like an unkind caricature of himself. Jack saw his empty blue eyes and pulled him back on the couch.

“It got sit on.”

“…By whom?”

“My brother.”

“…Intentionally?”

“I doubt that was the goal.”

“What was?”

“I didn’t know how much my mom missed me. It was to fix that most of all.”

“He never hits me. Just pins me down and hisses these things. I wish he would hit me instead.”

Ryan sounded synthetic and turned down to minimal volume. Jack was leaning in to hear him better. Transcribing his words didn’t necessarily mean understanding them.

“It wasn’t always like that.”

“Father wasn’t too subtle about picking me over Terry.”

“What did they think was going to happen. Mufasa and Scar… Named me second, switched it up… Then I switched it again myself…”

“Ry, please be more coherent…”

“It comes out of nowhere. It begins and ends abruptly.”

“I thought he had no reason to do it anymore.”

“I can’t believe I tried to beg. I can’t believe I opened my mouth at all. I regret every word.”

“It was such an ugly scene,” Ryan’s voice cracked, “such an ugly scene…”

“He said… ‘Be a fucking man for once. You can’t do anything but cut yourself’…”

“What?” Jack interrupted, “Ry, what?”

Ryan realized that wasn’t Geoff, realized what he just shared. He felt so gone that the thing didn’t even matter at the moment. He raised his left sleeve up.

Jack stared at his forearm, at the scars and the dark bruises blooming over them, unable to come up with something to say. “It’s over,” he repeated what he’d been whispering in the background.

“Yes, it is,” Ryan said sourly. “Geoff will get tired of me soon, everyone eventually does… There’s only so much charity work a person can handle.” Ryan put his face in hands. “It’s funny… I think the only way to make mom fine with me being away is to let her actually know me.” It seemed like he was about to dissipate.

Jack kneeled on the floor in front of him and gently pulled his hands away. He sat up and they were face to face.

“Ryan. There are ups and downs, but… Your ups are beautiful. Your downs are beautiful. You are beautiful.” He didn’t know where he got the courage to say that.

“Don’t…” Ryan squinted.

“That’s the truth.” Jack caressed his cheek and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. Jack didn’t expect him to, but Ryan suddenly responded. He welcomed any feeling he could have instead of hopeless devastation.

***

Geoff and Gus rolled out of the bar, arms on each other’s shoulders.

“Jesus,” Geoff commented on the rain, letting go of Gus, his breath huffing white. They ran to a cab.

Gus leaned on the back of the seat. “Why wasn’t Jack here?”

“Probably because he’s depressed as fuck. Like I was when a little Asian lady stole my friend. Or more.”

“Why isn’t he seeing anyone? He’s good-looking, as far as I can tell?”

“Yeah he is. Sucks at flirting, though… And he’s not ready to be open, that’s a major turn off… Puts him in a dating pool with real shallow people.” Geoff ruffled his hair, shivering. “Actually, maybe he is seeing someone. Either that or he’s doing drugs. He gets out of the house a lot to”, Geoff made air quotes, ‘take a walk’.”

“And you don’t give a shit? Are you that angry with him? He was probably just being dumb, same as me…”

Geoff sighed. “Right now? I’m not angry with him at all. He wants me to treat him as an adult… I don’t think his butt’s ready to cash that check though.” He looked at Gus. “Don’t tell him that.”

“Why? Would he throw a tantrum?”

Geoff wheezed out a giggle.

“He needs you, probably.”

“…Yeah. Fuck it, I’ll go be a good friend.” Geoff gave the driver his home address instead of Gus’.

Gus was looking forward to sharing a couple night caps with him. But that way, he could hope that all of them would be in a good place when he said the words to Ester, which made him feel at peace.

***

The memory was razor sharp in Jack’s mind as they were moving in parallel with it, only mirrored. He cradled Ryan and laid him down on the couch, like Ryan did with him. He felt their bodies pressed together and that was almost too electrifying to be pleasant.

He couldn’t believe what was happening. The last shreds of denial were taken away from him as he traced his fingers along cool soft skin under Ryan’s shirt.

It was terrifying, just as it was 7 years ago, because of how much it meant to him and how horrible it would be if they got caught.

He wasn’t too experienced, especially with playing the leading part, and he had come to think of himself as not a very sexual person in general. Girls felt too clean and guys felt too dirty. But as his hand was resting on Ryan’s hipbone, begging to slide in, about to move them past where they had been, his breath was becoming hectic.

“Please, tell me to stop… Please tell me to stop, because if you won’t…”

“I don’t want you to stop.”

***

Geoff unlocked the door quietly, just in case Jack was already asleep.

The apartment was dark. He heard Jack passionately say ‘I love you’ under his breath.

 _Now that’s an interesting development. Guess I should get out after all._ Geoff grabbed the door handle, grinning.

“Ryan, I love you…”

His hair stood up. _Okay, he’s not even in the city. He’s not the only person with that name, though this is really creepy._

Then he heard a moan that was unmistakably Ryan’s. His Ryan’s.

He took a step towards Jack’s bedroom. In the glass of his wardrobe he saw Ryan’s reflection, lit up with the moonlight. Sitting up on his knees, legs spread apart, chest heaving and head thrown back, his skin shining white, unbuttoned shirt covering his arms. A hand reaching from behind, stroking him, as his body was moving with the thrusts. Ryan lifted his head up and Geoff could see his flustered cheeks and swollen lips. Then it seemed like Ryan saw him, his eyes went round and he shuddered, hiding his face, horrifically embarrassed as he was helplessly spilling on himself.

Geoff backed away. The hail started to fall outside, masking the sound of the door lock.

***

Jack picked his t-shirt up from the floor to wipe Ryan’s stomach with it. “Thank you,” Ryan mouthed.

Ryan’s locks dried and were nicely framing his face. With the slight blush on his cheekbones, he looked alive again. And youthful, and vulnerable, and not scary at all. The hailstorm was in full force, car alarms blaring, constant drum on the sills, threatening to shatter the glass. The window was far enough from Jack’s bed. Everything was.

“What I said... that wasn’t… in the moment.”

Ryan turned to meet eyes with him, the tip of his nose brushing Jack’s.

“I don’t know how I’ve managed to lie to myself for so long. With you at the back of my mind, pushed there by a hundred excuses… I thought you’ve just… shown me the joy of being who I am. A guy who’s into other guys. But really, I’m a guy who’s into you.”

“I no longer have friends or a place to live. I’m a dead man walking. And I feel… enormous relief. Because I’m not confused anymore. Because I admitted it. Because I told you.” Ryan kissed his lips. “Be... cause you… pity me enough… to do… this…” Jack pulled Ryan closer by the small of his back. “Pick me. Pick me and let’s run,” he whispered treacherous words into Ryan’s mouth.

“Would that make you happy?”

“That would make me very happy. Betraying and abandoning Geoff, on the other hand, would make me miserable. But I already was miserable.”

“Do you have feelings for Geoff?”

“You stole my question.”

“Obviously, I do, but what about you?”

Jack’s heart jumped into his throat. “Obviously,” he repeated.

“When Geoff and I first met, you were jealous, weren’t you?”

“Maybe… of you…” Jack sighed shakily and closed his eyes. “I’m an idiot and a coward. I’ve missed my chance to be with you so long ago. And then I’ve missed my chance to be with Geoff.”

“Maybe this is your chance to be with the both of us.”

“What?”

“I want you, me and Geoff to be together.”

“What??”

“Are you trying to communicate a lack of understanding or just surprise at this point?”

“…How would that work?”

“What do you mean exactly? Living arrangements? Sex? I’m sure we can figure it out.”

“Is that… something you’ve been thinking about?”

“I’ve been considering it, yes,” Ryan lied.

“Does Geoff know?”

“I haven’t talked to him yet.”

“Why do you think he’d be… into that?”

“He’s pretty open-minded and I suspect he still likes you.”

Jack’s head was swimming. Ryan cupped his cheek.

“That’s the perfect solution, isn’t it?”

***

“Alexa, lights.”

Geoff put down the bag, filled with beer bought at a gas station, the only place selling alcohol at that hour.

“Alexa, lights, you bitch!”

It worked. Geoff undressed, discarding everything besides his tank top and boxer briefs on the floor. Ryan’s puffed up jacket was hanging by the door. Geoff hugged it.

_Why are you doing this, Ry…_

_‘So, my partner hooks up with someone…’_

Jesus, what a red flag that was.

_‘They have a bad time…’ If it looked like he was having a bad time, I would’ve choked the life out of you right then and there, Jack._

_‘They have a great time and prefer the person to me…’_

There were places Geoff didn’t let his mind go. He cracked open another beer and chugged it, drinking to forget.

_That’s so Jack… an ‘I love you’ right away… idiot… he doesn’t stand a chance…_

_I’m no better… I would let you fuck ten more of my friends before I would let you go…_

_What did you do that for, dummy? I’ll forgive you, of course I will, but you’re destroying my life…_

He needed to lie down.

And because the universe resented the idea of him having any amount of dignity, he was achingly horny.

_…Ryan pushed him to the bed and told him to get naked. Ryan took a box out of his nightstand and passed it to him. Ryan sat down in a chair, maintaining intense eye contact. “Toys. Mine. Now yours. Please yourself in front of me. Be vocal.” Ryan crossed his arms and legs, making himself decidedly unavailable._

_Geoff pulled his boxers off, staring at him. “Don’t threaten me with a good time.” He took a vibrator from the box and started rubbing it on himself. “You want to know what I beat off to?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Humiliating Ryan, high and mighty, who oh so loves to do that to me…” He bit his lip, turning his head to the side. “Ryan, whom I respect so much that… when the planets align and he lets me have him, I can’t ask him to get on all fours… though I really fucking want to… Gorgeous Ryan, covered in spunk and sweat… Majestic Ryan on his knees with his mouth open, waiting for me to cum on his tongue… Grand Ryan waving his ass in the air wantonly, whining for me… Proud Ryan distracting me from work just so he can bounce on my cock for a little while… That’s what gets me going”…_ Geoff’s back arched involuntarily.

***

At the crack of dawn, a cab was taking Ryan home, his forehead pressed to the back of the passenger seat, as it had been for what seemed like an eternity.

Affection poured out of Jack without restraint, in a way Ryan had never experienced. He had no concern for his image and he was so out of sorts, overjoyed and hurt simultaneously. He was undeniably genuine, and gentle, and kind. He had tried to kiss every bit of Ryan’s face, probably thinking that was his only chance to do that.

Not for a second did Ryan consider leaving Geoff. They were a done deal, wordlessly sworn for life, so much so that he couldn’t finish without seeing shadows morph into his figure.

When Ryan was about to go, Jack’s eyes were wet and desperate and Ryan hoped to God to never put that expression on somebody’s face again.

“Stop!”

“What, right here?”

“If possible, yes.”

The cab left him by the side of the road. He hunched over and put hands on his knees, waiting for a wave of nausea to pass.

He straightened up and concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other, pressing hailstones into the dirt. He could see his building in the distance. His shoulder was killing him. A part of him wished he had stayed with Jack, drinking in his kindness.

***

At home, Ryan was greeted with a cigarette smell, an array of beer cans and a Geoff, passed out on the couch.

He put away his and Geoff’s clothes, cleaned up the kitchen and sat next to Geoff, brushing his cheek with the back of his hand. Geoff turned to the other side, revealing a drool trail. Ryan wetted a paper towel and wiped his face with it.

He sneaked a pillow under Geoff’s head and nestled up to him. He intertwined their legs, their arms, their fingers, trusting Geoff to find an answer for them tomorrow.

***

Geoff peeled one of his eyes open to see Ryan’s face dug into the side of the pillow. He was laying on the very edge of the couch. Geoff wrapped arms around him to secure him from falling. “Huh?” he felt Ryan mumble into his neck.

“Ry… I had the most fucked up dream… I don’t fucking want to drink ever again…”

“What was it?”

“I don’t even want to say, you’d think I’m full of shit...”

“I doubt that.”

“How did we get here? What time is it? Did I miss the alarm? I was going to pick you up at the station...”

“I got back sooner. I thought you would be at Gus’, but this was a lovely surprise.”

“I guess I took the liberty and snuck into your place, sorry.”

“It’s perfectly fine. All mine is yours.”

Geoff smiled. “How did you know I was going to Gus’? Did I text you too? My phone died…”

“Jack told me.”

Geoff froze. “…You called him?”

“I went to your apartment.”

“When exactly did you get back?” Geoff squeezed his eyes shut.

“Yesterday evening. Geoffy… there’s something important I need to talk to you about.”

“Later.”

***

Geoff got out of the bathroom and found a set of Ryan’s clothes waiting for him on the couch. He hesitated for a moment, but put them on.

He sat down at the kitchen table and Ryan put a cup of coffee in front of him, thinking he needed to sober up, he seemed still drunk from last night.

“You wanted to talk.”

“The food’s not here yet,” Ryan said.

“Uh-huh.”

“Delivery will interrupt us.”

“Just start talking.”

Ryan looked a little lost. Then he said, “I have feelings for Jack.”

Geoff dropped his head on the table with a thud.

The doorbell rang. Ryan went to open.

“Mr. Haywood?”

“Hello.”

“Hello. Caesar salad, chef salad and a peperoni pizza.”

“Correct.”

“Sign here.”

The sound of glass shattering on the floor came from the apartment.

_Not in the mood for coffee, I guess._

“Ryan!!” Geoff yelled.

The delivery guy stared at him, eyes wide.

_Should not have ordered from your favorite place today._

“Thank you. Keep the change. Goodbye.” Ryan closed the door. He went to put the food at the usual spot on the table, but made a beeline and put it on the counter. “Be careful with the glass.”

Geoff raised his head. “You have feelings for him? Are you shitting me?”

“I want the three of us to be together.”

“Okay, I need a smoke.” Geoff jumped up and went to the window.

***

One, two, three cigarettes down.

“This is just… lunacy,” Geoff said finally. He was shaking with rage, yet contained it. “There’s no way you’ve thought this through. Have you not been sleeping? Because I don’t think your brain is working all that well at the moment.”

“I like him just fine, but… how could you possibly think that was the same thing? That relationship would never be equal, not on my part and not on his part, I’m certain. I know now what the real deal is like… but you don’t, you fucking don’t… You live pretending you are in a fucking movie... Everything so nice, everyone so nice… you keep around people who agree not to disrupt the esthetics of it, you bask in the feelings they have for you, you act sweetly to encourage that, but you don’t feel shit yourself!! Of course you never get jealous…”

“That’s not true… believe me, that’s not true…” Ryan tried to take Geoff’s hand.

“I came home last night. I saw you. That’s what I thought was the dream. I trusted you completely and the idea seemed grotesque. The worst part is… that is something I could forgive. Now you’re coming up with an excuse and that excuse is undermining everything you and I had… Are we fucking interchangeable to you…?”

“…I love you.”

“You are saying this to me now?? Now???” Geoff raised his voice. “Why did you think I wasn’t saying that? Because I wasn’t sure yet? I thought you were the love of my fucking life!! I thought saying that would possibly be as close as I’d ever get to a proposal and I… wanted it to be wonderful…” He put a hand over his eyes and sobbed. “I fucking hate you right now…”

Ryan’s image of a better life was shattering right in front of him, because of him. He stood there awkwardly, viscid everlasting silence separating him from Geoff.

Ryan was starting to realize how moronic his plan was, but even that thought wasn’t well-defined in his head. People were resolutely pulling him in different directions, leaving him awfully confused. He wanted to ask Geoff for help and he was searching for the words in a frenzy. Geoff came to stand closer to him and Ryan leaned into his touch. Geoff saw a bruise on his neck. “…is that a fucking hickie?”

The idea that Jack would be arrogant enough to do that churned his stomach.

His anger got uncontrollable. He grabbed Ryan’s wrists and shook him. “So did you enjoy yourself? How were you feeling when I got to find Jack balls deep in you?”

Ryan glanced at him and looked away, alarmed with his expression.

“Guess I did make you better! Now you can fuck anyone you want any way you want and that’s great, isn’t it?” Geoff turned Ryan around. He was rock hard. Yesterday’s picture was driving him out of his mind.

“Please, just calm down… I… don’t know what your safe place is, I didn’t create one for you, I know I suck, but please… go there… Geoffy… I do love you, truly, please…”

“Shut the fuck up. Stop pretending this thing is what it’s not. Let’s just find out who you like better,” he undid Ryan’s pants.

“You’re insane, Geoffy, you’re being insane… I was, now you are…”

Geoff wasn’t talking anymore. He bit Ryan’s neck, grinding on him, shoving one hand down his boxers and another into his mouth.

“Geowwy… Please, not now…”

Geoff dropped his pants down, spit on his hand and aligned himself.

Ryan tried to get into it, he really did, but it was too painful even for him. He turned, forcefully pushed Geoff away, climbed on the sill and jumped out the window.

***

Geoff ended up on the floor, butt naked.

In the harshest manner, he deviated from the code he held on to for dozens of encounters, code he thought to be innate. He was startled with himself.

 _What did I just do? Oh God, what did I just do? I…_ He punched himself in the face.

He pulled his pants up. He grabbed his phone and dialed Ryan’s number. Ryan’s phone rang on the arm of the couch. “Shit… Shiiit!!!” he screamed.

He was crying. _It… actually was reparable before… The family, Jack, me… he’s losing his mind somewhere at this very moment… and I can do nothing..._

Ryan’s phone beeped.

**Jack: What you said… is never going to happen. I don’t believe you’ve been thinking about that. Ry, all of this was a mistake. Don’t pitch the polyamory idea to Geoff. Just say I took advantage of your vulnerable state, that’s pretty much it. I am so, so sorry. I know you love him a hundred times more. It was nice, but crazy of you to try make everyone happy. If you still don’t see that, I’m begging you, take some time to recover, because you will, as soon as you start thinking straight. What I did is for me to live with. I’m on the train home. I don’t know if I will be allowed to see you when I come back. I love you with all of my heart, Ry. Please, be well.**

***

Ryan didn’t know where he was going, just kept running farther and farther along walkways. He was getting lightheaded, but couldn’t stop moving. Eventually, his knees gave out and he collapsed on the street.

He got back to a medic shining a flashlight into his eyes, a bunch of people hovering over.

“Name?”

He used to have a nightmare that started just like that. He got up and tried to run away. He was quickly chased down, his arms were grabbed by someone and brought behind his back. He fell to his knees. “Why does this keep happening to me…” he let out, swallowing tears.

***                        

Burnie’s kitchen was cozy and warm and filled with appetizing smells as he was fixing up a lovely Sunday dinner for two. Mostly comfort food, nothing sophisticated besides maybe a cream soup with field mushrooms.

He sat down at the table, put his feet on it and his arms behind his head, turning attention to the Fifth Gear reruns on the TV. The phone rang in his pocket.

“Hello?” He greeted gleefully.

“Hello. Mr. Michael Burns?”

“Yes?” He expected the person to be a telemarketer and was prepared to be refreshingly nice to them.

“Sacred Heart Hospital. You are listed as the emergency contact for James Haywood. He was recently admitted.”

He sat up. “What happened?”

“Psychotic episode. He had other injuries, so the ambulance brought him here. That was the name he gave us, but he doesn’t have any ID, if you could get that, it would save us a lot of trouble.”

“…I… can’t, not before I see him. He needs to tell me where it is.”

“Okay… Mr. Burns, how soon can you be here?”

“Less than an hour.”

“Go to the nurse desk on the 7th floor. This is a little unconventional, but I’ll sneak you in.”

“Okay.”

The lady hung up.

He started turning the burners off. In a way, he always knew it would come to this.

***

Burnie stared at Ryan from the doorway of the ward. Ryan was in a hospital gown, bracelets on his arms and legs. Burnie could only see one side of his face. Ryan never cried around him before, but at the moment he looked like he got pepper-sprayed.

Burnie turned back.

“Is that not him?” The nurse asked.

“Why is he restrained…”

“We have reason to believe he is a threat to himself.”

“What reason…” Burnie had some ideas.

“I’m not at liberty to say until it’s proven that this is Mr. Haywood and you are entitled to that information.”

“Okay. I’ll get on that in just a moment,” Burnie closed his eyes.

***

“Hey…”

Ryan kept staring out the window.

“J? J, look at me, okay?”

Ryan turned. “Burnie…”

“Yeah.”

“Why would you be here…”

“I’m still your emergency contact.” He glanced at Ryan’s left arm that was showing in between the bracelet and the sleeve. He carefully adjusted the blanket.

“Oh… right… I forgot… could’ve spared you… I’m so sorry… how are you?”

A wave of affection passed through him. _Only you would ask that right now…_

“J, you need to tell me how to get your ID.”

“…I guess you could only call Geoff.”

“Do you remember the number? You usually do… recall it for me?”

Ryan listed the figures as Burnie was putting them into his phone.

Burnie saved the contact and looked up. He’d missed seeing his face so much.

“Okay. I’ll return soon. Just sit tight, okay?”

Ryan turned back to the window.

***

“Hello, am I talking to Geoff?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know James Haywood?”

“Yes, who are you? Why are you calling me?”

“My name is Burnie.”

“That answered literally nothing, dude. Why are you calling me? What’s going on?”

“James is in the hospital and they need his ID. He said you would know where it is.”

“…What happened?”

“Psychotic episode. All they said.”

“…Where is he?”

“Sacred heart.”

“You there?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. I’ll bring it. I’ll call you back.”

***

“There’s absolutely no way for me to see him again?” Burnie asked.

“Not before the psychiatric evaluation. It’s scheduled for tomorrow.”

“This is bullshit! Let the motherfucker in! Or better, let me in!” Geoff took his wallet.

“Mr. Ramsey, we’ve been through this. Even after the evaluation, they will only let Mr. Burns to visit. Mr. Haywood has specific instructions in his file, there’s a list of names and yours is not included.”

“Can Mr. Haywood change that?”

“Not until he’s declared sane.”

“Can he change that?” Geoff pointed at Burnie.

“No.”

“Want a huge tip?”

“Mr. Ramsey, if you are offering me a bribe, you’re committing a crime.”

“Fuck this.” Geoff started walking down the hall to the ward without permission. Hospital attendants took after him.

“Ry!! Can you hear me?! We will get through this! Please, forgive me! Ryan!!!” He yelled, as he was being dragged away.

***

Geoff and Burnie were at the parking lot, Geoff smoking one cigarette after another.

“I’m guessing, you are the boyfriend.”

“And you are the ex.”

“You’re kind of a hothead, aren’t you?”

“What’s your point, dude?”

“’Forgive me’, huh? Care to explain why his arms are bruised and why he has a broken collarbone? And if you have a good explanation, I suggest you get less hostile right about now, because I might hit you anyway if you won’t.”

“Broken… collarbone?” Geoff went pale as he was remembering how exactly he grabbed Ryan. "That... couldn't possibly have been me..."

Burnie punched him, twice. Geoff just took it.

"A couple more, maybe?" He asked, spitting blood.

"What?"

"Hit me more, dude!! I deserve it!!!”

Burnie kicked him in the gut with his knee and Geoff fell on the pavement, breathless. Burnie reached and grabbed him by the hair.

“I’ve wormed my way into his life, though I knew I could lash out some day... I made him feel safe around me and then fucked up when it was most important not to... Just because he cheated... I'm a fucking snake... But I swear it was nowhere near broken bones bad... not near bruises bad... he just went to see his family... something must've happened there... And I didn’t even ask…"

That sounded very believable. Burnie knew what dealing with Ryan could be like. Though Geoff wasn't showing it most of the time, Burnie could hear his desperation when he was yelling in the hallway and at that very moment, too.

"...I think that was enough." He let go.

Geoff got up, checked his nose and teeth and wiped his face with a sleeve. "Didn't even break anything. Pussy."

Burnie sighed. _The only other person who knows what I’m going through… Couldn’t have been someone nice, now could it…_

***

Geoff was sitting back on the ground, hunched down. “How was he when you came to see him?”

“…Sad… calm... Loopy.”

“On a ton of drugs, I would imagine…”

“Yeah.”

“What if he tries to hurt himself? Are they watching?”

“Not directly, but he’s… fully restrained.”

“Tied to the bed?”

Burnie nodded.

“I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. But I know it’s certainly not making him feel better.”

Burnie was thinking the same thing. His phone rang.

When he got off the phone, he turned to Geoff. “My girlfriend will be here to pick me up in a few. We’ll give you a ride home, okay?”

Geoff didn’t say anything.

“You can go back to being a dick if you want. To me, not to her. Deal?”

“You’re taking all the fun out of it…” Geoff mumbled.

***

They got in the car.

“Hello, Geoff, right? I’m Ashley.” She turned to the back seat and extended a hand.

Geoff shook it.

She observed his face, then Burnie’s knuckles and gave him a look. Burnie knew he was getting a talking to later.

***

Geoff got home. He walked into Jack’s bedroom. Some of Jack’s stuff was gone.

He actually hoped Jack would somehow still be there. Someone to yell at. Someone to eventually talk to. But Jack fucked off. He fucked Ryan and fucked off, sparing himself all of the aftermath.

Geoff sat on the bed and jumped back up, realizing what happened there less than a day ago. He suddenly felt energetic again and went to get his golf club. When he returned, he started with swinging it into Jack’s monitor. That was incredibly satisfying, so was fucking up the rest of the devices Jack left behind, his shelves, his DVDs, and finally, the glass on the rail doors of his wardrobe. The club was from GTA V, something that wasn’t even on the open market, a present Ryan gave him when he found out he’d missed his birthday. Such an awesome present.

***

_There’s no way I’ll pass that evaluation tomorrow… Just the scars alone... Was Burnie really here? I should’ve apologized to him for everything, even if he wasn’t…. So what now? Involuntary hospitalization... Drugs… Therapy… I’ll have to listen… I’ll have to talk, if I want to get out… Giving them instruments to make the listening hurt more… What’s even the point… I’m a burden, I will always be… The big disappointment… Mom had a plan for me… Father had a plan for me… If they were rational, they would wish I was never born… Geoff had a plan for me and… look what it did to him… What I did to him… ‘We will get through this’… My wishful thinking is out of control, I actually do hallucinate now… Which means I belong here and wherever I’m sent tomorrow… I’ll have no freedom, no way to choose what to do… I’ll never get out of there and if I will it won’t be me…_

_It’ll be me._

_That’s your opportunity, huh… To fully become a piece of shit…_

_I think so, yes. At least I won’t be pathetic. And you’ll be the silent observer now. All the time you spent on books and music and walking your pet boyfriend I’ll spend honing the useful skills you have, the profitable skills you have. Trust me, I will not disappoint. I will take over the company and both the dad and the brother will eventually eat shit._

_You’re delusional… I’m nowhere near that good…_

_You could be. I will be._

_What the fuck is even happening…_

_You’re changing. Or more like, you are kind of dying. I won’t act like you, I won’t even look like you in a year. I will kick your fucking Geoff to the curb and marry Meg and she will live the life your mother lives. I will steer the company away from that old-ass bullshit your father’s been doing and build a trans-national IT corporation. I’ll buy grandpa’s house he hated so much and James will end his days there. And scary Terry will be working for me for the rest of his life._

Ryan started twisting his hand in the bracelet, trying to get a hold of the straps.

_Uh huh, good luck with that._

_You don’t remember, do you…_

_What?_

_Did some research after Burnie threatened to admit me…_

_What??_

Ryan managed to pull on the strap and started dragging his hand towards himself with all of his strength, leaving the bracelet on, ignoring the pain in his shoulder. Dark spots obstructed his vision, but he felt the straps give in.

He untied his other arm and his legs, got out of the bed, picked up the bedside table and smashed the window with it. The alarm went off and some of the other patients started screaming. He took a sharp piece of glass and shoved it into the inner side of his left elbow, dragging it towards the wrist as far as he could. The room turned and he was just there on the floor, watching blood sprinkle onto the wall with every heartbeat.

He felt like he had won.


	8. Tool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel Sanctuary - Setsuna's Theme

_Bunny ears, Bunny ears, playing by a tree. Criss-crossed the tree, trying to catch me… jumped into the hole… popped out the other side beautiful and bold…_

Shoelaces done.

_Keys, wallet… Where’s my phone…_

Elevator buttons panel. The ground was escaping from under Geoff’s feet. Literally.

A river of white and, on the other side of the road, red, leaving blurry trails in his misty eyes.

A pair of lights approaching, blinking at him, slowing down.

Door. He kept trying to move up the handle with his stiff, disobedient fingers. He was supposed to pull on it. Burnie got out of the car and opened the door for him, covering his head as he was getting in, like policemen do with arrestees.

Burnie’s hand, a spider on a frying pan, jumping frantically until Ashley covered it with her own at a stop sign, ceasing its movement.

“He was in the hospital. They took him to the OR immediately.”

“I would’ve had a completely different life if it wasn’t for him… I owe him… I hope you know I love you more than anything, baby, but I still care…”

“I know, don’t worry about that. I care too. Someone you’ve been with for so long must be great. I’m just trying to stay calm. I’m driving.”

Another couple’s private space, accidentally uncovered.

The parking lot. The hospital. The room. The uncertainty room.

***

Upon entering it, patients’ loved ones left the usual passage of time behind. They rotated around the nurse desk like planets around the sun, asking for news every year. Burnie set the duration of their cycle to half an hour. He would come back with nothing, and after his monotonous explanations, Ashley would cast a sidelong glance at Geoff, in search of brief eye contact and a nod.

All of that was pointless, but the two of them maintained an illusion of control for each other. They were a team and they were going to survive what was happening.

Every relevant chain of thought, Geoff had to interrupt when it got too hurtful, up until he ran out of those. It was impossible to think of anything else, it was impossible to make sense of this, and he froze, biting the inside of his cheek, tense to a shaking point.

“Geoff, here,” Ashley handed him a pill, “don’t swallow, just put it on your tongue. You’ll feel a little bit better in five minutes.”

And in five minutes, one thing became abundantly clear. He was never going to let himself see the face of his beloved become nothing but yellowish paper-thin skin sinking onto the skull. If this was all, it was all. The lock at the end of every chain opened and hope no longer felt like too much to bear.

The wall of the room, the one opposing the entrance, was already so familiar that when he closed his eyes, he could still see it. From Jack London’s Star Rover, he remembered a technique… Motionless, you kill off your body parts one by one, starting with the toes. That wave of numbness held when he breathed in and went further when he breathed out. After it reached the tips of his hair, every exhalation would lift him over his own body, and his eyelids trembled from trying to not just feel, but see that elevation. He wilfully stopped the trembling. He could sense where he was.

A movement, a flight towards and through the wall, crossing dark supply closets, staffrooms, empty or not, and finally, finally, at the center of a large sterile space, Ryan. He was in an oxygen mask, his left forearm was all open, and people in green scrubs were working on closing it. Geoff got on the other side and touched his right, the guilty party, trying to abate that impulse once and for all.

He really felt it – fingers squeezing back. An explosion of affection struck him, charged like a defibrillator. His fist clenched.

“Ow, Geoff!” he heard Ashley’s voice and let go.

The air turned into water, its current taking him back to circle the drain and get stuck on a clog of skin cells and hair in the pipe.

***

A doctor came from the operating block and proceeded to the desk, followed by so many eyes. She called out Burnie’s last name and Geoff suddenly wanted to ask, _can we do a rain check?_

He couldn’t hear them.

_Just another day of not knowing? One day?_

Burnie put a hand behind his back and showed a thumbs-up.

Then and only then, Geoff lost it. He wept loudly, unseemly, distressing everyone around. Ashley pulled him into a hug, stroking his back. “He’s still here… hush…” As soon as he could, Geoff got out of it – it propelled him into being genuine and his genuine self felt like crying his eyes out. There were other people waiting, possibly, for worse news. He let out a few more ugly sobs, leveled his breathing and jolted his head up. “I can’t believe Ry’s ex’s girlfriend is consoling me… You are a lovely person, Ashley.” She took his hand again and he didn’t object.

“Why do you call him Ry?” Ashley asked.

“Ryan is his middle name, he prefers it now…”

“Okay.”

Burnie returned. “So…” He glanced at their interlocked fingers.

“If you just reiterated what the doctor told you, I would appreciate it greatly,” Geoff said.

Burnie heard Ryan’s influence loud and clear in the way Geoff spoke.

“The cut was between the middle of his left forearm and the inner side of his elbow. It severed the radial artery and the… vein I… sorry, forgot the name of,” he took a breath. “…damaged the median nerve. He lost twenty percent of his blood. He got a large transfusion and they don’t know how he will react to that yet, but in most cases, it’s not life-threatening. They tried to minimize nerve damage. What he did mostly affects his thumb and ability to grip. If he will be able to regain that through physical therapy is unclear so far. They fixed his dislocated collar bone, though those get no cast and take a while to mend.”

“Unofficially, she also said that the evaluation is now a formality. As soon as he gets better, he will be transferred to a specialized mental health facility, voluntarily or not.”

***

“Uh-oh,” Jack’s dad tried and failed to start the car three times.

Jack picked up his backpack and opened the door, getting out.

“Wa-wa-wait, buddy, I’m just messing with you!”

“The old gal might not look like much, but I’ve recently rebuilt the engine. Listen to it purr,” he turned the ignition key all the way.

“Your mom said that one doesn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I guess that means I shouldn’t ask you any questions. Oh, and there's,” Dale turned to the back seat, searching for something, holding the wheel in place with his knees, “snacks.” He pulled one sandwich out and put the bag on Jack’s lap.

The knee-wheeling thing was another provocation – Jack wasn’t used to the casual countryside style of driving anymore and Dale enjoyed freaking him out with it. He didn’t get a reaction that time.

As they were driving down the painfully familiar path, Jack noticed the abnormal amount of lit windows. His dad making a trip to the train station after midnight was probably the event of the month for these people. _We won’t hear the end of it_ , Jack thought with hollow annoyance.

They stopped and Jack went to open the gate. A couple particularly nosy neighbors were lingering around. He did the necessary hellos and sorrys. He idly dragged his fingers over the metallic net of the fence afterwards. For a moment, it really felt like he was only there because he had nowhere else to go.

But inside the fence, there was a house, inside the house, there was a room, inside the room, there was a table with three generations of his family gathered around it. Everyone’s cheeks were red – his mom’s from cooking, his pop’s from drinking and his little brother’s from running around after getting an excuse not to go to sleep.

As if on an actual holiday, there was an abundance of food, the kind Jack would hesitate to admit liking, yet enjoyed the most. And nobody questioned his sudden appearance, nobody mentioned work or school, or any of the other common worries of a Monday morning, which was rapidly approaching.

The feeling of having a home where people missed you, but weren’t in need of you, was unfamiliar to his friends from the capital. He had almost forgotten it himself.

***

After a collaborative effort to clean the dishes and make the beds, they were all back in the living room, Jack and Tommy in a rocking chair by the fireplace, Dale still entertaining at the table.

It was an uncommon thing, a nearly twenty year gap between kids, it invited all kinds of ‘empty nest’ jokes, not that Jack would make them, though Dale and Helen couldn’t be bothered less. Having another child had always been a conversation, they kept postponing, and after Jack moved, started trying again and Tommy happened.

Jack recalled holding the newborn baby vividly – it didn’t weird him out or anything, it was both cute and gross, but mostly cute. They didn’t really have a relationship yet, with him visiting once in six months. He hadn’t really adjusted to even having a brother yet, he never talked about Tommy.

He wondered how old Ryan was when that shit he mentioned started. He patted Tommy’s head, his own full of wordless promises.

***

In his bedroom, he was lying awake on a folding bed, since his actual one was occupied by a 7-year-old.

He had no transgressions on his record before. Even as a teenager, he was easy-going, benign, always ready to sacrifice his own wishes for everybody’s comfort. His life revolved around others – they brought problems to solve, expectations to fulfill, they said ‘please’ and then they said ‘thank you’, and that made him happy.

He kept his dislike of the place a secret and if his parents hadn’t supported him in the idea of uni, he would’ve stayed. He never knew what it was like to truly want something for himself.

He imagined having Ryan with him there. The idea was – Ryan, now that he had opened up a bit, is so disarming that no one in his family could possibly bring theirself to hate him. They would’ve let Jack be gay, as long as it was for him. Jack felt the same way.

It took all of the things good and right in him to come up with that message, sitting unanswered on his phone. As selfless as it was meant to be, there was still a hope for a reward he couldn’t extinguish.

And he checked again.

**Geoff: Come back now or don’t come back at all.**

***

“Dad, you don’t have to… You have work tomorrow... today…”

As soon as Jack, drowning in apologies, announced that he was leaving, Dale got up and went to the bathroom.

“I don’t! I took a day off and I made a call for Tommy when you texted.” He showed up with a toothbrush in his mouth. “So we can do whatever we want. And I want to keep my son company in his travels,” he switched to brushing his tongue and gagged.

***

In the beginning of a long walk to the train station, they were busy with arguing over who should carry Jack’s backpack, predictably settling on splitting it fifty-fifty. Then they were mostly silent.

It was cold and dark and Jack was glad Dale was there.

“Dad, I know I say it a lot, but this time I especially mean it. You’re so great. I love you.”

“I love you too, buddy,” he beamed and put his arm over Jack’s shoulders.

“My friends think I’m immature. I probably am, because I haven’t been miserable enough. That’s on you.”

Dale laughed.

“I know girl trouble when I see it. I’ve had plenty with your mom. And your grandfather, bless his soul, wasn’t too understanding. He didn’t want me to be a buffoon. But I am and it’s apparently okay. She likes it. What I’m saying is, basically, that you don’t have to worry about acting weird or inconveniencing us. You can tell me.”

_No, I can’t._

Dale didn’t push.

His parting words were, “We’re not a grand family by any means, but we are a happy one.”

_…That’s exactly why I can’t. Geoff, Ry, they have nothing to lose. I do._

***

Geoff woke up on the couch, still in Ryan’s clothes, holding Ryan’s pillow. The short early spring day passed without him catching a glimpse of the sun. He drank through the night and morning. When his alarm went off, he put the phone in silent mode. He couldn’t fathom how it could be ringing again. He reached for it and the ringing stopped. He reluctantly unlocked the screen anyway.

1 call from Jack.

2 calls from Ashley.

6 calls from Matt.

2 calls from the office.

Geoff started browsing through his messages with one eye open.

**Burnie: He’s stable. No news.**

_Okay…_

**Matt: how late will you be?**

**Matt: postponing the meeting**

**Matt: starting without you**

**Matt: you do realize you are supposed to be at work at a certain time? You can pick what that time is, but you don’t get to ignore your own schedule**

**Matt: this is not okay**

**Matt: call me back**

**Matt: Geoff, you can’t just disappear like this. This is actually a valid reason for dismissal.**

It was the end of the workday. Geoff sat up and took a swig of whiskey. That made his stomach clench as if he was about to throw up, but he just went into a coughing fit and then called Matt.

“Geoff! You are supposed to be here right now, you know that?” Geoff could hear people talking next to Matt, he was still at the office.

“I’m not coming in for a while and if you want to fire me for that, fire me.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No.”

“Wait a sec…” Matt walked out of the meeting and closed the door behind him.

“Alright. Geoff?”

“Here.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Family trouble.”

“Geoff… if something happened to a family member of yours, you could legally take a leave of absence, get financial help.”

“…I don’t think this situation qualifies.”

“Maybe you should consult with HR?”

“No.” Even if it did, Ryan was a nobody to him on paper.

“Hmm. Your vacation is scheduled for next month… we could move it to today. You’ll have three weeks. You can sign everything later.” That meant that the tasks planned for Geoff would still be done in time for the next release; only a mild inconvenience, incomparable with firing him.

“Thank you so much, Matt.”

“But Geoff, please be understanding of me as well. There’s a plan and a budget… You really can’t do something like this again.”

“Understood.” Geoff hung up. He wasn’t even really relieved, he hardly gave a shit at the moment. He got back to the messages.

**Gus: Hey! How are the doggos?**

“Fuuuck…” He could ditch work, but not that. The idea of going somewhere in his current state made him want to cry.

The phone rang again and he stared at it stupidly, then realized that was Ryan’s, not his. The call ended by the time he got to it. Geoff went through the same process.

2 calls from Matt.

5 calls from Jack.

**Jack: I’m so sorry to bother you, I’m probably waking you up, but Geoff just texted me to come back now or not come back at all.**

_Did he?_ Geoff checked his outgoing messages. _Yes, he did, dumb drunk cunt._

**Jack: Should I? What happened?**

**Jack: Ry?** **If there’s a chance he’ll forgive me…**

**Jack: I need to see you first. Please, Ry.**

As he was reading that, a new message popped up.

**Jack: I’m downstairs. Please, Ry, answer me. Are you home? Are you okay?**

***

Geoff heard a knock on the front door. _Go away._

A minute later, the door unlocked and he saw Jack come in.

“You have the fucking code.” Geoff rubbed his face with his hands.

“…Geoff??”

“Yes, honey. Expected to see someone else?”

“I…”

“Oh, I know,” he dangled Ryan’s phone.

“What happened to your face?”

Geoff flipped him off.

Jack closed the door and slowly walked in, observing the place. He saw the whiskey bottles, the broken glass on the floor surrounding a dark dry stain. The bathroom was open and Ryan was definitely not there.

“Geoff, what happened here? Where is Ryan? Why do you have his phone?”

Geoff dropped his head at ‘where is Ryan’. It felt like a sharp strike of pain and he let out a long breath.

“Geoff… I can’t even begin to apologize…” Jack took a tentative step to the couch.

“Dude, don’t fucking get anywhere near me.”

“I am so sorry, I can explain…”

“It doesn’t matter!!!” Geoff yelled, standing up so quickly that he saw stars in his eyes and staggered.

“Geoffrey, you look horrible, please let me help…”

“You want to help?” He reached into his pocket and grabbed a bunch of keys. He dropped his own on the couch and forcefully threw Gus’ at Jack, hitting him in the shoulder. “Here!! Go take care of the fucking dogs!”

Jack hunched, rubbing his shoulder, and picked the keys up from the floor. “Okay, I will. For the whole time. Anything else?”

Geoff pointed at the door.

“You told me to get back...”

“I was drunk. Time for you to fuck off again.”

“Sorry… I can’t leave until you tell me where Ryan is.”

Geoff grabbed his phone, shaking, and sent Burnie’s number to Jack. “Call him. He’ll tell you. Now, seriously, get out, Jack, for your own sake.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

***

Jack was running up the stairwell.

At first, it seemed like the panic he felt would carry him all the way up to the roof. It lasted for ten stories, then he had to slow down. He had to leave his backpack on the fifteenth floor, in order to keep moving.

He climbed out of the hatch and just stayed laying on the surface, sprawled.

When he could control his legs, he got up.

Between the leafless trees and the dark-brown soil, the view was nothing like what Geoff had described.

He kept squeezing the phone in his sweaty hand.

“…Ry?”

“…No.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, who am I talking to?”

“My name is Burnie, I’m a friend of J’s… Ryan’s.”

“I’m Jack, same here… Geoff gave me your contact. I wanted to know where Ryan was. He told me to call this number.”

“I see.”

“Will you tell me? Do you know what happened? He’s not home…”

“Jack, I’m sorry, but I have no idea if you’re really his friend and I can’t share that with just anybody.”

“Is Ryan with you?”

“No.”

“Please, I’m losing my mind here… Why would I lie?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you are his father’s assistant. Maybe you are a journalist.”

“A journalist?”

“Nevermind.”

“I have… pictures and videos with him and Geoff… Would that help? Please, I’m begging you…”

“Ask Geoff to confirm that I can talk to you.”

“I’ll text him… But I doubt he’d do it, he just drove me out of Ry’s place...”

“…Okay. If you meet me and show me those pictures, I’ll tell you.”

“Thank you! Thank you so much!”

***

“Hey…” Ashley smooched Burnie on the lips when he got in. Then gallantly offered to help him with the coat. He let her do it, chuckling slightly.

“Want a drink?”

“Or two.”

Ashley went to the kitchen and he followed her like a shadow. They settled on the couch afterwards.

“Did Jack turn out to be a friend?”

“Close one. I told him everything.”

“How did he take it? …Baby?”

“He cried. The waiter refused to take our money, said the drinks were on him. So… you can imagine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah… He’s such a nice guy. He came to J’s place to check on him and Geoff just gave him my number and told him to get out. Didn’t ask me. Couldn’t even be bothered to confirm to me that Jack was who he said he was. What a fucking asshole.”

“Maybe there’s more to him. He’s obviously clever. And he obviously loves Ryan.”

“My condolences then. It will never be mutual.”

Burnie put the glass down on the coffee table and sat there, crestfallen, leaning on his knees with his elbows.

“…Baby, you can talk to me.”

“Is it really a good idea to talk about my ex?”

“Of course not. It’s much better to create an air of mystery around him, so I get to wonder... Who is this person you spent half of your adult life with? Why is he a sore subject not just for you, but for your friends? It’s not like you’ve managed to avoid talking about him entirely. You said he basically got you from working at a GameStop to a career in motion design. You said you owe him. Miles mentioned that he’s some kind of modern royalty.”

“That’s his theory.”

“What’s yours?”

“He was genetically engineered by an alien species to infiltrate the human society and collect the knowledge.”

Ashley put her head on Burnie’s shoulder, waiting for more, watching the second hand of their wall clock spin around. “Please, don’t shut me off,” she eventually said.

Burnie had been on the other side of that deal so many times that his mouth opened immediately. “Baby, I don’t want to… It’s just – I’m not as understanding as you are, it’s difficult for me to keep myself in check when you talk about your previous relationships. This one still hurts and I’m afraid of you taking it the wrong way, since I might’ve, just based on the fact that it still hurts.”

“You know what my theory is?”

“No?”

“You’re insecure because of it. So I would like to know.”

“…I asked Jack to send me one of the photos he showed. Here.”

It was a picture of the three of them, taken on New Year’s Eve. Grumpy Jack was squeezed between Geoff who stuck his tongue out and Ryan who smiled widely and sincerely, little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. “This is Jack,” Burnie pointed. “This is J.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah…”

“So you saw that and went – ‘I guess I’m gay now’.”

Burnie smiled a bit. “I actually heard him first.”

“There was an argument at a bus stop… and two voices – one hoarse, inadequate, drawling curse words, the other… mild, apologetic. J cut the line, didn’t know there was such a thing. He was getting furiously heckled by this drunk asshole and I intervened. The bus left with the asshole in it. Then I turned and he’d walked away already, but it only made sense for the voice to belong to the guy I saw.”

“He has a tendency to dress in monochrome, shades of blue or gray, no patterns, no inscriptions, neither classical nor sporty, casual smart. And that,” Burnie pointed at the phone, “is actually shabby J, ‘nine years away from home’ J.”

“He wasn’t… flashy. It was the details. The lines were perfect, so was his hair, his skin, his shave. He pulled a cigarette from a port-cigar, which was the douchiest thing ever. The phone he held wasn’t out yet in this country. The more I looked, the more I realized – I’ve never seen a person like that in real life.”

“I wanted to back away, because I had no business being around that guy, just as he had no business being at a bus stop. But he met my eyes, and there was a certain liquidity, a mildness in his, like in his voice. He was a lot younger than he seemed to be from a distance. He looked like a kid dressed in grown-up clothes, lost and freezing.”

“He said he couldn’t afford a cab, but when I ordered one for him, he invited me along and split the cost with me. The apartment was huge and ritzy. His sweater was impossibly soft to the touch, which confirmed to me that what he was wearing probably cost more than six month of my rent. I was confused about his financial situation for a while.”

“Turns out, he had all the money in the world available to him, yet didn’t consider it to be his, started leading a very modest life. He didn’t even unpack in that apartment, rented for him by his family, and moved to a tiny cheap one, but new, clean. Slept on an air mattress on the floor. And he was kind of bummed out over getting a scholarship, though he knew he might need it later. Apparently, he wanted to give other people a fair chance and put intentionally wrong answers to questions involving subjects that weren’t in a basic high school curriculum.”

“What a freak, right?” Burnie turned to Ashley, blinking away a tear.

“I can see why you would fall for him,” Ashley brushed his cheek.

“I had his number and we were texting back and forth. I didn’t know how to date a guy. That football camp thing hadn’t really prepared me for it. A dinner and a movie seemed so awkward. One Saturday, I complained about the fact that all I had planned was a trip to a grocery store and a visit to the bank to pay my bills. He wanted to go with me and I thought that meant he liked me back.”

“Then I realized that he wanted to go because in his database, in between Greek mythology and Solfege, was a huge gap where all the normal stuff was supposed to be. I went from feeling like a simpleton to feeling like a creep. He was 17. I was 22 and the only person he knew around here. But he made a move again and I can’t say that I put up much of a fight.”

“I don’t want to call him easy, though it’s certainly not difficult to get to that level of interaction with him. The difficult comes later. It’s not easy to convince him to become a part of your life. You have to keep inviting him – yes, you’re wanted, no, you’re not overstaying your welcome, yes, you can ask me a personal question, no, I won’t mind.”

“A part of your life… mm-hm. You wake up a year later and realize that the opposite had happened. You have a better job, your tastes have evolved and your social circle had shrunk. The people still in it are undergoing a similar transition and they all like him so much that you develop a new appreciation for straight friends.”

“He was being superhuman. He was excelling at uni and in the meantime, filling in the blanks in his school education. He bought actual textbooks online, couldn’t get them at a regular library. He started with first grade and did all the assignments, so I got to see paper applique animal pictures made by an 18-year-old. Those looked cool and I tried doing it myself, to see how far I’d come. I hadn’t come too far.”

“He started wearing a large plaster on the inner side of his upper left arm. He said it was there so an accidental water burn would heal better. I believed him, because I’m a dumbass, even though it was there for a while.”

“He came over unplanned in the middle of the night, his pupils the size of saucers, and under his shirt was just cut-up, bleeding skin. I freaked out – I knew nothing about that kind of thing. I yelled. He tried to leave and I wouldn’t let him. He broke up with me; I let him leave then.”

“…A couple month in, I already thought – well, this is my life. I’m a brother of a Night’s Watch. I shall take no wife and father no children. And he just said – I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“I spammed his phone with apologies, heartfelt. He didn’t respond. Then I read up on self-harm and honestly, that didn’t help me. I disagreed with the advice, with the idea of accepting it – it’s fucking lunacy and it’s not okay and what you need to do is take the person out of that fucked-up headspace. But I did eventually text him in that annoying all-accepting manner and he answered. Weird… I don’t think he could see through it, for once.”

“I asked him about sexual fantasies. He said he wanted me to hurt him, like, actually make him feel pain. That went against every fiber of me, and considering what he was doing to himself it was a no, God no. I physically couldn’t stay excited when looking at his arm, and I did a really dumb thing – asked him to wear a shirt in bed.”

“I’m sure he had no trouble finding people who would do what he wanted. He was cheating on me, from the start, I think, though I refused to believe it for the longest time. Should I have said, ‘exclusive’? Would that have changed anything?”

“His parents came to visit and cut him off completely when he refused to work for his father. He had to stay with me then, but he didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to…” Burnie sighed. “Right then and there I secretly knew we weren’t going to last.”

“J is nice, J is attentive, J is romantic. Because he thinks that’s the proper way to do it, not because he wants you; he assumes you’re doing the same thing. He doesn’t want anyone, doesn’t need anyone, really. He’s curious about you at first, but he quickly learns who you are and then you become predictable. So predictable that you could as well just shut up.”

“And the thing is – he can’t not know, right? That he’s that much smarter than you, than people in general? He pretends not to know, and if you ask him, he will say all the right things – ‘What is smart? How is that determined, what is the criteria? What’s even the point of trying to evaluate people in that manner? Everyone has a strong suit, and you are great because of this and that’. Again, that’s what he’s supposed to say.”

“Shying away from his looks, from his level of education, from the family money… There’s an impenetrable wall you hit when trying to get close to him, and I can guess what’s behind it. The part that knows. The part that smells your farts. The part that is actually capable of getting angry. I saw it once. He picked me up, I was drunk, and I said that I wished I’d never met him. I kept asking him to tell me that he loved me like he meant it and then I said I was fed up. Then I asked… if he’d been around enough to find a guy who would… act nice and not mind the cutting simultaneously… he was speeding more and more. I came to my senses, tried to calm him down, he wouldn’t listen. It was… scary. He took a sharp turn and we drifted and landed in a pile of snow on the side of the road – if it wasn’t there, we would’ve overturned. I bumped my head and I was bleeding and the usual J was suddenly back. He called a cab and took me to the emergency room, he had my car pulled and fixed, he apologized and apologized, but… I finally broke up with him.”

“I broke up with him and I was checking on him every day, I was inviting him to come over – wanted to stay in touch and made that very clear.”

“He tolerated me for a couple more months and then he disappeared. Left me and our friends, who were more his than mine at that point, behind. Cold turkey – no number, no address, nothing. Sayonara, thanks for the six years.”

“Miles will talk about him because Miles didn’t know him for that long. Gray, Josh won’t. He is a sore subject. The way he left them was even worse than the way he left me – I was the reason, they were a consequence. It doesn’t feel great, finding out that to a person you considered to be your closest friend you were a disposable accessory.”

“So baby, believe me, I don’t want him back. I want him better, but I don’t want him back.”

***

Ryan woke up because it felt like he was emptying his bladder. He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t feel the spreading warmth either, only a stripe of it on his thigh, through a tube.

Nothing hurt. His lips where chapped and covered with thick buildup on the inside, he was thirsty, but nothing hurt.

“Hh,” he cleared his throat, “hello?”

He was the only conscious person in the room.

***

A lady in a white smock was checking his arm. She seemed vaguely familiar. Ryan lifted a hand to his eyes, to cover her face like a surgical mask would.

“Thank you.”

She didn’t react. Too quiet? Had he said it at all? Is it awkward to try again?

There were questions he needed to ask her, so many of them, and they all were slipping out of his grasp.

She patted his shoulder and left.

***

He took a little trip in a wheelchair, from bed to bed. The new one was in a hallway, right next to his original ward.

A food tray would appear and disappear untouched as he was laying there amongst the others, waiting for someone to thank him for breaking the window, in a blur of blue overalls.

After the glass was replaced, they started testing the alarm. A bump on the glass and a shriek over and over, to make sure he remembered that sound.

***

He got to visit the bathroom. He washed his face with soap, he washed his hair with soap, he brushed his teeth with a finger coated in soap. He was interrupted by a nurse watching over. He hoped she would take him to a place with showers and toothpaste then – he couldn’t bring himself to have a conversation about that, but it should’ve been inferable. She closed the door back up. He looked through the cabinets to see if there was any replacement for the one toilet paper roll. Thank God, there was. He soaped a couple squares and wetted a bunch and went to a stall to clean up best he could.

It was exhausting and almost counter-productive, since it had him sweating with embarrassment the whole time. He passed out on a pillow, moist from his hair.

The nurse woke him up. Next to her was a new doctor who gave him a brief smile and clicked a pen.

“In the last six months, have you experienced any of the following…”

Using something like that to determine if the person needed to be involuntarily hospitalized was ridiculous. The only thing more ridiculous was the fact that he was doing it in the hallway, standing up.

Ryan reached for the chart and the pen and the doctor handed those to him.

Just checking all the ‘I’m fine’ boxes would fail an integrity check, Ryan thought, though he highly doubted there was one. He tried to answer in a ‘I wasn’t that bad and I’m getting better’ manner.

***

In an hour, before the test could possibly had been processed, the nurse brought him the clothes he was admitted in – still dirty, still no shoes or coat.

“Mr. Haywood, you’re being transferred to a mental health facility.”

He changed in the bathroom, she gave him a discharge summary, a referral for physical therapy, and they went downstairs.

“I’m sorry, b-but the stitches?” Ryan forced out in the elevator, leaning on the wall heavily.

“What?”

“W-when, where, b-b-by… whom are those g-going to be removed?”

“They can probably do it there.”

Ryan breathed in and out. “Physical therapy? What exactly am I supposed t-to do with the referral?”

“Give it to your regular doctor at your local clinic.”

“B-but I’m not… n-not sure I’ll be able to any time soon… isn’t there a t-timeline?”

The elevator doors opened and she walked out. He followed her to a couple of spare seats in the waiting area. She dropped in hers.

“Could I consult with the d-doctor that operated on me?”

“She’s at lunch.”

Ryan dropped, too.

She drifted into sleep.

A police officer came in and snapped his fingers in front of her face. “Becky?”

“Hi.”

“This one mine?” He pointed at Ryan.

“Yeah.” She was now looking at Ryan’s socks and turned to him, pulling shoe-covers out of her pocket. “Here. Put these on, at least.”

Ryan did. “…was Mr. B-burns made aware of my transfer? Or Mr. Ramsey, maybe?”

“Your emergency contact must have been.”

***

_...The Adriatic sea turned out to be emerald. He went to the balcony as soon as Meg’s dad unlocked the door of their suite, to stare at it._

_“Mom, can me and J go to the beach?”_

_“J and I,” he whispered._

_“Go ahead!”_

_The territory of the hotel was fenced off from the rest of Montenegro, security staff and life-guards everywhere._

_“Swim suits?” Meg took his hand. He pulled on hers and they headed to the shore immediately._

_She was sitting on the sand nearby as he was trying to walk the edge of the water, barefoot._

_“You like it,” she grinned._

_“Yes. Very much.”_

_“I told you you should come!”…_

“This is you. Food goes on top. Don’t put it in, don’t let it rot.”

_…Eight restaurants to choose from, all inclusive, from pizza to the freshest seafood. Meg preferred pizza back then._

_Her parents tried to spoil him hard, pushing luscious desserts on him._

_He worried she would get jealous. She insisted the most instead._

_She wanted to go to an aqua park, but after they did, didn’t really care what activities they went with and became his translator. How she picked up on what he was excited about, he couldn’t tell._

_They did rafting and scuba-diving, visited the historical part of the city of Budva and the art museum._

_He was pleasantly tired at the end of every day and he didn’t have to lock the door…_

Grunts and snoring, so much snoring. He had to lie on his back like a corpse. Through the chlorine of the case, he could smell his pillow.

***

He planned on not taking the meds, considered hiding them under his tongue or throwing them up. After seeing where he ended up, he started eagerly swallowing the contents of his little cup and wishing for seconds.

A terrifying mural unfolded in front of him.

He was raised in a bubble of beautiful art and polite human interactions; his ugliness meter never recalibrated, but this – this would’ve been extremely disillusioning not just for him, but for Geoff, for Burnie, for anyone he knew. For any young person that had learned of the world via the internet and expected things to have reason and meaning.

Nobody came there for help, nobody came there at all, people were only sent there, either because they couldn’t take care of themselves or because somebody was actively trying to get rid of them. It was a vestigial tool of political repression that never evolved.

Edgy nonconformists spilling out profound truths were absent. Anyone who was at least somewhat functional knew to avoid that place, it seemed.

***

He was just a robot with a damaged speech function, silently doing as told.

Whether he wanted to or not, he started getting semi-clear thoughts in the hours before taking the meds. He spent that time standing by the window, moving his left hand and fingers around. Nobody explained to him what kind of exercises he was supposed to be doing, so he went with his best guess – do whatever kind of hurts. He was imagining his magical villa-hut in detail during it.

Once, he walked out of there and got on the beach. All of a sudden, he was in The Witness, a line of boards with puzzles awaiting. He started solving those, though he wasn’t sure his solutions or the puzzles themselves made sense.

He created another area in his mind, a large grassy hill. When he got to the top, he made a gesture with his hands and several green boards arose from the ground. He took a piece of chalk and wrote a random quadratic equation on the first one. He found the x through discriminant formula and then through Vieta’s formula. He knew he was making sense that time.

He challenged himself with increasingly more complicated mathematical problems, differentiating, integrating, doing probability calculations. Then he left the hill and went to a volcano on the north side of the island. The ground was covered with solidified lava after a recent eruption. A single white board was already there. ‘How do I get out?’ he wrote.

***

He approached his psychiatrist before group therapy.

“C-c… Can I… sit…” He didn’t expect that to be so difficult.

“Yes?” Kerry looked at him attentively.

“…n-next to you.”

That was literally the first thing he said since he got there. “Yes, yes, of course you can.”

He couldn’t master a ‘thank you’, so he put an open palm to his chin and swung it away, saying that in sign language.

Most of the staff wanted to be there no more than the patients did, trapped by a miniscule, but regular salary and a lack of job opportunities. Kerry was another case, fresh out of med school, no older than Ryan himself and not jaded yet. During their sessions, Kerry tried different approaches to get him to speak up – behavioral therapy seemed to be his go-to, yet he attempted psychoanalysis and gestalt, if Ryan was not mistaken. Ryan could almost see him studying up the night before and wished he could’ve rewarded him with some dissertation material, kind of. Kind of not.

He wanted to read Kerry’s notes and see what words and actions of the other patients caught attention, got approval. He planned on creating a convincing persona that would be healed and discharged by a young capable doctor.

***

“Hey, Wood.” A low chuckle. An ass landed on him, half of it pressing down his leg, fully waking him up. He pulled his leg away.

His new roommate, Barry, was a chatty guy, one who could get anybody talking, as long as talking meant complaining and asking to move him elsewhere. Ryan and the mute elderly man he’d been sharing the room with were the perfect company for Barry. Ryan had been waiting for the staff to figure that out, unenthusiastically.

“Why’s all a hundred here? No women r age. Women w’d be good… good for Wood,” another chuckle, “yeah they are, look at ya. What’d ya do?”

Ryan opened and closed his mouth.

“Ya talk, I know now. Got a st-t-t-tutter?” He turned his attention to the stack of paper on Ryan’s bed stand and grabbed it, crumpling the sheets in his hand. Those were drawings – of the view from the window, of the island and the ocean, of Geoff’s smiling face. Barry looked through, discarding them quickly on the blanket. “Draw m’ a chick. Chick with a rack.”

“C’mon, c’mon!” he grabbed Ryan’s knee and started rocking it back and forth, “we got blood in r veins, you’n I”

Barry was in his late thirties at best.

“D-do you have a phone?”

“A phone? nah”

“A phone, a t-tablet, an iPod, anything with internet or c-c-cellular access?” Ryan asked again, to make sure he was understood.

“Wha y’think ‘m a retard? Said no.” He put a blank slate in front of Ryan and went to pose. “Draw m’ a chick that’s like this,” he arched his back and his shirt raised up to show some of his hairy belly.

Ryan considered it for a minute. It didn’t look like Barry could be of any use at any point, though it sure looked like he could beat him up.

“How about you g-go fuck yourself.”

What he got in response was loud hysterical laughter that went on and on and eventually turned into sobbing.

***

The inner yard was nothing much, but Ryan hadn’t been outside for more than a week and the sickly sparse trees were a forest, the contaminated air a fresh breath.

There weren’t enough winter coats or boots for all the patients and if you didn’t have your own, you just didn’t go on a walk. He was currently drowning in the jacket Barry lent him.

He did a drawing for him after all. It wasn’t pornographic and, hopefully, wasn’t sexy, only a pin-up female version of Barry, a little funny, rather flattering and in the pose he requested.

And just like that, he made a friend. Barry sat across from him in the dining-hall, played board games with him, ignoring the rules, and sometimes, when Ryan made a shush gesture, actually did shut up.

Ryan made sure Kerry saw as much of that as possible.

***

**Burnie: Geoff, he started talking and got visitation rights. I’m going there after work.**

**Geoff: I’m gong with you**

**Burnie: There’s no chance they will let you see him, at least not today.**

**Geoff: Stiil going**

***

Burnie watched Geoff stumble down the stairs in front of the building with a piece of paper in hand. Geoff got in the passenger seat. He reeked of alcohol. Burnie cracked a window open, though it was cold outside.

“Jesus Christ, man…”

“What?”

“Could you be more drunk?”

“Yeah, planning to be, later today. My partner got upgraded to hell and I took his place in the purgatory.”

Burnie got back on his case when they were on the highway.

“Is this what you want J to get back to?”

“I didn’t fucking know you would text me.”

“At 2 pm on a Wednesday! You either were so fucked up already that it hasn’t worn off by now or you just didn’t stop!”

“Leave me alone, dude.”

“Why do you have to be such an asshole all the time?”

“Feel good on your high horse there? How about we focus on you?”

“What?”

“So, Ryan and Ashley, huh? Your two big relationships. Those are different somehow… can’t quite put a finger on it… Hmm…”

“Shut up.”

“No, no, I think those are like… fundamentally different. It almost seems like one is bullshit? Usually it’s the one that’s easier.”

“Geoff, seriously, shut the fuck up.”

“Oh, why? Getting a little nostalgic? Well, all you had to do was not abandon him when it got difficult.”

“I abandoned him… right…” Burnie chuckled bitterly. “You don’t know anything, you fucking piece of shit. He broke up with me four fucking times before I ended it. I never meant to end it completely, always wanted to stay friends. All he left me with was an email basically saying ‘have a nice life’. And I still camped his office, waiting for him to get out. I watched him get in the car with another guy. And I still rushed to the hospital. And I’m still driving your sorry ass to see him.”

***

Burnie wasn’t going to deliver Geoff’s letter without checking it.

**We were happy and we will be again, Ry. I’ll take you home the moment I’m allowed to. I’ll run my hand through your hair and hold you in my arms until you relax and fall asleep.**

**Nothing else matters.**

Burnie blushed and put it away. _What is wrong with me? What did I think he would write? ‘Don’t be a pussy’? Jesus Christ, he’s really getting to me._

***

Ryan was playing scrabble with Barry. The game used to be frustrating for both of them, until Ryan suggested allowing each other to grab a book and search it for the next word. The library consisted of three shelves filled with random donations. Barry was flipping through pages, looking for a match for his letters, and Ryan was just reading.

 _‘All the visitors do make an effort to look their best, and it's very tender, it's sweet as hell, the way the women wear their prettiest everything, I mean the old ones and the really poor ones too, they make the dearest effort to look nice and smell nice too, and I love them for it’…_ Breakfast at Tiffany’s, visitation day at Sing Sing.

At the next table, an elderly lady was sitting all alone, and her white hair was braided in a way that was not at all age-appropriate.

Barely anyone came in that Wednesday or the Wednesday before. But the people and the place looked their best, thanks to the schedule cynically designed to keep appearances. For once, Ryan couldn’t smell himself or the others.

“THEE,” Barry put forward.

Ryan glanced at the cover of his book. It was Hamlet.

Burnie walked in, accompanied by Kerry. “Mr. Haywood? You have a visitor, is that okay?” Kerry decided to only ask Ryan post-factum, since friends and family tended to say they’d come and then didn’t.

Ryan nodded.

“Barry, we’ll give them a moment, all right?”

“Haywood?” Barry needed a confirmation, too.

Ryan waved his head in the direction of the lonely lady. Barry grinned, getting up, and carried their board over there.

Burnie took his place and reached to put Ryan’s hand in his. “J, it’s so good to see you… How are you?” He whispered. “I know, I know that’s a stupid question, I know you’re not great…”

“Are you cooperating? You must have been, since they let me come...”

“Do you think your doctor’s too young? Should I try get you another one?”

“No!” That was getting very agitating very quickly.

“No? Okay, okay, so you like him? Is he helping?”

“J, talk to me…”

Burnie was on the brink of tears and his irresponsible whispery rant continued.

“You need to let them help you, you hear me? I know how you are… You can’t be like that anymore, okay? No more… No more hiding and no more silence, please, baby… Everybody fucking loves you, you know? …you’re killing me, you know?” Burnie squeezed his eyes shut. What he had to hide from Ashley, from Geoff, from himself, was pouring out of him and into Ryan through their interlocked fingers.

Ryan pulled away. “S-sorry.”

“Yeah…” Burnie took a deep breath, coming to his senses.

He felt better. Ryan didn’t.

Some sort of a survival instinct had kicked in, bringing secret inner resources with it, making a little miracle happen for Ryan every day, as he managed to hold on to his relative sanity. Blocking some stuff out was crucial. After all, the only thing scarier than learning that a close person was fucked up enough to try and take their own life was learning that that person is you.

“I wish this happened differently, but at least you’re finally where you need to be,” Burnie sighed.

Ryan was chewing his jaw.

“Do they know who you are?”

Ryan made the tiniest of motions, shaking his head no.

“I considered telling, but was worried your father would pull you out of here for the sakes of his fucking reputation…”

That would’ve left him speechless, if he wasn’t already. Never once in his life had Ryan played that card, no matter how difficult things got. Burnie was a witness to that, he knew exactly how important that was to him, yet what stopped him from depriving Ryan of the very basis of his honor code was the oh so undesirable perspective of getting out.

“I’ll come see you every week from now on, J.” Burnie looked around. “Are there enough games and everything?”

Before Ryan could process that impulse, he leaped out of his chair, tackling Burnie onto the ground, choking him. For making him feel this. For making him apologize just then. For disregarding his wishes. For always treating him like a child. For being mind-numbingly boring. For repeatedly guilting them both into staying together.

His grip on Burnie’s neck was weak, but not from the lack of trying. Burnie laid there in shock, not pushing him away, refusing to defend himself, mindful of Ryan’s fucked up arms.

Ryan had many violent physical interactions, got slapped, pushed, restrained, assaulted, but never punched. Apparently, it was common knowledge that he wasn’t man enough for that and that was starting to really piss him off.

Barry grabbed him by the waist, lifting him in the air, as he was squirming like a feral cat. “Haywood, c’lm down, stop…”

“You always know what’s best for me, don’t you, Burnie?!”

Barry was now holding him with one arm, keeping the staff surrounding them away with the other. “H’ll c’lm down, wait…” They each got a shot. Ryan passed out instantly. Barry lowered himself onto the floor, sitting down and carefully letting go of him.

***

It was Geoff’s turn to watch Burnie stumble down the stairs, only he didn’t stop by the car, he went past it, almost running. “Dude!” Geoff yelled.

Burnie stopped further down the road. When Geoff approached him, he turned around. “You can have him. I don’t need this, you can have him.”

“Oh, thanks so much for your permission, fucktard.”

Burnie looked away, touching his neck.

“What happened?”

“Have I… missed something? Has he changed?”

“Developed a better taste.”

“He hates me. I think he hates me. And he doesn’t hate anybody…”

“…He’s angry. That’s only natural.”

“Have you ever seen him get angry before?”

“…No.”

***

The incident had gained some notoriety around the place and Dr. Martin, the head of the department, came to observe one of Kerry’s group therapy sessions.

Every once in a while, a young confused person showed up there and they would always stick out like a sore thumb. That time, it was especially obvious. Mr. Haywood sat in his chair gracefully, keeping his chin high. Dr. Martin noticed him glancing at Kerry’s notes, listening closely to some of the patients, but drumming fingers on his leg when other ones were talking. They tended to be the ones who had really fucked up lives, ones who could barely put two words together to describe their experiences.

Ryan was listening to music in his head, completely blocking them out. He recalled one orchestral piece or another, silently singing the leading part, playing some of it on his thigh, imagining the rest, the task complicated enough to engage him fully.

Ryan was collecting the right answers in his mind palace. Next to the first board on the erupted volcano sight were several other ones now, filled with quotes. He was almost ready to lie his way out of there.

“Hello, Mr. Haywood, right?” Dr. Martin approached him after the session.

Ryan nodded. Then he glanced at Dr. Martin’s badge and forced out a ‘yes’.

“I noticed you moving your fingers… If that was for the sake of physical therapy, you are not doing it correctly.”

Ryan stared at him.

“That’s not it, is it? You were trying to remove yourself from the surroundings.”

Ryan wasn’t ready to answer, so he just walked away.

***

Kerry heard a quiet knock on the half-open door of his office and looked up to see Dr. Martin.

“I wanted to talk to you… Can I come in?”

“Of course. Please, sit down.”

Dr. Martin closed the door behind him and sat in the chair across from Kerry. “About that James kid.”

“The talkative one? Haywood?”

“Yes. What do you make of him?”

“Smart, but stupid. Could’ve been out of here by now if he fully cooperated. Why do you think he’s so quiet? Hiding something?”

“Your diagnosis?”

“Borderline personality disorder.” Kerry winced. “I know you think that’s a poor excuse of a diagnosis, but he’s not giving me much to work with.”

Dr. Martin nodded.

“What is your opinion?”

“I think that his resolve to stay closed shows he has strength. He’s using it up on protecting himself from this place.”

Kerry pressed his lips together, realizing where the conversation was headed.

“Do you blame him? He doesn’t belong here, doesn’t need this amount of control. If he fully cooperates eventually, that will basically mean his spirit is broken, and he’s not a wild horse. He needs some antidepressants, some sleeping pills, some therapy sessions. But that’s all.”

“He tried to kill himself. There’s evidence of excessive self-harm.”

“Those scars are years old. As to the suicide attempt… sometimes it’s the last step towards healing.”

“There’s protocol…”

“And we are here to make corrections on it. My medical assessment plus yours would be enough to discharge him.”

“Dr. Martin…” Kerry sighed. “I hope you know how much I respect you for doing this. I… think you’re probably right. But I’m not a hundred percent sure… that visit… and aren’t we overstepping the boundaries, making decisions like these ourselves?”

“How many of your current patients are here for the first time?”

“Not as many as the ones who aren’t,” Kerry admitted.

“You and I did this once before. It’s been a while, she’s not back. Neither are the other patients I’ve let go during my fifteen years of practice.”

“I know…”

“No control commission is breathing at our backs. I’m the one the responsibility lies with. But I value your professional opinion. So tell me, do you think this is not the case to do it?”

“…I think it is. Yes, I think it is.”

“Then let’s prepare the papers. I’ll talk to him myself. It’s enough of a bargain for him to open up a little. If he’s inadequate, we’ll just go back to protocol.”

Kerry agreed. He felt scared doing that, but he trusted Dr. Martin.

***

Ryan stared blankly at the tips of Kerry’s hair. They were bouncing around even more than usual that day. He was answering Kerry’s questions with one-word sentences, as he had been doing lately. Closer to the end of the hour, when Kerry finished filling in the chart, he turned to Ryan.

“Mr. Haywood, please, listen to me.”

Ryan didn’t react.

“James, seriously, this is important. Unusually important. Please.”

Ryan’s eyes darted to his face.

That was enough. “I need you to tell me if you think you’ll be fine on your own. If you think you don’t need to stay here.”

Ryan was fully looking at him for the first time.

“I see. Okay… Dr. Martin is going to talk to you. Please make sure you don’t need to stay and if you don’t, open up to him just the tiny bit… and we’ll let you go.”

“Are you… serious?”

“Yes.”

“K-k… Kerry… Thank you.”

“Suddenly, he speaks.” Kerry sighed. _I’m fucking unprofessional when I don’t need to be, like right now, and professional, or more like just a fucking pussy when I can do something to actually help_. “James, if all goes well, this will be the last of our one-sided talks. And don’t thank me, it was Dr. Martin’s idea. But I wish you will recover fully.”

He stood up, Ryan did too.

Ryan spent the rest of the day trying to anticipate the conversation he was going to have, up until the meds knocked him out.

***

Dr. Martin walked into Ryan’s ward.

“Mr. Haywood.”

Ryan turned from the window. “Hello.”

“Would you follow me to my office?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Martin made a conscious effort to confine his excitement, to make his steps not too light, not too jumpy.

When they got in, he locked the door behind them.

“Sit,” he said.

Ryan gave him a look, but settled down on the couch.

“You don’t want to be here, right?”

Ryan nodded.

“Frankly, I don’t want you to be here either. There’re other people who need and appreciate help.”

He took off his smock, put it on a hanger and rolled over the chair from behind his desk to sit right in front of Ryan. He turned back, grabbed a folder of documents and dropped it on Ryan’s knees.

“Your file. What you’re interested in is at the very end.”

Ryan looked. Release form. Monday.

“No mandatory therapy. No recipes, you’re on your own. Interested?”

“Yes.” Ryan’s face stayed still, but Dr. Martin could see the hope flickering in his eyes.

“Not a done deal yet.”

“W-why?”

Dr. Martin opened his legs slowly and put a hand on his crotch. Then pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek, an inviting gesture.

Ryan froze.

Dr. Martin basked in that moment.

_You get in here thinking everybody’s too dumb to even try to understand you… That fucking look on your face… Stay polite all you want, I know you think you’re surrounded by scum… I know your kind. Your three-syllable words and your subtle insults… And I know you’ll do this. Not a fun place to be in for you, is it? It’s unpleasant, the room, the food, most of all, the people… seeing what life is actually like... what a real problem is… Your only fucking problem is the sense of entitlement and the excessive amount of time you have to think about how special you are…_

“If you stay uncooperative, we’ll have to reconsider your treatment.”

Ryan went to the door. He paused before getting out. “Money? You could b-buy an ap-partment with what I have to offer.”

“No.” Dr. Martin smiled as if that was the most pleasant thing he ever got to say.

“I have a night shift. Get here after dinner.”

_Before sunrise, you’ll replace the silver spoon in your mouth with my cock._

***

“Eat, Haywood.” Barry put a spoon in his hand.

His speech had been getting better. Sometimes, Ryan actually did talk to him, and he adjusted. “Wha wrong?”

“How long have you been here?”

“Worked at Burger King. Made burgers, fries, chicken…”

It didn’t seem so, but Ryan knew Barry was answering the question, telling him about the times he wasn’t hospitalized instead of when he was. In excruciating detail.

_How is this my life?_

Ryan suddenly cried into his food, spitting the bread out.


	9. Mirror Universe

The car rolled weightily, neatly. Mariel always felt like she was operating heavy machinery driving it, in a good way.

The building towered over the neighborhood – decent, scenic, remote. Not a place for a typical customer to live in, yet quite fitting for his third bride-to-be, while she’s still at uni; Mariel was probably there for a pick-up after a romantic rendezvous. She didn’t need to like the passenger to be entertained with what she observed of his story. Really, the only thing that job was lacking was a driver’s hat to top off her cute, non-revealing uniform.

She stepped out of the car, straightening up, awaiting, – like Timon, not Pumbaa, as the employer put it, – to walk the client to the door, to open it. These days, female VIP drivers weren’t a rarity; the douches preferred to see a pretty face everywhere, only sexist enough to compliment her on parallel parking skills.

The guy that was standing nearby, the one she’d been looking through, walked over.

“Mr. Ramsey?” She corrected her course.

“Yeah, that’s me,” he took a couple steps, following her, then remembered he was still holding a cigarette, cursed and went to throw it away, and then remembered he left his bag on the bench. With all of the commotion, there was no leading him to the door, and he climbed into the passenger seat.

He rubbed his face. “So, this is my second attempt. I need to pick my boyfriend up from a hospital. I was hoping this service would give me a better chance of finding an adequate driver, but still – if you have any sort of a problem with what I said, just tell me. I’ll pay and find someone else. Now is not the time.”

That guy in his early thirties, unrefined, handsome somewhere under unkempt beard, said the words as if they were a joke, but his eyes disagreed.

“I’ll drive you, I’m not… soulless,” Mariel found herself saying.

Through tobacco and cologne, she could sense a sickening sweet smell of yesterday’s alcohol emanating from him.

“Sir, there’s water in your door holder and various mints in the hand rest.”

“That obvious, huh?”

“What is, sir?”

“You don’t have to call me ‘sir’… it’s Geoff,” they shook hands. “What does it matter then,” he muttered, pulling a small bottle of whiskey from an inner pocket on his chest. “This is… one of the turning points of my life.”

“I wish you luck.”

“Are you Catholic?” He gestured at the Virgin and Child icon.

“I am.”

“Then say a little prayer for me. Ask your God to tell mine to forgive me.”

***

“Wait!” He yelped.

They weren’t at the hospital yet. He must’ve noticed something she missed.

“Stop.”

Mariel parked.

He took a moment, as if to center himself. He opened the door, he got out. He started walking back along the side of the road and Mariel pressed a button to adjust the rear-view mirror, following him.

He came up with a guy who looked like cotton candy on two sticks in the jacket he was wearing. He reached to touch.

It seemed that Mr. Ramsey was lowering himself to his knees, before ordered against it. Mr. Ramsey awkwardly straightened up and Mr. X- Mr. X just extended a hand and held it, open palm, until Mr. Ramsey put a phone in it.

There was a bit of conversation and Mr. Ramsey kept waving his head in the direction of the car.

What they had didn’t look like a fight, but Mr. X came out as the winner.

He settled in the back seat and gave Mariel the original address.

She turned the car. Mr. Geoff Ramsey stared at them, as they were driving away.

***

Now his manner was quite familiar – everything was assumed, expected and went without saying. He was polite, yet distant. He shrugged off the threadbare jacket and the white trash look with it.

_How does someone like you end up in a situation like this?_

Mariel noticed him quietly struggling to open a water bottle – whichever hand he held the cap in, he couldn’t twist it. She helped him out, as casually as possible.

Mr. X tapped the phone, making the payment, leaving her a thirty percent tip. He hesitantly reached for the bag, which looked somewhat heavy.

“May I help you with that, sir?”

“If you don’t mind.”

Mariel followed him inside, carrying it. She was eager to see what the apartment was like. Smart lock, nice touch, and then… _Oh, boy._ Bottles, and ash, and socks without a pair. And a nest of blankets on the couch, the eye of the hurricane.

_A frat house on a Saturday morning. Only sadder. Courtesy of Mr. Ramsey?_

She put the bag on the floor.

“…Are you okay?”

“I think you’ve observed enough to know what a ridiculous q-question that is, Ms. Salcedo. Thank you. Goodbye.”

He’d been staring inward the whole trip, completely shut off from the rest of the world, it seemed, so his perceptiveness was unnerving. Mariel regretted her morbid curiosity. It really wasn’t the time.

***

The basic comfort of a shower and a shave. Autogrooming, was the term used for describing similar behavior in animals. Ryan wasn’t striving to be much more than that at the moment.

He ran. Took off as soon as he was discharged, because he thought no one was coming to get him and because he felt like running. He was planning to hitch-hike to his place, have the concierge help him with the door lock. Or maybe even ask someone to let him use their phone and make a call to his father, so the necessary arrangements would be made for him to be flown home immediately, ending his little adventure in the real world.

Honor, pride, principals – all of those were secondary concepts he could no longer afford to live by.

The state of his apartment gave him something to do; he sought to lull his mind with the mundane.

Behind every stain he saw Geoff’s circumstances, and somehow, those thoughts were the most hurtful.

No one was fighting for him. No lawyers were hired, no appeals were filed – he only had Burnie who would leave him there for as long as it took to drive him fully insane.

Now, wiping the floor, gathering the glassware, he knew why. Every day, Geoff made a choice, and never chose him.

That should’ve made him worry, figure out a way to help. But he was just… he just hated Geoff for that.

***

Every once in a while, the arrangements Geoff hastily made at the end of a bender actually did save his ass. ‘Arrangements’ was probably too big of a word for what he did that time. Begging Burnie to let him be the one to pick Ryan up and crying over the phone on Saturday; ‘it has to be me’, he kept saying; he couldn’t really explain why. Ordering a hotel room for him and Ryan and a cleaning service for Ryan’s place. Which he just made a call to cancel, laying on the bed in the rented room alone. Even the clothes he finally realized he needed to bring were still damp from washing in that bag.

The letter he wrote started more or less okay, but picked up its cringy pace with every sentence. There were countless ‘I love you’s, spilled out thoughtlessly, there were tear stains; worst of all, he ended up writing more about himself than Ryan. He didn’t ask Burnie if he’d delivered it because he didn’t want to open his mouth in the car after projectile vomiting over the edge of the parking lot. Because he preferred to be the cool guy around Burnie – a concept now laughable.

From the way Ryan left without waiting, met him with surprise rather than pity, Geoff could tell he never got it.

_…“P-please, d-don’t look at me,” Ryan said…_

_Aah_ , Geoff curled into a ball.

_Jesus, how are you the one asking for that… What is wrong with you…_

***

Taking the trash out turned into a number of trips back and forth – there was a bunch and Ryan couldn’t hold much. The landscape kept catching his eye. After the last round, he impulsively headed for the park.

The river carried its muddy gray waters from one underground pipe into another; there was no reason to be fascinated with it or find its freezing touch rejuvenating, but he was and he did, kneeling on the concrete at the shore, reaching down, attracting attention and failing to care.

His steps were becoming lighter and lighter on the way to the stadium. He started running, on the track furthest from the center, his usual one.

Only a lap in, he was exhausted. Still, walking back home, he felt like he didn’t want to stop moving.

***

“Hi, Jack, you busy?”

“Hey Burnie, no, it’s okay.” Jack glanced at the rendering time ticking down on the screen of the laptop, pressing the phone to his ear. Eighty minutes left.

“Will you go see J then, maybe? Geoff said J sent him away, they have some shit going on between them… I have this work thing, but I’ll blow it off if you can’t. Whatever he thinks, he shouldn’t be alone.”

“…See him? Where?”

“His place?”

“He’s… out?”

“…I thought Geoff would tell you. I’m sorry, should’ve known better. Yeah. They called me Saturday and Geoff picked him up this morning.”

“…How was he?”

“Geoff said functional.”

“Good…”

“Jack, I really apologize for not calling you earlier, but you need to tell me – are you gonna go?”

“Did Geoff… okay that?”

“Well yeah, I told him I was going to ask you?”

“Okay… I will, of course I will.”

“Thank you. I have to go. Keep me updated, please.”

***

Jack was digging through the freezer, taking out veggie bags and placing them on the counter. Underneath, there was a box of cookies.

At the end of their New Year’s celebration, as Ryan and Geoff were cleaning up, he snuck that untouched box from the table. He believed it to hold some of his confusing adoration inside. He wanted to present them with it when moving out.

After the conversation with Geoff, he hid the box in the freezer, prolonging his expiration time from a couple weeks to a few months.

The events that followed his transgressive confession spoke volumes of how unwanted he really was. He expected to have some semblance of a closure by giving that box away to Ryan.

***

“Hi, Ry. Can I please come in?”

“Please?”

The building door eventually unlocked.

Walking through the corridors, Jack was dragging his feet. Seeing Ryan, especially one-on-one, used to be invigorating. Now, he wasn’t seeing Ryan really, he was just coming to terms with his mistake. What he needed to tell him was that he’d removed himself from the equation.

Ryan was leaning on the side of the doorway, expecting him, smoking. He was wearing a black sleek shirt Jack had never seen him wear before. They walked in and settled at the opposite ends of the kitchen table.

Ryan poured them drinks, two fingers of whiskey.

“I,” Jack remembered, “…this is for you. You might be better off not eating those, but I wanted to give it to you… for reasons.” He put the box on the table.

Under the plastic wrap, there were droplets of liquid, eroding the carton.

Ryan glanced at it, unamused.

“I never meant to…”

“Look Jack, um…” Ryan interrupted him, “what are you d-doing here?”

Jack was taken aback by his tone. “Just wanted to check on you…”

“Is that so?”

“I figured we needed to talk… That I should tell you… that I’m your friend no matter what and… I don’t have any pretentions of anything else…”

“Good for you. I’m glad it didn’t take you t-too long. To get over the thing I fucked up my life trying to accommodate.”

Jack wished the ground would open and swallow him. He never imagined Ryan could think like that, much less talk like that. He was afraid of talking to Geoff. From Ryan, he expected understanding, forgiveness, support. That after the doctors patched him up he would bounce right back to solving everybody else’s problems. “This… this isn’t you…” he muttered.

“Absolutely is. Always was. I just can’t hold it in anymore.”

Jack didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t have the patience for such conversations, or annoying gestures, or awkward silences at the moment. Or for being nice. So I suggest you leave or cut it out before I tear you a new one.”

Jack slammed his drink. “What do you h-have the patience for?” He winced, exhaling.

Ryan chuckled bitterly, noticing how he was stopping to stutter and Jack was starting to. “Clearly, I need to go blow some steam off.”

“What does that entail?”

“Drugs.” _Sex. Cleansing the palate._

“…If that’s… something you need right now… then I’ll go with you.”

“I could p-possibly drag you into the worst night of your life,” Ryan said semi-thoughtfully.

“I know you wouldn’t,” Jack whispered, though his belief was quickly wearing off.

Jack deserved a bit of kindness. Ryan looked him up and down. “You’re underdressed. Besides, that kind of thing is for adults.”

Jack got up and floated to the door.

***

To Burnie, Jack reported without lying, yet extremely briefly.

Then he called Geoff and tried to relay all Ryan said that could be relevant to his whereabouts that night. He spoke and Geoff listened attentively, rather clearheaded after a nap; they didn’t make peace, but they didn’t argue either, finally working together, despite everything.

Burnie seemed to be made of the same stuff Jack was, a lot more mature, confident and stubborn, but no more discrepant. Ryan’s dark mood and volatile emotions were definitely Geoff’s territory.

***

For once, Geoff was grateful for the fact that there was only a handful of gay clubs in the city. He started with the three shadiest. There was live music at the third one. He circled the floor in search of Ryan.

“All ri-i-ight!” The band’s front man whooped. “Time for an impromptu Placebo cover featuring someone I always wish to see around, but almost never do… And yes, I am trying to get his number, but don’t worry, he’s actually good… Dedicated fans would recognize him, this is like… fourth time we’re doing this? But we don’t have any dedicated fans, so enjoy the surprise!”

The crowd took that well, laughs and cheers all around. Geoff turned and was startled to see Ryan walking up the stage.

“Song to say goodbye!” The front man moved away from the mic stand and got behind the keyboard.

 _To me?_ Geoff’s heart sank.

Ryan put his hand on the mic and closed his eyes.

**You are one of God’s mistakes, you crying tragic waste of skin.**

**I’m well aware of how it aches and you still won’t let me in.**

**Now I’m breaking down your door to try and save your swollen face,**

**Though I don’t like you anymore, you lying trying waste of space…**

_To you… To the gentlest part of you…_

Ryan’s voice was surprisingly powerful, engulfing the room. As intensely private as he was, he seemed to belong there, on stage.

What was happening was unbelievable, Geoff felt like he walked onto a movie set. He didn’t know if that was a really charged performance or just the personal side of it was tearing him apart.

Liquid pain was oozing in through his ears. He felt it acutely, to its fullest; it separated into components, delivering thoughts and emotions at the speed of sound, and came back together to deafen him, because he could hear the answers to his questions; _I got the opposite of help_ ; _you’ve failed me and it won’t be the same_ ; _I won’t be the same_.

In his mind, everyone besides him and Ryan were gone. Through Ryan, he was reliving moments of his own life, ones that knocked naivety out of him, blow after blow, – faith and goodwill leaving gradually with it. It was a singular kind of misery, to watch the person who reinstated his beliefs abandon all hope.

_Are you thinking right now that you’ve turned to the dark side? Even that’s beautiful in your implementation… means you’re still you, you are still infected with that disease of yours, turning everything around into something poetic and giving meaning to every living moment… A disease I wish more people could catch…_

**Before our innocence was lost, you were always one of those**

**Blessed with lucky sevens and the voice that made me cry**

_I will never let go of that mindset._

Ryan didn’t move or open his eyes the whole time. When all was over, the band got an overwhelming response, Geoff himself clapping until his palms turned red.

The front man took Ryan’s place. “Phew! Give it up fo-o-or,” he brought the mic to Ryan.

“Nice try.”

“He won’t even tell me his name, this is hopeless…” He said something to Ryan away from the mic and kissed his cheek. Ryan went backstage.

“Anyway! Wanna hear something that doesn’t make you wish you could rip your own heart out?”

***

Geoff sat down next to Ryan at the bar, unnoticed.

Ryan’s hand was resting on the counter. His thumb was a little deformed, lacking muscle, and Geoff painfully wondered what was under the sleeve. He wanted to give himself a minute to build up some courage before speaking to him, but quickly realized that the longer he waited, the less he would have.

He patted Ryan’s shoulder.

Ryan turned.

“How did you know where I was? Did you hack my phone or something?”

“…Only so many gay clubs, that’s all.”

Ryan gave a nod to the guy who’d been talking to him, ending the conversation definitively and quite rudely. Inconceivably rudely for Ryan. He dropped his head on Geoff’s shoulder.

“That was the most amazing thing.”

Ryan moved away, squinting. “You heard me?”

“Sweetie…”

“Don’t say that.”

“...Am I supposed to talk shit about you now, otherwise you’ll kick me out?”

“Just don’t… idealize. Don’t set yourself up for a disappointment.”

 _Tall order_. Geoff brushed Ryan’s cheek, his hand stiff to keep it from shaking. “Jack was basically in shock. You can be a real prick, apparently.”

“He wanted to go with me, I said this was for adults...”

“It is. So have you taken anything yet?” A silly question, considering the size of his pupils.

Ryan pulled Geoff into a lewd kiss and put Geoff’s hand in his pocket. Geoff could feel a plastic bag inside.

“Expected pills.”

“Blow. Want to lick it off my cock?”

***

Back at Ryan’s place, the two of them plus some random dude were going at it. Geoff ended up taking it both ways.

“Are you imagining that it’s Jack fucking your mouth?” Ryan whispered into Geoff’s ear.

That was both hurtful and hot. Geoff whimpered as he was trying to concentrate on the hot part.

“Uh huh… not that ludicrous of an idea? So what is more enjoyable to think about, that? Or me in your place? Will that forever remain your most secret fantasy? Are you gonna jerk off to that for the rest of your life?”

Geoff was aching all over, his body demanding alcohol now. That would go away after a bump for a few blissful minutes. That would amplify sexual pleasure, especially when it was Ryan touching him.

The silk of his hair, the suede of his skin, the streams of blood palpable underneath it... He was moving even when he stayed still – transient, dynamic, unstable. Geoff felt his agony, his defiance, and the astounding amount of strength he never knew was there.

Ryan was... too much. An abyss no sound reaches, where you can't tell up from down, where dark waters a hundred meters thick are crushing you from every direction.

When Geoff truly felt like that was more than he could handle, Ryan traced fingers over his face, shoulders, hugging his stomach, bringing the vital comfort.

If that was meant to be a lesson, a display of irony designed by Ryan, ever creative, or a punishment Ryan wasn’t letting go too far, Geoff couldn’t tell. Most likely, it just wasn’t about him at all.

***

Geoff woke up to the sound of a blow-drier coming from the bathroom.

Ryan walked out from there and started putting on his boots. With the coat, he struggled; Geoff jumped up to help him, naked, seeing stars. Ryan looked at him softly and left.

“Wow,” the guy, Lawrence, let out, sitting up on the bed.

Geoff turned to him, annoyed to realize that moment wasn’t private.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair shortly.” Lawrence pulled his boxers on.

“The man really rations his affections. Not even a glance for me, not even a word for you,” he walked up to Geoff, zipping his jeans. “Not your first rodeo, huh? Did he mean for just me to be gone by the time he’s back with this? Or the both of us?”

“You… I think? …we’ve never done this before.” Geoff flopped onto the bed.

“Well that’s fucked up. Fucking musicians,” Lawrence chuckled and sat down next to Geoff. “I must say, I thought it was seriously cool to completely steal the show and not plug his band. It’s a band, right? Or just him?” He looked around and scoffed. “This is quite a tidy nerd nest, not at all what I expected. Does he do math rock?”

Geoff sat up. It was amusing to hear of the impression Ryan left.

“What’s his last name? Can I find his stuff online?”

“Who do you think we are?”

“Mr. Rockstar and his favorite groupie.”

Maybe not that amusing.

“No offence.”

“None taken.” A blatant lie.

“He must be borderline genius for you to let him treat you this way.”

“He is. I’ll let you know if there’s a concert.”

“Give me your phone, I’ll put my number in.”

“Here.” Geoff always easily agreed to that, it meant nothing.

“That was… heavy. Last night. Hot, but… you seemed to be losing it. I thought you were getting your kink on. Was that discussed, at least?”

Geoff shook his head after a pause.

“Then how about we walk out of here right now, you and I?”

“Or would you like me to give you a little gentle fucking first? Has he considered that might be what he comes back to? Want to make him jealous?”

“Trashy.”

“Not when there’s art involved. He’d write some tortured poetry about that, I think he cares somewhere in there – well, as much as it’s possible for him.”

“Go suck him off, that’s clearly what you want to do.”

“These people… they are like drugs. Actually, they are better, and worse, than drugs. They are how drugs were invented. Some poor motherfucker was left behind by one and prayed to God, ‘Oh please, let me feel that again’. He sacrificed a goat and then found a couple tablets. ‘Dry and smoke. Distill and drink, milk and shoot up’, they read. It was never as good, but it was something.”

That was weird enough to make Geoff look at him. His haircut, glasses and square jaw brought Clark Kent to mind.

“The guys he performed with – they’re solid. They’ve never sounded like they did last night though. He has it, the thing. He walked on stage in front of a bunch of dudes dry-humping, they got in touch with their humanity, it was Wembley for a moment, and it was all gone as soon as he stepped down. He did that to your life as well, I’m sure. If I were to touch him, the feeling would seep through his skin… I didn’t, because that would’ve hurt you. Others will. I’d say you have weeks left, if I’m honest.”

Geoff’s fingers were scratching at the blanket cover, grabbing fistfuls of it.

“Can you imagine being that, having that in you? What would other people even be? Shadows, plain bread… Unnecessary liabilities. You will never make him feel what he makes you feel.”

“I’m so tired of this shit. And you’re taking it to the next level right now.”

“The hangover from him is going to be vicious. I wish I had someone who understood when I went through mine…”

Geoff stood up, rashly yanking on the cover. Instead of tearing, the blue sateen slid from under Lawrence, rolling him onto the floor.

“Dude, he’s not even a musician! I heard him for the first time yesterday and we’ve been together for nine months, so I’m certainly not a fucking groupie!!” He yelled into the room.

“And he’s nice, incredibly nice actually, usually…” Geoff turned. “He’s not talking because he fucking stutters now, because he spent the past two weeks at a mental hospital, he could’ve been dead and I could’ve been, too!! And I’m fucking glad he has it in him to be pissed!!!”

“I guess you know your shit, at least in some ways – you’ve sniffed out a genuine performance. It sounded like it hurt because it did. I bet he wouldn’t want to repeat that. He’s a bleeding wound, and that’s not an invitation to be a leech… He’s just a person, so stop being so fucking creepy!”

Lawrence was searching for his glasses, patting the laminate flooring.

“Oh…” Geoff’s own vision was only now clearing. He handed those to Lawrence. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Lawrence put them on, sighing. “Blind as a bat.”

“Fuck…” Geoff was squatting next to him.

“I’m okay, by the way.”

Geoff nodded.

“So I’m out of here.”

***

Hours went by, endless hours of waiting. Sooner or later, Geoff was out, too.

***

“Get up.” Geoff slapped Jack’s face lightly, yet persistently, one side after another.

“Mmm… Mm… Geoff… what the fuck… Geoff?!”

“Hi, buddy.”

Jack abruptly awoke.

“So what’s going to happen now is – you’ll get up, wash your face, pee out of your tiny penis and meet me in the kitchen.”

“…Okay.”

***

Stepping inside, Jack looked like a dog that knew it did something wrong – with his head lowered, avoiding eye contact, ultimately submissive. He climbed into the chair sheepishly.

Geoff laughed. “What are you so afraid of? That I’d smash your laptop, too?”

Jack lowered his head more.

“That I’d fuck you up? Really, buddy?”

“...that you’d say things that would make me wish you did that instead… it’s like Ry said…”

“How about you call him Ryan from now on?”

“Okay.”

“…that was about his brother?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me how… everything happened.”

Jack hesitated.

“Oh, excuse me, is that private??”

“Ry…an came over looking for you…”

***

Over time, over wine, the nature of their conversation was changing. It grew mellow without the conflict being resolved, out of sheer fatigue, which was the overbearing shared sentiment.

Neither of them knew if they were still friends or if that place was still their home. They were just passengers on a train, tired of going through their troubles alone and stripped to the bone by that, connecting on a basic human level.

Side by side on the floor of the quiet, scarcely lit kitchen, they didn’t have much they couldn’t talk about.

“Did you really want me?”

“I used to.”

“Last Christmas?”

“Yeah. Gus showed up at a critical moment. I was about to give you my heart.”

“Boo…” Geoff smiled drowsily. “So it wasn’t just me?”

“No, it wasn’t. Would that’ve worked out?”

“I’m sure there’re tons of parallel universes where we’re together, you showing me the nicer, simpler side of things.”

“…But not in this one?”

“Not in this one.”

***

“Was it scary for you, seeing him?”

“…I dreaded the heaviness of it. But it’s Ryan, you know? I was scared of you, not him. I guess I hoped… that he would say these magical things he says and make everything alright.”

“Act like there’s nothing to forgive and apologize himself…”

“…Maybe.”

“Wouldn’t that be awful though? To get the final confirmation that this person you’ve hurt is absolutely incapable of fighting back? And if there’re no accusations, there’s no forgiveness either, ever… Only your fucking guilt… Don’t you blame yourself?”

“When Burnie told me… I never… I’ve never been so… I don’t know. It was something I couldn’t let myself fully think about, but it wasn’t going away and… everything was broken in here, your room was empty… red alert was flashing in my mind, so… I called my dad eventually.”

“It’s like he had a red alert of his own. He kept asking me questions and encouraging me until it all… came out.”

“Came out?”

“Yeah… I asked him to keep it between us for now.”

“Still. Good for you, buddy.”

“So… he said I needed to accept that there was nothing one could do to drive somebody so far so quickly. That there were a hundred reasons that had nothing to do with me. That blaming yourself wasn’t going to help anybody anyway… That I obviously should step down, but be there for him… and for you.”

“We talked for hours and then I went to bed. The next day, I walked the dogs, worked some and went to bed again. And the next. A little easier every time.”

“Do you think my dad was right?”

“I think you should listen to him.”

“I think you should listen to him, too.”

***

“How was… yesterday?”

“…I’ve never felt so small. I don’t know shit about him and I think… it was just a choice – him being so sweet.”

“What’s going to happen now, Geoffrey?”

“Something new, I guess.”

“I… it’s all in our power, isn’t it? If we put our minds to it, we could preserve what we had. Usually people fight over stuff like this, but we aren’t…”

“That doesn’t mean much, buddy.”

“Why not?”

“There are some things that just make you… disconnect. You can be evolved enough not to yell, to understand… That’s not what really matters. Every relationship boils down to the enjoyment you get from it. I don’t see how I could enjoy being around you again. Even this moment, right now… by the morning, it won’t exist.”

“Then… let’s stay here… until… one of us… passes out… I think it might… actually be you this time.”

***

The horrible days were over, gave way to apathetic ones, the new normal.

Geoff moved back to their apartment. He ordered Jack an Xbox and a monitor, had his wardrobe fixed. They didn’t mind running into each other; acted civil. Walking by Jack’s bedroom in the evenings, Geoff often overheard his emotional support sessions with Dad. ‘What did you have for dinner?’ ‘How is Tommy’s school?’ Such ridiculous stuff.

Ryan went AWOL for a little infinite while and then reappeared, inviting Geoff over – to work, as it turned out, which Geoff mostly expected. He was exchanging his company for Geoff’s sobriety, helping and expressing zero tolerance towards being helped. Tough as nails.

Gus and Ester returned from their trip, happy, bringing souvenirs and planning an engagement celebration. Geoff left it to Jack to break the news. They canceled the party; Ester sent Ryan a geode from her collection, one she considered to be an amulet; Gus kept asking Geoff to meet.

They really became a family then, their connections both dysfunctional and unshakable.

The horrible days were truly horrible, and simply because of that, had to be temporary. All options still open. That outcome, that balance the system was settling into, predictable, yet unforeseen, had no beauty to it.

Just the trivial flow of life sweeping everything under the carpet.

***

In the washed out cotton wool of Geoff’s mind, a needle. To poke at his brain when he put his head on a fluffed pillow. To short-circuit it if he happened to assume an awkward position.

Was Ryan ever going to let him touch him again? Should he? What would Gus say, if he knew what Geoff did? Would Jack be kissing his ass, if he knew how it all went down?

What he was expected to do was clear: be patient. Self-effacing. Subservient. Even more than he used to be. And a monk. Because getting aroused from being around Ryan was shameful now. He was supposed to just turn that on and off in accordance with the situation. The issue was not supposed to be an issue.

He couldn’t jerk off to his usual Ryan fantasies, those made him either sick or sad; he could watch Lord of the Rings’ worth of porn and not get past the hard-on.

God knows, nobody would sympathize if he tried to complain about that.

In one of the cuter moments of their relationship, he showed Ryan Rise of The Guardians, to introduce him to Sandman, Sandy, the protector of good dreams. So Ryan would fall asleep to the image of golden glistening dinosaurs strolling through the city, an embodiment of the magic of imagination.

Now that he had stuffed his subconscious full of Eros and Thanatos and the black slime those impulses smeared all over his memories, he needed Sandy too, because he found out for himself what it was like. To have the lurking shadows in the corners of the room grow and crawl closer as the sun is setting. To hear their steps and muffled voices.

He picked up on the quiet sound of a Skype call and reached to get his laptop from the floor.

“Hi, Ry?”

“Hello.”

“Um, video chat?”

“I thought… maybe we could do it like this?”

“I’m listening.”

“Maybe you should just be watching.”

The field of view widened as Ryan put his laptop on the bed. He was in a shirt and briefs. He unbuttoned and pulled off the shirt.

“You kind of look one-armed in this lighting.”

“That is very much intentional.”

“I can work with that.”

Geoff heard glass shattering and left to investigate.

Jack handed Benjamin and Oswald to him when he walked into his room.

“Hold the puppers!”

The wardrobe’s rail door frames were empty again.

“If you were going to cheap out on fixing it, you shouldn’t have bothered at all.”

The dogs squirmed, scratching him.

“Why are they here?”

“Ester and Gus decided to elope, dropped them off.”

Geoff went to lock the dogs in the kitchen and returned to his bedroom.

“Ry?”

“Mm?”

“Where were we?”

“Where I don’t feel like being again?”

“I’m going to change your mind.”

“Dude, a hundred bucks is in it for you,” he glanced at the cab driver, “sorry, I meant lady-dude. We need to get pancakes, bacon, OJ and booze in under an hour.”

They traversed the city, he tried to talk the staff into serving him the breakfast menu at several fast food restaurants.

They got just the booze.

“We’ll go eat on the roof, like that first time, it didn’t matter that it was late then, why should it matter now?” He pulled the blanket off Ryan.

“Eat what?”

“Each other.”

They climbed up.

“What now, Geoffrey?”

He planted a kiss to Ryan’s lips, pushed him to lie down, brought his arms up. His left snapped, a dry branch, bone sticking out.

He shrunk back in terror.

Ryan charged to the edge of the roof and jumped off lik _e_ _an_ Olym _pic_ d _iver_ …

He would realize he was in a dream and try to wake up, and he did, over and over again, except not really, that was just how the next story began. Those would get shorter, shallower towards the end of the night, but they started in his bed and seemed real.

He would actually wake up disgustingly sweaty and, fairly often, with his boxers creamed.

And he would think, _Ryan is the worst idea I ever had_.

***

There was a new family member who felt comfortable barging in – Burnie. He texted Geoff on a regular basis, asking how Ryan was doing, and he’d apparently been talking to Jack and even Gus as well. Once, when Geoff was at Ryan’s, he popped in without notice, bringing fruit. It didn’t seem like that was the first time.

While Gus and Ester were tactful enough not to bother Ryan with a dinner party, Burnie wasn’t. All of them were invited and so were Burnie and Ryan’s old friends – workers of the world, unite! Geoff thought Ryan would never approve of that intervention-sounding idea, but Burnie somehow got him to accept the invitation and the rest of them followed.

Friday evening after work, Geoff headed over to Ryan’s.

Why did Ryan even want them to appear together? To avoid questions?

Ryan opened the door, ready to go, looking dapper as always. There was a little stripe of sweat at the top of his forehead, some of his hair fluff sticking to it. He got fully dressed before Geoff showed up, hiding the gracelessness of his restricted movements when possible.

That was such a perfectly imperfect, Ryan thing to do. Geoff took his face in hands.

He meant the kiss to be grounding, but it came out as desperate. It wasn’t pleasure, it was torment. Tears started flowing down his face as soon as their lips connected.

Ryan brought him tissues.

***

A guy Geoff had never seen before met them by the elevator, flashing a carefree smile. He stretched his arms out to hug Ryan.

Ryan pointed at his right shoulder and left forearm, just as Geoff was about to intervene.

“Oh, of course! Pardon moi.” The guy easily adjusted and waved at him.

“Geoff, Miles, Miles, Geoff.”

Miles hugged Geoff instead and started shaking his hand, ridiculously enthusiastic. “Welcome!”

“Will you let us in?”

Miles laughed. “Yeah, yeah…”

***

The setup was fairly formal – the two hosts at the heads of the table, the two groups at the sides in between them. Going from Ashley to Burnie, it was Gray, Karen, his wife, Josh and Miles; Ryan, Geoff, Jack, Gus and Ester. Similar to a wedding, only the sides were past and present, not groom’s and bride’s.

Miles, who turned out to be an HR both by day and by night, had them go around the table, doing introductions.

Gray and Karen brought their baby with them, she was ‘supposed to be sleeping in the next room’, because ‘we couldn’t find a sitter, but according to Burnie, that’s not an excuse’. Karen was the girl that deeply regretted introducing Ryan to her employer. She didn’t regret Ryan introducing her to Gray. They both thanked him for that and that was kind of sweet.

Josh was tense and mentioned twice that he had to fly out to be there, ‘which hopefully speaks for itself’.

They’d all clearly been briefed on the situation and Ryan must’ve loved that.

Ester, Gus, acted more human, addressing Ryan directly first of all, Ester asking if he got the amulet and telling the story of its origin, Gus just sharing a look and a nod with him.

Jack, tripping all over himself, said that he ‘studied with Ryan’.

Geoff said, ‘I’m Geoff’.

***

The food was pretty great, the conversation rather subpar – remodeling and taxes and such. Geoff was rumpling the edge of the tablecloth in between his fingers.

Burnie intended to show Ryan that their friends were still there. And they wanted to be, no shortage of good intentions. They had a whole life together and Ryan had clearly been a big part of it, his influence almost tangible sometimes. But that life was over; they’d long since became estranged and Burnie couldn’t strong-arm them out of that awkwardness.

It was hard to imagine Ryan in that group – they all were surprisingly normal, well-adjusted people; Josh just a bit less so, focusing on his career rather than on starting a family of his own, a bit more shaken up by the situation; probably a closer friend. He was trying to be cool. Like an abandoned kid would, when meeting the abandoning parent, secretly starved for an interaction with the person he’d assigned a meaning to. Ryan had never mentioned him before and seemed oblivious to his predicament now.

History was apparently repeating itself. Geoff welcomed Ryan into his life with open arms, just like Burnie did ten years ago. The people in it, ones so carefully picked, started to revolve around Ryan, giving away to his gravitational pull, and were guaranteed to drift apart when he chose to leave.

Past and present? More like present and future.

***

After the meal was shared, they divided into smaller groups. Burnie and Jack were having a quiet discussion in the kitchen, Gray and Karen went to check on their daughter, Geoff and Josh seemed to have entered a low-key drinking contest and Gus and Ester were engaged in an animated conversation with Miles, which tended to turn into a monologue.

Ashley had been kind of quiet all night; she had a lot on her mind. Ryan went to hide in an armchair in the corner of the living room.

That was her cue.

“Thank you for a very nice evening, Ashley,” Ryan smiled at her slightly as she approached.

She put the vodka sodas she brought them on the coffee table and climbed into the other armchair, hugging her knees, with her head on them, looking at him. “Have you actually enjoyed a second of it, Ry?”

“Sure.”

His shielded demeanor didn’t exactly inspire protectiveness.

“I’m really asking.”

“Would it make a difference, if I did or not?”

“Some. Our fine china is for six, we should get a set for eight if you’re not saying no. For the holidays.”

“Do you find that perspective hateful?”

“Ryan, please… This already sucks... You’ve just met me and I’m asking you questions like these… I have to.”

“You’ve been an overwhelming presence in our life for the past month. All Burnie does is reading up on mental health, clinics, treatments… Our bedroom is riddled with brochures, we’ve seen several different doctors already… One reached out to me afterwards and said that we should come back, or just Burnie – for himself, not for you. Because he’s not processing the situation in a healthy way. He won’t admit that he’s scared or that it’s out of his control…”

“I tried to talk to him, though I’m in this weird position where everything I say on the subject has a hint of pettiness to it. And he said… that behind every tragedy there were friends who brushed off the signs, too used to them or too busy with their own stuff. That he got a second chance and he won’t deserve to consider himself a good person unless he takes it.”

“I couldn’t argue, but seeing you now… you seem to have more people who care than you know what to do with. Ry, please, honey, tell me if I’m wrong. Maybe I would love to have you here for the holidays, just let me see it… He’s set on fixing you and… you know how he gets. When he’s determined, even if everything is working against him, he goes on – fails, dusts himself off, and goes on. I love him for it. But with personal stuff he can be… such a boy and almost… tone-deaf. Doesn’t know when he should move on, not go on.”

“He calls every day. Would you like me not to pick up?”

“I would like you to stop evading every question I ask…”

“You’re not wrong. I’m doing this because I’ve failed to change my file in time and Burnie never fails to be a t-train with no breaks, shoving his idea of help down my throat.”

Ryan reached for the drink, picking it up with both hands, like a Japanese tea cup. Probably was unable to hold it in one, that little realization inviting Ashley on a guilt trip. But putting a face to the name had really changed her mind; the guy she met that night seemed to be an impersonator, couldn’t be the one Burnie cared so much for, the one Geoff cried for in the waiting room. She refused to feel bad.

“Tell him that. Make him hate you, that’s the best you can do. Choke him if you have to.”

***

“Are you smoking again?”

It took Burnie less than a minute to come check on Ryan after he went to the balcony.

“Of course you have no appetite. You barely ate. Come on, ditch that, I’ll heat something up.”

“No, thank you.”

Burnie went back into the apartment, returned and locked the door behind himself. He hunched and put a pair of slippers on the floor, patting the backsides of Ryan’s shins, encouraging him to step into those.

“It’s so cold. Are you cold?”

Ryan pulled in a drag, staring into the distance.

“Fine. Concentrate on stinking up our clothes.”

“So… Do you have plans for tomorrow? Maybe we could do something fun, while Josh is still here? Like, I dunno, lazertag?”

_Josh…_

The fact that his recent actions had harmed others, Ryan understood quite well. It was a little harsh, making him deal with the consequences so soon, via everyone’s left-handed support, but he accepted the responsibility.

Josh didn’t have to go through this and he wouldn’t have, if it wasn’t for Burnie. Burnie was starting fires quicker than Ryan could possibly put them out, and Burnie himself… Maybe Ashley was right- maybe he was a grease fire, to be extinguished with salt.

“You have a lovely girlfriend.”

Burnie hummed, “thank you.”

“It’s rather odd, seeing your former significant other with someone else.”

“Yeah. Can’t say I’m Geoff’s biggest fan.”

“It’s rather odd, being around you in general.”

“I know…”

“Brings back memories. I can almost see that runaway kid I used to be. I was really young.”

“You sure were.”

“Was that a turn-on for you? Then I guess I’ve lost my appeal.”

“What? No!”

“I haven’t?”

Burnie let out a puff of air, smiling uncertainly.

“I wonder if I would’ve survived out in the wild if I didn’t have you.”

“You’re underestimating yourself…”

“Possibly. I wasn’t thinking about that at first, I was just grateful to you for taking me under your wing, grateful to find a home in all of you.”

“After a certain point, I was thinking about that incessantly. The idea of uprooting myself again was dreadful, even if those roots were tiny white ones you would see at the bottom of a plant cutting floating in the water.”

“I forgot how confusing you are. I legitimately can’t tell what you’re trying to say, J. But I’m listening, I’m here…” Burnie kissed Ryan’s shoulder.

The corners of Ryan’s mouth raised up for a second, in a gloomy grin. “A response like that used to shut me right up.”

“All I said was that I was listening.”

“Okay. I depended on you. It was an unhealthy dynamic.”

“Okay. Why unhealthy?”

“You have a unique manner of defensively selective listening.”

Burnie was so headstrong, his forehead could be used as a nutcracker. Ryan, younger Ryan, was conveniently used to being bossed around.

Burnie was quick to label everything as good, bad or odd. When Ryan tried to speak up, his behavior fell into the last category, and Burnie didn’t hesitate to call him weird.

Burnie did a lot for him and Burnie always meant well. Ryan did as much and more, he meant well too; he felt guilty for being dissatisfied.

Burnie was a master of one art, – going through life feeling alright, – Ryan of most others.

Ryan let himself slip into a routine, a coma, avoiding emotional stimuli. His development seized for a couple years. Burnie’s good years.

Then his family was there to shake him awake.

Unexpessed issues had reached a critical mass by the time he could afford to live separately again, and he doubled down on old habits. It meant the world to play music, to be on stage, to be fucked. People weren’t particularly interested in just talking to him, but they admitted he was fucked up, which Burnie never did. What was wrong could be recognized as wrong, not embarrassingly dramatic.

He got it out of his system and by the weekend he was his normal, pliant self; Burnie’s boyfriend. A dynamic balance between feeling alive and staying alive.

“You know what? Wherever this is going, I don’t deserve it. Lash out if you need to, but I do not deserve it.”

“I take back the ‘defensive’ comment,” Ryan added sarcastically.

“Yeah… thank you…”

“Jesus, Burnie,” Ryan shook his head.

“Huh? Oh! …great.”

Ryan chuckled.

“Really? Is this funny to you?”

“A bit, yes.”

“Which fucking part of the unhealthy thing was coming from me? Tell me! ‘Cause I’m not seeing it?! You went and fucked yourself up… and then you had me to come back to, to tend to you… to love you… Don’t say that I didn’t, that’s the one thing you can’t know better than I do!..”

“All I’m saying is that you and I simply aren’t right for each other. As partners, as friends, as anything.”

“Oh, I’m not right, but Geoff is? At the very least, you never ended up… tied in the psych ward on my watch… What exactly did he do? Was it illegal? You’re still apparently dating a guy you should be getting a restraining order for… I don’t care that he’s sorry!”

_…”I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”…_

_…”I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”…_

_…”I don’t want to be with you.”…_

_…”I don’t want to be with you, please, leave me alone.”…_

Ryan had tried several times. Never one for open confrontation, scared of leaving his friends and his life behind, unable to distinguish his caring about Burnie from love, he got talked out of it fairly easily.

It was ironic, Burnie mentioning restraining orders, while Ryan was giving up on trying to reason with him. Burnie was terribly used to not letting anything hurtful enter his neat, flat world, and Ryan had to go above and beyond to come through.

“Say what you will about Geoff. He definitely has his demons, but he’s an actual person, as opposed to you, – a dismissive, stubborn, near-sighted imbecile.”

Burnie felt like he got punched in the stomach. He swallowed and turned to Ryan.

“J, stop… You’re confused, baby…” Burnie reached to cup his face.

“I strongly suggest that you don’t touch me.”

Burnie held his hand over Ryan’s cheek, close enough to make his fingers tingle. The cold wind that had been biting at his face was laced into Ryan’s voice, deep, chafed voice. Burnie put the hand behind his back, making a fist.

“Your girlfriend just poured her heart and soul out to me. I could see the little gears in her head turning, ones that connect so easily with yours, three teeth on each, – as she tried to avoid bursting into singing Jolene.”

“J,” Burnie warned.

“You are the only one who knows where I came from. It’s astonishing that you still can’t see what you are to me. My world begins where your aspirations end. The tragedy of you is that you aren’t stupid enough not to know I deserve to tell you that.”

“J…” Burnie closed his eyes.

“Burnie, look at me, baby,” Ryan poked Burnie’s nose. “After your knees stop shaking, after you’ve cried your cries and dusted the dust off. After you’ve had several hot meals and a couple cuddly nights. You’ll feel an inclination to dismiss my words, you’re prone to that. You’ll believe in all things good again. Don’t count on any good in me at that moment. You’ve annoyed me enough and I honestly don’t know what I would do if you bothered me one more time. I might want to crush you and your girlfriend beyond existence. Let’s not find out if I can.”

***

'Thank you's and 'see you soon's, too many to count. Burnie seemed out of it and so did Geoff.

In the cab headed to Ryan’s, since his place was closer, Geoff was mulling over the events of the evening.

_Was that a death threat?_

As soon as Burnie went to talk to Ryan, Geoff pretended he got a call and ran out to the building balcony right next, to listen in. He didn’t want to be that paranoid person, yet he was.

_Only one who knows where I came from…_

Geoff googled ‘Haywood’ right then. There were cities, there were companies, there were tons of sort of famous people with that name; nothing he could distinguish as relevant.

As the cab was coming close, Geoff turned to the man of the hour. Of the month. Of the year.

Ryan was looking out the window impassively, comprised of chiseled lines.

“Ry, can we take a walk?”

“…Sure. Please, stop right here,” Ryan told the driver.

***

They would’ve held hands normally, at that time of night, with no one to see.

Geoff’s fingers burned as he remembered cruelly squeezing bruises into slender wrists he used to caress.

Three weeks ago, he told Ryan he hated him and he did. Not just for cheating – for who he was, for how tiny he made him feel. There was jealousy and there was envy, and sometimes he couldn’t tell if he wanted to fuck him or be him, just like Lawrence and probably so many others. He deluded himself into thinking it was his friends who considered him unfit to tie Ryan’s shoelaces, but it was him and it was true.

Someday soon, Ryan was going to tell him that.

In the hospital waiting room, the idea of jumping off the roof alleviated his guilt. He couldn’t be that bad of a person if he cared that much. When the doctor was about to deliver the news and it all was becoming too real, he immediately chickened out.

But if he heard Ryan tell him what a piece of shit he was, he knew he might actually do it.

Ryan was brutal with Burnie and Geoff realized he was fucking terrified of him.

“Ry, I…”

It would’ve been nice to pretend that he was doing what he was doing out of love, to save Ryan from the pathetic, obsessive asshole he turned out to be. But the truth of it was – he was scared, it was too complicated and he wanted to be the first one to do it, before Ryan could tell him to keep his rapey affections to himself.

_Geoff, you idiot, just fucking say it!_

“I want to break up.”

“…Huh.”

Geoff slowly lifted his head, meeting steely blue eyes. Egotistically, he needed Ryan to be hurt, was prepared to measure his self-worth by the number of tears shed. It was a well-deserved zero.

“Sure.”

He met someone who had so much goodness in them. In that bright light, he looked fucking ugly. It was blinding and he put it out.

He never really apologized. He never really told Ryan he loved him either. He didn’t love the person he turned him into.

Nothing was fair about that.

And he just couldn’t stand this, so he turned around and headed away from there, rushing, running.

Sweet little Ryan and wise, fearless, unbreakable Geoff. What a fucking joke.

***

Ryan stood there for the longest time, watching Geoff’s silhouette fade into the scenery.

He was listening to one track on repeat the whole way home. When he got there, he streamed it to the speakers, took the violin and started tuning it, getting ready to join. He hoped the neighbors were still absent; it was quite late.

It hurt to play. Piano would’ve been immensely easier, but he needed a different pose and more movement than a keyboard could offer.

Someone deep inside must have given him a free pass, because he sounded good, at least to himself. He played for his torturous life, for the broken promises of it. Agony came in waves, unable to swallow him for as long as he concentrated on playing.

The transcendent excruciating beauty of that moment left an indelible imprint.

And after he was done, he placed the violin on the floor and stepped on it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Max Richter - On The Nature Of Daylight


End file.
